Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[Rob1231]

I think it might be time for a talk. Maybe a bit of a 'putting my foot down' talk? Saying that talking with OW is inappropriate, and he should know this since he hides it from you. One of the many books I read talked about 'family friends', someone who is friends with both spouses. The book said the friend is only a 'friend' if they are a 'friend of the marriage', meaning supportive of your marriage, friends to both of you. This woman isn't a friend of your marriage.

I just don't follow this. Obviously OW isn't a 'friend of the marriage' - why would you act based on the assumption that she was?

Sue, I know how bad it hurts, but you can't gear what you do around controlling H's actions. If he chooses to be in contact with OW - he will be. It's just that simple. Putting your foot down will not make him drop her if he's not ready to do that. Be careful about any ultimatums you make - unless you are really ready for a 'last resort' kind of scenario (which I wouldn't recommend for you right now.)

That doesn't mean that you are powerless, however! You have ownership of your own actions and emotions. Work on making yourself the happy, fun, energetic, desirable, interesting person that I know you can be. (Obviously, getting well is the first step!)

Emotionally, I think it would help you a lot to detach some more. So much of how YOU feel is still governed by what HE does. It seems counter-intuitive at first, but you can make your relationship better by being less dependent upon it. That's your goal.

Please note, I always emphasize that the goal here is loving detachment. Becoming less dependent does not mean caring less. It means caring in a different way. A good metaphor for this comes from the book Passionate Marriage (a really tough read, but I got a lot out of it.) Imagine that you and H are standing with your feet about 4 feet apart, and that you both lean in towards each other and hug, then put all your weight into it. This is a codependent relationship - you are holding each other up, but the pair of you together is still weak. If one of you starts to fall, the whole structure collapses. That's your old R (and mine too for that matter!)

Now imagine that you and H are each standing solidly on your own two feet, nose to nose. Each of you is strong and supporting your own weight. And now you hug. The hug doesn't take away from your own independent balance. Instead, you have the pleasure of choosing to hug, rather than being forced to hug by the position you have put yourself into. If one of you feels weak, the other is in a spot to offer support without compromising your own ability to stand.

Whew! I hope that makes some kind of sense - this is what happens when I have a touch of insomnia and post long rambles in the middle of the night...