Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

[bhopeful]

Okay. I just got this email from my W. I don't know how to respond. Any input would be greatly appreciated.


Good morning.

I keep thinking about when we met for dinner Saturday night and seeing you on Sunday.

I noticed that you have changed a lot in the past few months. I mean, I see a complete transformation in you. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. I feel like you are much happier right now... that you are busy, staying active, going to church (one that you seem to really like), and you have really become a different person.

I guess I don't know why I feel compelled to tell you this but I do. I'm happy for you bhopeful. You're making a better life.


I really don't know what to say. I want to tell her that I want her to be a part of my life still. But that's definitely pushy. I want to tell her that I hope that she can do the same for herself. I want to tell her that I love her and miss her and want her with me. SO confused as to what to do. Please help...

[bhopeful]

This is what I thought about writing in response:

I have really felt an awakening in my life. I have definitely used this time for some heavy soul searching. I came to realize that I had been living a very reactionary life and that if I was going to be happy that had to change. I have to be true to myself.

I love and care for you more than you could probably ever know. I don't say that to put any pressure on you to feel the same, but I want you to know that. I truely hope and pray that you can find the same happiness and peace that I have found.

Thank you for your kind words and for noticing my changes.


Is that ok? Am I pushing too much? So confused... Please help...

[JennyF]

B...I think it sounds great...but I'm the 'mushy, say I love you too much' type so I may not be the best judge!

It sounds from her note that she's testing the waters to see if you're happy w/out her...

I'm happy for you bhopeful. You're making a better life.

I think your note gently tells her that you want her in this better life with you. Maybe just add that you are there for her if/when she needs you.

That's my mushy girl opinion and someone jump in if I'm going against DB rules!
J~

[bhopeful]

Jenny, Thanks for your input. I have no idea if how I am responding follows the DB rules. I've taken your suggestion and changed my response to the following:

I have really felt an awakening in my life. I have definitely used this time for some heavy soul searching. I came to realize that I had been living a very reactionary life and that if I was going to be happy that had to change. I have to be true to myself.

I love and care for you more than you could probably ever know. I don't say that to put any pressure on you to feel the same, but I want you to know that. I truly hope and pray that you can find the same happiness and peace that I have found. Please know that I am here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.

Thank you for your kind words and for noticing my changes.


More input is appreciated. Thank you all.
Peace,
B

[bhopeful]

So it's been sent. I hope that I said the right things. They are the truth but I have no idea if I followed DB rules. Only time will tell. It's all in God's hands now...

[JennyF]

My personal motto is...

"When struggling between your head and your heart, go with your heart...you're head will deal with it."

Look forward to hearing her response.
J~

[bhopeful]

Her response isn't what I was looking for, but kind of what I expected:

I'm happy you have found peace and happiness. What a wonderful thing to finally reach. I am still searching and I am uncertain I will find it fully. I am trying to be true to myself as well. I suppose what scares me is that truth I will find within myself.

I also have to wonder if I will ever fit into your changes and your new lifestyle. I feel like I won't. If you are so happy and content and at peace with your new ways and I am, as I am... I feel like I will be a heavy load to bare and we are even more different than we were before.

I think you have to agree with me on that... because it's obvious.

-------------

My response is going to be:

I think you would be surprised by what love can overcome. I have definitely left room in my life and my heart for you. Don't ever feel like I am excluding you because of the changes that I am going through. We both have a long road to travel. I don't see our differences as an obstacle. I see them as a blessing.

Don't be scared of finding your true self. I have seen her and she is beautiful.


I haven't sent it yet. Again, I'm just going with my heart. I have no real idea what I'm doing. I just hope that I'm not hurting anything and I'm trying not to be pushy.

[JennyF]

OK....I think this is where you VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE. She is being open and honest with you and I think you need to make sure that you are focusing on validating what she is telling you. Let it be about her. Reread what she wrote and really try to understand it from HER perspective.
I like what you wrote...but maybe put something in there that validates what she is saying about herself and that you completely understand where she is coming from.
J~

[bhopeful]

Does this sound better?

I know that this journey that you are on can be very confusing and scary. I have faith that you will make it through though and you will be better for it. Don't be scared of finding your true self. I have seen her and she is beautiful.

I think you would be surprised by what love can overcome. I have definitely left room in my life and my heart for you. Don't ever feel like I am excluding you because of the changes that I am going through. I still have my bad days as I'm sure that you have your good days. We both have a long road to travel. I don't see our differences as an obstacle. I see them as a blessing.

[JennyF]

I think it sounds good.

Maybe add at the beginning that you hear what she is saying and that you are really trying to understand how she feels.

We both have a long road to travel.

Just a thought...but if you said, "We both have long roads to travel". It doesn't put the expectation of it being one journey...but that you each have your own.

Also...do you think that the comments about love might be scary for her? She is probably still contemplating that part and so perhaps to her she doesn't see it is there to help overcome things. (does that even make sense?!?)

I am no expert B, I hope I am offering sound advice...but I'm a little nervous about leading you down the wrong path. Please take what I say with a grain of salt.
J~