I think you're absolutely right. Writing some of this stuff down has been helpful in clarifying my situation. I need to remember that.

My H has said he's always been attracted to my strength and independence. I'm pretty low maintenance. But I'm not no-maintenance. When life started throwing us some curves, I guess he got surprised that I needed something from him and he just didn't know what to do. He made some pretty big mistakes and a wedge got driven betweeen us. I think one of the things I did wrong was to decide for him that he couldn't handle my needs...that he would aways find a way to avoid me if I needed him. I started protecting him from my emotional pain. I should have helped him learn the skills. I really thought at the time that I was doing the right thing.. In the long run though he didn't get a chance even to try. I started feeling deprived and unloved. I didn't want to always be the stong one. It's a compliment to be called strong and I wanted to live up to it. The result of trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be has had some long term detrimental effects. But what happens if I let him know that I can't be strong all the time? In fact I don't see myself as strong at all!. I actually do need some maintenance. Supposedly if he loves me he'll want to develop those skills. What if he doesn't? I know he needs me. I guess I'm unsure if he loves me enough to confront his fear of negative emotions. I'm not even talking about negative emotions about us--I'm talking about the negative emotions that come with some of the twists and turns of life.

Just some history: Since sometime last summer, I've actually been "just doing it." Often initiating it myself even when I haven't felt like it. He's much happier. It hasn't brought the closeness for me that I had hoped though. This all happened sometime last spring or summer when I read or saw something about just going ahead and doing it and it might increase the desire and since of closeness. For all I know it could have been something that Michelle had written or spoken about. I didn't pay attention to where I got it. So I decided to give it a shot. At the time and for several months later, I thought the sex alone was supposed to help the closeness for me. Then I saw something about Michelle's book before Christmas and checked out this site. Just a few weeks ago I was got a copy. (I had to skip one haircut to be able to afford it. How's that for making sacrifices for my marriage ) I think I misunderstood it the first time through because I once again thought that having sex was going to bring me the closeness. Then I re-read it and caught the fact that having sex was supposed to lead to my H wanting to do more for me as a result because of his increased sense of closeness. That's when it hit me that his behavior hadn't changed and maybe that was why it wasn't working for me. He was happier, but I was still in the same boat.

In re-reading this post, it occurs to me why I often feel more like his mother than his wife. I've been acting like his mother, protecting him. Maybe I need to kick some butt. I'm just not very good at that and not sure how to do it constructively.