My Wife wants out..still!!

[cherrishher]

All,

This has become quite a charged discussion and it makes for great growth because we can all see different points of view. I would like to add a few comments of my own (to stir the pot) as follows;

First and foremost, I see that many are telling Mark to stop being angry...just as someone has so aptly stated, we do not know what is going on in the mind of the WAS, I will point out that none of us know exactly where Mark is coming from or what his motives are. We might be wise to read our own words and advice from time to time (myself included). Point is this, I see that Mark is reacting more to the various criticisms and voices of control (do this, don't do that) than he is to the actions of his wife. It seems that some of you are quick to jump on him for being angry and/or upset BUT I would like to remind each of you of a couple of key points (from my perspective)...

1) this board is a haven for us and, as I have stated before, this is our place to vent, cry, berrate, etc. If coming and venting here prevents us from lashing out at our spouse or children, then by all means come and be angry, chastise, berrate, yell, whatever
2) the five steps of grieving a trauma are as follows...shock, denial, ANGER, depression, acceptance
3) we have all gone through the stages and I know some of you have been angry and come here to vent so let's not be too quick to jump all over him

Maybe we should all be looking to encourage Mark and help him see the errors in his ways in a positive way, rather than telling him what to do in such a judgemental manner.

That said....

Mark, I realize that you may not have had intentions of placing your D in the middle but here is the way most will see it...by having your D ask your W, you put your W in a tough position because if she says no, she looks like a bad guy to your D. So in essence, you've indirectly blackmailed her into giving in to what you want. Next time, you might consider talking to W first before even mentioning it to D OR, you could tell D that you will talk to Mom about it...then if W says no, you can simply state that "Mommy and Daddy decided it wouldn't be best this time but maybe another time."

Point is, what makes divorce difficult for kids is the lack of security, safety, stability and boundaries...this is created by virtue of the fact that everything they've ever known and relied upon, has been ripped apart. Now, they don't know what they can rely on in life. They lose the feeling of safety and security. Show them that Mom and Dad are one and that they are both still bound together as parents, ragardless of where they live or who they are with - that way, your kids will be secure in knowing the one thing that is most important, will never change. Mom and Dad are there to provide for, love and care for them together; no matter what.

Always remember, decisions are made by both of you together, and that you present them as a unified front. That is the best thing you can do for your kids (IMHO).

As for the financial thing....I am sure your wife left because she felt she lost trust and could not count on you; not because she was looking for a meal ticket. That said, I'd like to point out that marriage vows traditionally state, "through thick and thin, for better or worse, for richer or poorer". While it may not be about being richer or poorer, she did agree to stay with you through it all and to be by your side no matter what. So, when things fell apart financially, what did SHE do to try and solve the problem, to lighten your load, to help you? It was the responsiblity of both of you, not just you. Things went bad...sometimes they do....sometimes it's outside of our control...hell, Donald Trump has been broke! Point is, try to stop beating yourself up and taking all the blame...it took both of you for this thing to fail. Just as you have supported her in the past, where was she when you needed her support?

Sorry for your pain Mark...I know it's hard but please don't make it worse by blaming yourself. Understand where you failed and find ways to improve yourself, but don't think you did this alone!

[dadtotwo]

After spending 2 weekends in a row w/o my kids, my W suddenly is having 2nd thoughts about 50/50 custody. She now says that she is not getting enough "quality time" with them. She has proposed the standard 1 night over the weekend and then 2 nights the following weekend which I will not accept.

So we are meeting tonight to work out a parenting plan but I am not sure how this will go since she is still so angry with me. Last night, I dropped off the kids 20 minutes later than expected and she was all over me for taking away "her time" with the kids.

She has acknowledged that she is very, very angry with me because of the situation. She also said that because this is D so she only focuses on the negatives that brought us here. Now it appears that she wants to have me accept minimal time with my kids and still get money to cover her expenses.

My W made it a point to be critical that I give her money(voluntarily) on Sundays on purpose so she has no money for gas and other expenses. Last time I checked, the money was for the support of my kids not her gas tank. I am hoping that this will not have to go to the L's but it may very well end up that way.

In her eyes, I do nothing right, I say nothing right, I am uncooperative, inconsiderate and less than a human being.

Her anger is so intense that it may not be possible to get an amicable agreement.

[christarn]

marky b...when I left, I was increibly angry, but I tried, oh did I try, we went to MC and scheduled another session;however, in the midst of all of our conversations and him begging and pleading for me to come home, and me questioning my decision as to what I should/shouldn't do, I received our (joint) cell phone bill...to which I saw he had been calling and texting an old girlfriend...from then on angry took on a whole new meaning, it was then I went into full D mode. Believe me, I was an angry bitter woman 3-4 months before I left, but this put the icing on my cake. I figured at that point all of his pleas were just words with no meaning, just words, he had already found somebody else...so me, just being a bullet out of a shot gun kind of person...didn't go to the 2nd counseling appt, instead went to attorney and set things in motion for our D. After my first few months alone, learning to live again, and some harsh realities, I realized what I had done, and what was about to happen. I hate what I have done, I just found out last night, that my H was in a wreck while riding his motorcycle...last week, he didn't even bother to call me. Not only am I a nurse...but a huge worrier...I have all sorts of images going thru my head now. Luckily he escaped with just a badly bruised shoulder...but it's just the fact that I should have ben there, and I wasn't.

Being in this place for all of us, is a hard place to be. No matter what our situation is. Hopefully we can all learn from eachother, and one of us will be the next success story holler at me anytime with questions!! take care, christa

[dadtotwo]

My W and I met for three hours last night to discuss a parenting schedule. It is quite a task to work out all the days, holidays, vacations etc. After finishing that , she brought up money and what I would agree to give her and what expenses I would cover. I was non-commital which got her upset. I stayed calm and said that I can't talk to her if she will not be civil.

Then she started talking about R/M and why she had to leave. She said because of the financial stress she did this to survive. It was such a stressful ordeal for those few years and finally had to make the decision to move on. She said that she has to be angry with me so she can stay strong to see this through.

I listened and validated all her points and acknowledged how she was feeling. She was very emotional because she sees how our kids cry when I drop them off. She says that she cries when I pick up the kids for a few days. To her, the holidays are going to s**k because of the sitch.

She went on to say that she sees that I think she has a great life now and everything is just ideal. She said that her life is far from ideal considering that she is 40 years old w/2 children living in her parents house. The tears just keep coming while she talked about how our kids will be bounced around and that this all could have been avoided. I had hurt her deeply by putting our family in such bad financial trouble.

I agreed with her feelings and told her that I am sorry that I forgot about her through all of this and she said that she felt my distance. I added that things can be different to which she replied that she wants to believe me and it s**cks that she can't. I put on my coat getting ready to leave while she continued to cry. I embraced her warmly and stroked her hair like I used to do. We stood there for about a minute and finally we parted. I kissed her on the forehead and politely said goodnight.

I made certain to not talk about me, our R/M or try to convince her to try again. I felt that this was an emotional time where the reality of our D and what life will be like is hitting home. This doesn't mean that she will change her mind tomorrow but there is a sense of confusion for her which I still think has something to do with deciding between us as a family or wanting to see where she and the OM may be heading. It is also going to be difficult because her pride may stand in the way since the whole family knows about us.

I also noticed that there was a picture of her and me when my D was born that was somewhat hidden but out nonetheless. I would not have expected that she would have a single picture of us around and would have buried them or burned them by now.

It is so sad to be discussing our parenting schedule like our kids are some type of livestock. I am so sad that this has happened and could have been avoided. I am also sad that she chose to look elsewhere in her emotional state and may not be giving our M/R/F the clearest thought possible.

Overall, it was somewhat positive. My W sees that I am not dragging my feet and avoiding the D. More importantly, the reality of our kid's future is starting to take shape and we are heading toward co-parenting. I will leave her alone and not push the issue for now.

I truly love her and I can only hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive me and see that our R/M/F are worth trying again.

[frank_D]

Well done. Keep working on getting yourself out of the financial mess, and the emotional mess will work itself out.

[Just_Me]

I had hurt her deeply by putting our family in such bad financial trouble.

That's b.s. and I'm sure you know it. You can indicate you are sorry she feels that way, but you don't have to feel bad if you tried to make ends meet and didn't. I guess you could work on being more fiscally responsible, if that was one of your problems. Personally, I'd be extremely leery of wanting a spouse whose primary concern is financial. How does divorce fix that? Makes it sound like she wants a sugar daddy.

You handled the talk well though. That was really good. Glad you could be there for her.

[dadtotwo]

JM,

Your point is well taken. I will politely disagree that my W wants a sugar daddy. She said last night that she dealt with not being able to answer her own phone, hiding the kids when the bell rang or worrying when she hears a truck if they were coming to repo her car. Plus, having the utility company knock on the door to shut off the power (this is what really happened).

I would not be true to her if I agreed with your assessment. I have an earlier post on this thread that details the financial mess I created. I made some poor choices that did put my family in financial distress but my intentions were in the right place.

There is no excuse for not earning for so long and getting to the point of feeling paralysed and not knowing what to do. My W lost respect for me as a man and she was waiting for me to "step up" which I tried to do but could not get out from under. She endured a long period of stress until she finally gave up.

[cire2]

Well done. Keep working on getting yourself out of the financial mess, and the emotional mess will work itself out.

Perfect!!

cire

[Just_Me]

Well, then I guess you need to fix the financial aspects. If that's her only concern, then you might have a reasonable chance of busting the D.

[dadtotwo]

Hello All...

Been quite a while for me so here is the latest:

Still not divorced. W has been pushing me for months to just "sign" since it is only a piece of paper. I refuse to voluntarily agree to a divorce that wil have long-lasting effects on our children.

W is still very angry, bitter and resentful about not having a third child and the financial hardship I caused.

Her EA ended(I believe) once her father became aware of her "talking" to OM. Her father told her that he does not condone that behavior and he doesn't blame me for reacting as I did about OM.

D&S will not give me permission to get a divorce so I won't agree.

Have done many loving things for my W the last few months despite her anger and verbal beatings.

Last week we talked on the phone for 4 hours about everything that included her crying about how she didn't want this but has no choice.

I am no longer allowed to enter her apartment because she she said she will not accommodate me since I refuse to sign papers.

Working a good job 60-70 hours a week to get back on my feet.

I am not dating or had any physical contact with any woman. I am still married and wear my ring all the time.

I could go on and on but I still love my W and will not agree to sign. I still stand for my M and wil continue to do so until I have to legally sign.

Markyb