W8ing, I am so sorry for the day you had today. It does seem that they tend to get nastier around holidays and important personal days.
Do not sign a single thing until you have an atty look at it. That is where I am too and it makes them mad as hell, but to freaking bad! You have to look out for your kids and yourself.
I agree with Upside Down, if your H doesn't know you want your M and family back what do you have to lose by telling him? Just make sure you don't expect telling him to change his mind. Do it for you. So you KNOW he understands you don't want any of this.
I'll have to think about talking to him since I seem to be programmed on the NO R TALKS mentality. I am afraid that I would have some expectation from him which would make the talk a disaster.
And since he is "banging his biscuit" as my friend likes to say, I'm not sure that it will do any good...especially since they are in that "butterflies in the stomach" phase that he wants so much now. I don't know that my talk can compete with that right now.....
And finally...I just don't know that I am that strong. I mean to put myself out there and say that I still love you and do not want a divorce from you, knowing that he is in a new relationship and loving it...and can't seem to get away from me fast enough.... Do I want to put myself through that?
If he is in a MLC, wouldn't it be like talking to a brick wall?
Maybe you should send RCR an email and ask her for suggestions. She may have some thoughts on the approach you should take...especially when there is an OW involved.
I know it is tough to put yourself out there. Something that I think really clicked with my H was after he told me he filed the D, I told him that I didn't want the D but if it was going to make him happy then I thought we should do it. It has been 3 months and he hasn't had me served...whatever that means!
Tht has been my experience, yes. However, I have told him that I do not want a D and would not ever let the kids think I agree with his decisions. I did so hoping that on a deeper level somewhere (if there is still one there) that he would here me and know. I had to do it for me, so that I knew I had laid myself out there and tried. Not that it's done any good in my sitch, but at least I tried.
Just wanted to add in my experience with letting my H know I didn't want the D after seeming calm about it. I did write him a letter so he was very clear it was not what I wanted, but also that I wouldn't stand in his way. Like UD says, you have nothing to lose at this point. Was it so it would just be "on record"? Maybe. But I felt better afterwards - like I could sit back and he would be responsible for doing all the work if it's what he wanted. I put it all out there, as if it were one last attempt on my part. And now, besides giving him more time, I am certain that I have done all that I can and am certain that he knows my position.
At the same time, I have often wondered since then if I've taken away that feeling of the MLC/WAS experiencing the loss of our M/family by telling him I'm still here for him and it isn't too late, despite all that he's done. But, as you said, does it really matter with MLCers? They are on their own timeline and feel a need to do things their own way anyways.
For me, I stopped thinking about it as a game and decided to go with my gut and deal with it in a way I could look back and be proud of myself. Whatever your decision about telling him or not, make this about yourself and doing the right thing and you won't go wrong.
I think a letter is a good way to do it for a couple of reasons.
Most communication (60-90% depending on what you read,) is non-verbal. This means that whatever your words are, they are "interpreted" by the other person. Your H doesn't sound like he's going to focus on the semantic meaning of your words. A letter leaves a lot less room for interpretation of your meaning.
Additionally, there is no room for the revisionist history that the MLCer likes to throw back at us later. It's in writing so to speak.
It's also non-confrontational, which in this case sounds like a good idea.
I'm stuck there with you on this point. I've been ultra accomodating, except for the bomb discussion, and the time I went off on her. The only thing I said then was that I thought she was being selfish by putting herself before the boys.
I suppose that counts, but I really didn't say "I disagree with this and don't want this. I am dying to say that, but I'm worried that it is pushing.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
w8ting - I am sorry that you are ging through this. It seems to me that your h is exhbiting typical MLC behaviour if not every single symptom - My h has missed a few too.
Whether to write or not - well it seems to me that he is still deep in the tunnel, but some things do make an impression [although it isn't clear what], and it certainly sets the record straight.
I would go along with it all, but you need someone to whom you can pour your heart out, and who can hug you. We cannot pretend we are alright all of the time. It is OK to rant and weep.
People get back together after divorce, there are also stopped proceedings - look at Holly's thread.
IMO your h is still deep in MLC, and this is going to take a while. Whether you want to go on waiting is up to you, but separation agreements, proceedings and even divorce itself, IN THE MLC context, are sadly not uncommon. But it isn't necessarily over.
W8ting, I struggled with exactly the same thing - 'how will he know what he actually broke, if we all pretend that everything is fine !??' Well to be honest I don't know the answer...
I told him once that I wanted to work on our marriage, but said it was too late, that he was now in a R with ow ! (As if he would have even considered it otherwise !) Anyway, it did ME good to tell him, although if you do, expect NOTHING, as that is most likely what will happen - NOTHING.
I'm sorry that you've had to bottle it all up, it's not healthy, find someone to be your friend and confidant through this, that like Angelica says, can give you a hug once in a while !
Also know that everyone here is wonderful and understanding !!! Take care ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I too often question if my STBXW is truly MLC. I'm glad Tamashii reprinted the stages, re-reading them reminded me that my STBXW is still deep in replay. Has been for over 2 years.
Anyway my point was, my STBXW doesn't exhibit all of the behaviors either. In fact, she didn't have any of the bad childhood type of stuff either.
For what it's worth, you H does sound like MLC to me.
Hang in there.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
Up - I did send RCR an email this morning - thanks for the suggestion. I was wondering the same thing...would something click? Or is that just hope on my part.
Shades - you know, you reminded me that I did tell my H that I didn't believe in D and he said he knew and that is why he wanted to separate now so we could get the clock ticking on the separation because he would have to wait 2 years because he knew I wouldn't sign.
Still Hoping - Boy, your one sentence really hit home (about not making it a game and do things for you). I think I am focusing so much on what I am supposed to be doing and not thinking about my situation specifically. Does that make sense?
Forlorn - you are right about a letter....would you give it and leave, or have him read it with me still there? I do know that I express myself better in writing than verbally. My H is much better verbally, than in writing.
Angelica and Cinders- I do have one friend, poor girl, that I have been confiding in. She has been a life saver for me. I am careful what I tell my parents, as my father is very angry at my H right now. And I have here....the boards. All of you have done so much for me...I don't know what I would have done these last five months...Cinders - what your H told you is exactly what I am afraid of - I don't know that I could be strong enough to weather that...
Communicating with him would be a 180 for me. We had (have?) problems with that. We both keep things bottled up. We don't fight, scream, yell, etc.
Thanks everyone. So far, I am better today and ready to tackle this proposal and determine my definition of fair.
