I had another 2 hour session with the L today. Blowing through that retainer like water. But I think we finally got most of the figures that I needed, and ID'd the rest so I can hunt it down.
Part of the work I did after was to lay out all of the expenses vs the income. We are pretty much screwed. He thought we had almost $2000 to spare at the end of the month, but he didn't take into account:
Yard Maint > House Maint > Sewer (we have to hook up - about $10,000 - and pay new monthly fee) > contributions to my 403K > Medical CoPays, plus I will have to pay my own insurance > Sallie Mae grad school loan
Monthly expenses NOT COUNTED AT ALL only for Donna: > Food > Gas > Clothes > Entertainment > Work Related
CHILDREN'S MONTHLY EXPENSES NOT TAKEN INTO ACCT
> clothes food / lunch money Dr Copays Dental (more aft braces are started)> Cello rental Summer Camp> Field Trips Allowance Enter/Books/toysLessons / Classes
kids' stuff together = $840/month
So, we don't stand so great financially. I do get about a grand in rent from the in-laws, but it still doesn't meet the shortfall. Now its in the L's hands, with whatever she can do with it.
Blech. Glad to have waded through it all, at least. Looking forward to exploring the city tomorrow, and visiting a friend who had major spinal surgery there at Columbia, too.
It is horrible to see the final budget. I am also coming up short and my H only wants to decrease support and the painful truth is that he gives me way more than a judge would finalize because my H has made nothing in writing, he made money under the table or in tips, cash.
Re H's denial. Donna he is not going to stop being in denial even if he sees and hears the trurth every day for the rest of his life. It just makes them go deeper into denial and to make up more excuses and get more defensive. It just seems like you are trying to punish him and make him sound guilty. Which of course he deserves but he will stay in denial mode. My dad is still in denial after 30 years. It will never matter enough to my dad or any other dead beat who abandons their kids for a fling. They just do it so they can go on vacation and reminders of responsibilities and obligations just make them happier to be gone. Why would any one want to put up with all that heart ache when they can be on denial vacation. So I just do not know what the benefit of him being there really is. Sorry. It just seems like it is punitive. Like you want to punish him for being an ass. which he is.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Yes, he is an ass. But he so wants to be a part of the kids' lives...I didn't make him go; actually was surprised that he insisted on going. He is also their parent--I can't keep him from going (but the FC might ask him to stay home, I would think, if she saw it being better for S). S has next appt tomorrow. I haven't gotten any word from H if he plans on being there or not. I know that FC was going to call H re: being worried--I have no idea how that convo went. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Got the kids back today at 7; usual time. It felt good to have them home, come and cuddle with me, tell me about their weekend. They worked on H's sister's house (electrical), then stayed over at his brother's. Today, they went to his grandparents' house (where H has also been doing work on support beams in the crawl space). He had them back to his apt by 3:30. I know that he has been having a lot of trouble with his neck/arm/back, enough that he actually went to the doctor and is following up with a specialist--he stubbornly does not like doctors. I've had a proud moment in not trying to help or fix that problem for him (it was one of the ways I cared/showed love in the past, but was also co-dependent). A little bit hard to stand back, but I don't see it and he doesn't bring it up so I don't ask (I only know about the issue because the dr called here with test results last week).
I'm struck at how eager he has been to jump in and physically help everyone in the family-something that he complained to me about, that they only called him when they needed something from him (then said I was the worst offender!)-and here he is, traveling nearly 100 miles round trip a few times a week to work on their houses. Maybe he has found his way of restoring the "face" that he lost with them. I'm just happy to step back from it all.
I am so glad that he is working as hard as he can to try to keep up a relationship with the kids, even if his choices have limited how much time he is with them. But it is bittersweet...am I even a little jealous that his love for them has held true? There is a part of me that still remembers...remembers being a whole family.
but I know where he is now, and it is not the person who I want to be with. But I look at them, remember the happy times, and I miss it.......
All this back and forth emotion, but not devestation, not overwhelming, not driving me with little self-control to go to the phone.....the person I want is not there. He is there for everyone else, but not for me anymore.* ___________________
So, instead, I went out on two dates this weekend. I met up with a gentleman from Queens at the MET to see the Rembrandt show. He was an hour late (wrong train or something). I waited in the lobby for 1/2 hour, then called and left a message for him that I wasn't waiting anymore and he could find me in the galleries if he wanted. He eventually showed up and was very apologetic. We had some nice conversation and it was pleasant enough...dutch for dinner, then walked around a bit, stopped for some dessert in a diner. We had to take the same subway back downtown and he kissed me goodnight (a peck on the lips). He is way more into me than I am into him. Could be a friend, but I have to tell him that right away cause I don't want to hurt people. No spark.
I liked the guy today more--I was more attracted to him. Again, good conversation. He was on time meeting for breakfast. We were going to ride at the BMX track, but he couldn't get his bike out of his brother's garage (?)--I think he thought I wasn't going to bring my son's to try!! I showed him the local track, and he said he'd bring 2 bikes down next time, maybe next weekend. Then we walked around the local mall, looking for ideas for XMas. I'm reluctant to buy anything with the financials due to the Ls 12/5 (do I spend now or after? I'll have to email her and ask...). No kiss bye from him, which was too bad, but he said he'd call later in the week. It'd be nice, but I won't cry if he doesn't. Is that detachment ;0)
If nothing else, I had some fun, got out of the house, found I wasn't a troll who would die all alone...I didn't feel guilt about any of it, but there was no leap in happiness, either. Very much in my own head through it all, and that's ok, I think, because that is where I still need to spend my time.
IC told me this past week that she could understand me trying this out, but that it was developmentally important to be a "woman on her own" for a while. I think she was worried that I would latch onto the first available guy who even looked at me--so very far from the case. I wonder if anyone will ever be able to match up to what I had for so long....with him not talking to me about frustrations and resentments, I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. What human, in-touch man would ever be able to authentically match what I had in my head and heart? It was all a fairytale.
I know that we have to grow into being happy on our own. Every other part of my life is going so well, including the new self-discovery and growth. But I am lonely for a companion, someone to share it with. Even the physical things...I miss holding hands, I miss being physically intimate...
I seem to be rambling so I will stop. I recognize that my life is not anywhere near miserable or empty because I don't have a man...but I do miss it, and I can't pretend that I don't. Along with all this focus on me, I see where it really felt good to have that special someone to enjoy the ride with. I don't know anyone who wishes to be alone; but it is a preference, now, not a compulsion, to be in a relationship.
*ow. ouch. I went back to edit and added that last piece. I just had that flash of realization. Now, it may very well be just his play-acting and manipulation to get back in the family's (and society's) good graces, but he really is trying so hard to be the good man I always knew and loved--just not to me anymore. Because he doesn't love or want me anymore. And that still hurts. I feel like he will make amends to everyone else except me, and they will all forget what he did, and love him...and they'll all look at me and wonder why I can't be friends with such a good guy (sh!t, now I have more work to do. well, guess I will be forever saying that...) Would somebody help me find a pair of bolt-cutters, already?!
Whatever. I'm going to bed. Hope all of you, my friends, had a good weekend and were kind to yourselves. I'm certainly trying to be.
I'm at work and just cried again for the past 1/2 hour during a prep period with a friend who went through this herself (although with older kids) not too long ago. I put the kids to bed last night and started crying when I tried to go to sleep, and I think it was three hours before I finally fell asleep.
I miss being a family. I miss what I had so much. Why couldn't I have felt the misery, so I could feel some of the relief?
OK, so I am obviously not ready to date. I am still struggling with wanting to make him see, even as I know that it is a fruitless endeavor. I am still struggling with trying to control that which is beyond my control. I can recognzie all of this, and still be sad. This is not the life that I want, not for me or for the kids. I don't know how to make a happy life without the father of my children being my husband--I don't know how to even begin finding someone who would make me feel the way that I felt with him.
Damn, spiraling again, and I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and sad. I'm going to try to call the psych and see if there is a diff antidepressant; can I legally be on something that will make me high all the time ;0) ?
Really, I am happy a lot. I only get sad when I think about the sitch, that one part of my life that was the core of everything that I loved and valued. Urgh. I DO NOT want to start over! I want to be a little kid and hold my breath until I get my way.
OK, I am writing this in the middle of a bunch of 4th graders who are oblivious to my inner turmoil, happy with their friends and their work--how I'd love to be like that again.
having a really hard time. saw the pysch--she said she can't do anything more for me. Spoke with the the IC, she wants me to focus on me again. I'll probably see her today and tomrrow again. Rolled over at 2 and I'm up--right thru the lunesta and klondopin. Went to an AlAnon meeting last night--H took S to therapy. I finally rolled and told S he could go where he wanted to for Thanksgiving.
I hate this life. I don't want it. I don't want to start over. I don't want to hear that things happen for a reason, that I will find happiness on my own someday.
Its been a year. I am lonely. I miss the person who I pledged to love for all my days. I don't know where he went.
I don't know how I am going to survive this broken heart, let alone accept it.
having a really hard time. saw the pysch--she said she can't do anything more for me. Spoke with the the IC, she wants me to focus on me again. I'll probably see her today and tomrrow again. Rolled over at 2 and I'm up--right thru the lunesta and klondopin. Went to an AlAnon meeting last night--H took S to therapy. I finally rolled and told S he could go where he wanted to for Thanksgiving.
I hate this life. I don't want it. I don't want to start over. I don't want to hear that things happen for a reason, that I will find happiness on my own someday.
Its been a year. I am lonely. I miss the person who I pledged to love for all my days. I don't know where he went.
I don't know how I am going to survive this broken heart, let alone accept it.
Hi Donna
I feel your pain as I've also been separated for one year + just over a week!
I'm sorry I can't offer you "advice" as such, but I have found LOADS of solace through THIS GROUP and it run by two WONDERFUL ladies whom I admire & respect ----> Judy & Ruth!
My humble suggestion would be to get hold of them via the website link I posted above as they're VERY helpful in many, many ways - I can attest to this myself!
ot will be disappointed. I called H. I asked him for help, to stay home and help me. He agreed, but doesn't know how to help. We talked for a while. He is going to go with me to the IC.
I don't even want to talk. I just want him to hold me again for awhile. Its just been too hard. I want him to understand. He says that I didn't take care of him or the kids...I want him to see the changes, see that our family is worth it.... He told me to get together, get the kids off to school and call him when D is on the bus. Just his staying home is a huge thing.
I don't know what will happen. I know it is not DB. But my strength is just running out...
I am so, so sorry you are having such a tough time again... I just wish you could let yourself believe that you can do this...all of your friends here believe in you, you know. I wish we were there so we could offer more tangible, physical support to you than this.
That being said, Being with H is NOT going to help you get to a good place...deep down, you know that, too. This is your addiction; don't I remember you having a list of people to contact when you are about to fall off the wagon? Is it too late today to call one of them to go with you to IC instead?
I'll check in with you later... just wanted to send some hugs your way this morning...
