You, too, value your life, just for itself. To say that without your wife and daughters you'd lay down and die is a defense mechanism, aka "if I pretend I don't want to win the battle I won't feel like a failure if I lose." But I'm quite aware that the pain you're talking about is very real. You lost your father too soon. It sounds like the rest of your family has been (and is) less than supportive. It must have been devastating. And you learned to hide all of that and laugh and pretend everything is peachy. That was bound to catch up with you at some point. And it did.
Southern Girl, I think anytime would have been too soon for me to lose my dad, but yea..it was way too soon. I think what hurts me most is the way it happened. My dad and I were very close up until the last few months of his life..and for whatever reason, he shut me out. My whole family pretty much shut me out. Why, I don't know. I mourned his sickness by myself, I mourned his passing by myself, so yes, you're right..I learned right then and there to hide all of that inside. I didn't have an outlet, and that has been my weakness ever since. There's a part of me that wants to release all the pent up emotions, the hurt, the pain of losing my dad, the pain of losing my ex-wife, the pain that I've caused Miss IC, and now the pain of cancer....but at the same time, there is a part of me that won't allow it. It won't allow the vulnerabilty that comes with releasing these emotion to come through. It's like I'm stuck in limbo between this struggle and I don't know what to do.
Getting something like cancer is tough for anyone, but I think, most especially men. They've got something 'attacking' them and they are at the mercy of others to 'fight.' It leaves one feeling helpless, scared, and completely out of control over their own destiny.
Well, IC, that just... sucks. I mean... don't you think? You'd like to get angry, smash somethng, someone... and there isn't anyone or anything to get angry AT.
You saying that your wife and kids are the only things keeping you fighting... that if it weren't for them, you'd just let things run their course?
Buddy, that is stinkin' thinkin and just stop it right now. Your attitude, your determination are the two things you need to self-comfort when you get scared, and they are the two things you need to 'fight back.' It's mental warfare.
Just like hockey. And YOU my friend, are a hockey player.
Corri, Ok, I can talk hockey...how's this? Let me paint a little picture here {lace 'em up..you're a hockey player now }...I'm coming down the ice with the puck, you stand between me and your goalie...Corri, God gave me a gift - sure I nurtured it with hard work and practice, but it was a gift that would allow me to make a move around you that would leave you looking for your jock strap....or...I also had the drive, grit, and determination to go THROUGH you. Either way, it didn't matter to me!...I was coming - my will vs. yours...and there was NOTHING you could do to stop me - Nothing! From studying the game, your eyes, your body language...I knew what you were going to do before you did...you were at MY mercy, the game was at my mercy...it was a gift, and while it lasted, it felt good...but that's all over now.
Fast forward to now...I'm in your skates now..and cancer is bearing down on ME...it's unpredictable. Where's it gonna go? What move is it going to make? Is it going to bowl me over? I'm at it's mercy..I'm at the doctor's mercy...I feel there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. I'm being attacked and I feel helpless, no control...I'm the one searching around the ice for my jock strap...I'm lost.
Corri, Next time you're watching a hockey game, watch what happens when a player get stuck down in his own end and loses or breaks his stick. He knows what he wants and needs to do {get the puck out of the zone and get to the bench to get another stick} but yet he can't leave the play...he's helpless, he's vulnerable...I'm that player...I've broken my stick..I've lost an edge on my skates..I'm slipping and sliding all over the ice...I hear all of you screaming from the bench, instructing me on what to do....but yet I can't seem to get there.
And once you get this cancer beat, we'll hire you a good shrink so you can talk to him/her about this 'avoidance behavior' problem you seem to think you have.
}...I'm coming down the ice with the puck, you stand between me and your goalie...Corri, God gave me a gift - sure I nurtured it with hard work and practice, but it was a gift that would allow me to make a move around you that would leave you looking for your jock strap....or...I also had the drive, grit, and determination to go THROUGH you. Either way, it didn't matter to me!...I was coming - my will vs. yours...and there was NOTHING you could do to stop me - Nothing! From studying the game, your eyes, your body language...I knew what you were going to do before you did...you were at MY mercy, the game was at my mercy...it was a gift, and while it lasted, it felt good...but that's all over now.