It won't allow the vulnerabilty that comes with releasing these emotion to come through. It's like I'm stuck in limbo between this struggle and I don't know what to do.
IC, even though you say you don't want to release the emotion, you are, in fact, doing it. I don't know if you imagine that "releasing the emotion" will be some dramatic event like the eruption of a volcano (or like an orgasm), but in the last few weeks, you've made huge strides.
You are "releasing" the emotions and the vulnerability "is coming through." "Releasing the emotions" doesn't mean you won't feel any pain any more. It just means that the things that have been eating away at you under the surface are now in your conscious mind and you have acknowledged them. And you are doing that.
There's nothing cheerful and upbeat about having cancer. The fact that you are so angry and scared is very appropriate-- and that's another point for your team [Lil works in a sports reference ] You are having appropriate emotions at the appropriate time about something of great magnitude. (I know I'm doing that judging thing that I told you not to do.)
Being terrified while you're having cancer is absolutely correct. If you were in here telling us you weren't scared or worried, that you were sure you were going to beat this thing, telling funny cancer stories, etc., I'd KNOW you were out of touch with what is really going on.
It's times like this that force people to look inside themselves and find out what they really know and what they really believe. I'm not talking specifically about religion, although religion can be part of it. I mean, what do you believe about how the universe works? Do you believe that bad things like cancer are totally random re whom they strike? or is a vengeful God punishing us? or is a demanding God purifying us in the fires of suffering? or is it karma-- payback for some past misdeed? is there no order or meaning at all and getting cancer or being in the Twin Towers on September 11 is just plain bad luck? is cancer strictly hereditary-- bad luck to be born with some messed up chromosomes? or a result of a myriad of physical causes too numerous ever to pin down and avoid?
What do YOU believe is happening to you?
And remember (this thought has gotten me through more hardships than ANYTHING): other people have gone through this and so can you.
Later, down the road, you may see an upside to all of this, but it's hard to see the positive WHILE the house is burning... when you're not sure if the firemen will have enough water to put it out before it burns to the ground.
] You are having appropriate emotions at the appropriate time about something of great magnitude. (I know I'm doing that judging thing that I told you not to do.)