Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

Having a better day. Actually emailed H and brought up some of this stuff. It is kind of a risk, but not as much of a risk as some may think. I'm confident in his commitment and I'm confident in mine so a little email shouldn't shatter everything and it didn't. It actually cleared the air in many ways.

He shared some really nice things with me, that at first freaked me out (his wording caught me off guard) but then I read on.

From email from H:
You know what I've been thinking lately?

I've been seeing someone new. Her name is [my name], and she reminds me a lot of
someone I love but could never feel safe with. But this someone new is
making me think that maybe I could. That's exciting, and positive, and worth
working for. Think of that.

It made me cry. It shouldn't, but it did.

I've come to terms with how hurt he was/is by this whole thing. Like all of us here, I was really angry at him at first for what he was "doing to me" when really he wasn't doing anything to me. He was doing what he had to to get out of a situation he found very hurtful. I've made a lot of changes in myself and am proud of those changes. They are new to me, so many days are a struggle. He has seen them and is proud of me and at first was taken aback by the fact that they were really happening. What I haven't internalized yet, but I'm working on it, is that he is still hurting (as am I). He still has his down days. He's still trying to figure things out. He wants to move forward. His going out is one of his ways of coping - it's not meant to hurt me. It's only an attempt to make himself feel better. I can say the words, but I haven't fully digested them yet. Once that happens I'll be in a better place.

I told him that limbo sucks. He agrees. I asked that maybe we can talk about that over Thanksgiving. We're spending it together, just the two of us. I don't want to set any concrete dates (because then all I'll do is count down), I just want to know what both of our goals are. When he says awhile, what does he mean? Another week, a month, several months? I just would like a better idea. How will he know when he is ready? How do we handle the ups and downs that we've both admitted to. We spend some really good time together and then we both go through this let down depression afterwards. It's probably good for us as it is working to strengthen the bond. But it is a rollercoaster. A significantly less scary rollercoaster than before when he wasn't committed to the R. Now we're on it together instead of alone, but it still is scary.

It's just so hard. I've been having a really rough time. Our situation, while on the mend and improving daily, still adds a lot of stress to my day. That on top of all the other stuff - work and school being the biggies. I have 2 papers and a presentation due in about 3 weeks!! I have a couple of major projects due at work within a few weeks too. So, now you take that and combine it with our M sitch and all the other day to day stuff, paying the bills, cleaning, taking care of the pets, getting groceries, etc. I just can't keep up. I told H last night that I just want the world to stop for a little bit so I can get off and figure things out and catch up. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. Life keeps coming. And now the holidays are upon us adding even more stress. Fortunately H isn't big on the holidays so I know there isn't any stress coming from him. It's self imposed really.

I just keep telling myself that life will be better in about 3 weeks - school will be done. Finals will be done. That will free me up. H and I talked and so that we can focus on us I will be taking next semester off. That is actually kind of a relief too. So I just need to hang on a little longer.

I know this is long. I'm not really looking for any advice, just a sympathetic ear and using this forum as a sounding board. Just need to get this stuff off my chest. Ugh.

But, believe it or not I am doing better today.