Okay, I'll get to responding to people later (including the whole "homeless" issue). But the first order of business is that I have to deal with the fact that my new method of breaking up with men when they behave badly is apparently ineffective. I should backtrack/review a bit here. I know this may seem odd but I am actually greatly relieved to be back in the world of men as I knew it before my marriage which is a world in which men want to have sex with me but behave badly. It is not an entirely happy world but it is one in which I at least understand my role and the rules by which it is governed. In the olden days of my youth before I understood the concepts of fusion etc. due to my personality type my usual reaction to "bad" male behavior was to cry and retreat (injured bunny in the hole). I would only become angry upon receipt of the pretty much inevitable "booty call". (I should perhaps note here that "bad" male behavior never makes me LD for sex before it makes me LD for the relationship. I'm always at least "willing" to have sex with "my man" until he turns into "the jerk who used to be my man") Anyway, for a while it seemed to me that some people on this BB were giving me the advice that I should try to turn myself into someone who naturally has an angry reaction rather than a crying reaction to bad behavior and I was resistant to that concept for good reasons. However, I am reacting differently these days and I don't know if that means that I am more differentiated or just having a different dysfunctionally fused reaction. Unfortunately, I am going to have to resort to use of my animal analogy to explain. Pretty much what is happening these days is that when men mishandle my bunny, my cow comes out dressed like a nice but rather strict librarian-type and signals kindly and very, very politely "I am so sorry that a nice boy like you apparently does not know how to handle the bunny or does not wish to make use of that knowledge. I am afraid that means that you will have to exit the zoo. Have a good day."
Okay, back to the matter at hand. I signaled this to GP and he responded by becoming super-apologetic but with a tinge of "I'm going to be p*ssed if you don't accept my apology." so I signaled it again and he went away and I decided that it was for the best. However, he showed up at the zoo gates again this morning acting like nothing happened so now I don't know what to do.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Rambling on....here is the big thing I don't think most people understand. It would be easy to think that my problem is that I am attracted to "bad boys". However, I am not an idiot and that thought occurred to me way back when I was a teenager so when I have that thought I do what most people would consider sensible which is I purposefully choose to date a "nice boy" but then something really terrible happens which is that I turn the "nice boy" into a "bad boy". So really I am better off just choosing to date "bad boys". For example, think about what would happen if I dated someone like Chrome, which is something that could happen in real life because we have compatible interests/values. I guarantee that by the second time we had sex I would "know" most of his "secret" sexual fantasies and by the third time we had sex he would be totally freaked out/delighted to find himself doing them with me. Then he would either go back to a "Madonna" or he would put on a psychological leather jacket and become a "bad boy". So, my point is that if I'm going to end up with a "bad boy" no matter what, I am better off with an experienced, perhaps even mellowed "bad boy" then a fresh, green one.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
OK, I'm probably the last person who should be giving you advice, but your use of the word "signaled" caught my eye. What do you mean when you say you "signaled" to GP?
If he showed up today like nothing happened then maybe he didn't get your signal? Or maybe he sort of got it but isn't taking it seriously? What if you just told him honestly that the R isn't working for you and you don't want to see him any more?
Yeah, when you're breaking up with someone, you can't be indirect and subtle. For instance, you can't use analogies. You don't have to be brutal, but you have to be clear.
When he showed up at the door, if you really want to be broken up with him, you should have told him, "we're over," and closed the door. If you give him an anbiguous response, he will interpret it the way he wants to-- in this case, that you're NOT really broken up.
Your description of you and Chrome reinforced something that I've wondered about you (hard as it may be to believe, I have some of this in me, too)... what you seem to want sexually is to be whatever HE wants. To do his fantasy, blow his mind, and as I used to say (and GEL reproached me for), be the best he has ever had.
But what do YOU want for YOU sexually, besides having a partner who will label you the best he's ever had? There's a lot of performer and a lot of needing validation in what you describe (not that there's anything wrong with that...), but what if you didn't need to perform, to prove anything about your attractiveness and sexual desirability, and didn't need validation... then what would you want in bed?
Rambling on....here is the big thing I don't think most people understand. It would be easy to think that my problem is that I am attracted to "bad boys". However, I am not an idiot and that thought occurred to me way back when I was a teenager so when I have that thought I do what most people would consider sensible which is I purposefully choose to date a "nice boy" but then something really terrible happens which is that I turn the "nice boy" into a "bad boy".
What's a "bad boy"? what's a "nice boy"?
"nice boys" can like sex.
But maybe it's not just about sex. You've made vague references that maybe you're into more than just "sex". ie; BDSM. That sort of thing shapes behaviour, and how you treat another person, and how they treat you.
Quote:
So really I am better off just choosing to date "bad boys".
i dont think this logically follows.
I'm going to go out on a limb here... sorry if I'm way off base... but if you get into B&D, and you keep pushing your man to "top" you... yeah, that will change your relationship out of the bedroom too.
So then you are faced with a choice: which do I want for me long term: That kind of thing in the bedroom regularly, or a "nice" relationship?
It's about choosing who you want to be. You're probably going to be happiest if you pick ONE style of relationship dynamic, both in and out of the bedroom.
IF you dont want to be dominated out of the bedroom... its probably not a good idea to play around regularly with being dominated IN the bedroom. Seems to be unhealthy and counterproductive to what you imply you want.
It sounds like you want to claim that it is out of your control, and you cant "stop" your behaviour in the bedroom. IF that's true... that would mean you have a type of sex addiction, wouldn't it?
I'm going to go out on a limb here... sorry if I'm way off base...
I believe you are.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
but if you get into B&D, and you keep pushing your man to "top" you... yeah, that will change your relationship out of the bedroom too.
Why would it? You don't seem to believe that adults can play. Do you think paintballers will eventually become mercenaries?
This is more like the football player who tells his interviewer, "I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet off the field but when it's game time, I'm ruthless."
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I was thinking that being the "Bad Boy" was what women tend to want. "Bad Boys" are NOT focused on the relationship, "Bad Boys" know their purpose (usually), They don't "Need" the woman. Is this not what Deida men are?
You're selling the hypothetical Chrome very short.
I don't mean to pick on Chrome. I love Chrome and I like him and I should have said "Someone like Chrome but who never joined this BB and gained insight.". Let's just consider any guy who generally manifests as "nice" and doesn't have a lot of sexual experience/knowledge. I'm not really saying that "nice guy" would reject me for being a "slut" because I did "kinky" stuff or even that he would be uncomfortable with the fact that he expressed his sexuality in new ways. What I am saying is that he would perceive that I was being turned on by his expression of the dark/dominant side of his sexuality and that might disturb him because he wouldn't have the experience to know that in terms of "just sex" that is what truly turns on the vast majority of women. I understand that men find it confusing that women want men to "protect" them and "throw them down" too. Women find some male stuff confusing for the opposite/same reason. I don't know if anyone is capable of fully integrating Madonna/Whore, Bad Boy/ Nice Boy, Sexuality/Pair-Bonding but some combination of experience/knowledge/empathy is helpful. It's funny to me that Dom thinks that people who are really into BDSM (not me so much except naughty schoolgirl stuff, of course) are like that in "real life". Most that I know are gentle nerds.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Man, this convo has taken an interesting turn, although we do seem to come back to the nice guy/bad boy topic often (related to the alpha male convo).
I agree Burgbud, I think I would probably do a bit better than Mojo thinks I would do, but then again, I have only been in one LTR (and only one sexual R) and that LTR has been sex starved from the beginning. I really have no idea how I would react to a woman who passionately wanted to see my fantasies realized (and probably at the same time wanted me to realize her fantasies). It could very well send me into some sort of a weird state that would cause me to become unattractive to her. One probability would be that I would go into ultimate nice guy mode (i.e. returning the favor one hundred fold), which would kill attraction very quickly. Another would be that the additional base of confidence would finally allow me to stretch out a bit, shed some of my FOO issues, and become the alpha male I was destined to be. The third possibility would be that because I think I am a very open communicator of GOOD things, that I could get into a positive spiral and develop a very strong R from that intimacy. My communication problems are really limited to not being able to express bad feelings well.
Of course, this is really a bit of a non sequitor because I am committed to my current R, even though I am doing a piss poor job fixing it.
Anyway, I need to run to a lunch meeting but as you can imagine this topic caught my eye. I have some thoughts for you Mojo that I feel may be helpful that I will share later. You are right that I think hypothetical single Chrome and hypothetical single Mojo would have a lot of compatibilities. I remember telling you a long time ago that your personality would be appealing to professor types. I'll try to probe a little deeper to see if there is anything useful that can be gleaned from that.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The third possibility would be that because I think I am a very open communicator of GOOD things, that I could get into a positive spiral and develop a very strong R from that intimacy. My communication problems are really limited to not being able to express bad feelings well.