Dropping the line vs. differentiation

[Dom R]

people have remarkable flexibility to be who they want to be.

deciding "who you are" all by yourself, makes for an incredibly self-centered person. literally.

To overuse frost's poem one more time...
There are two paths in the wood. You are free to take either of them. You cannot take both. you have to choose ONE of them.
it isnt a choice between "you, or not you".
its a choice, between, "what kind of future you, makes you happy".

Except that there are a whole lot more choices to make, than just two.

Given that openness of choice, seems like a good idea to picture what you want for the future.
If that future is "I want to be with a man in a life-long relationship", then it makes sense to make that part of your planning for yourself.

if you first decide the general kind of man you would like to have a relationship with, that can then help you choose what kind of lifestyle(s) for yourself, would mesh with that kind of man.

or, contrariwise, it may at least help eliminate a few choices for you, even if it doesnt make a few directions seem like the best for you.


Also, if you realize that the type of person you would have to be, doesnt make you happy... then you may want to rethink the type of man you want to go after.

Extreme choice example:

"I want to be a pastor's wife".

"If I were to be a pastor's wife, I would have to behave [within these parameters] way, to mesh with a pastor's life".

"I dont want to behave that way...I think I need to reevaluate the whole 'pastor's wife' thing..."

Alternatively, in addition to how choice of a type of man, may influence the type of person you need to be.. there's the whole "where am I looking" issue.

To reuse the prior example:

"I still want to be a pastor's wife.
Am I going to have the most likely success in attracting one, by participating in the weekly wet t-shirt contest at my local bar? or by going to church functions and activities? Hmmm... methinks the bar is probably a bad idea.

I'm also probably going to have to KEEP GOING to church functions and activities, so I'd better be happy with that sort of thing if that's what I really want.
"


"pastor's wife" is an obviously extreme example, chosen for ease of contrast. But hopefully, you can abstract the point.
If you want a guy who "loves the great outdoors", you dont spend the next year of your life becoming proficient at video games in your local poolhall/bowling alley/whatever. It makes more sense to go join a rod & gun club or something.

If you are trying to attract a guy based primarily on your looks... you're going to get a guy... who is driven by looks.
This does not seem to be a good strategy to, for example, end up with a guy who is looking for a long term relationship with someone to grow old and wrinkly with. The kind of guy who will stay with you if you happen to have a disfiguring accident. Or just happen to look less than your current self in 10 years.

if you are actively "wanting a relationship", then I think that this is the kind of thinking that makes sense.

If you are NOT "looking for a long term relationship" like that... then it makes sense to just focus on you and what you enjoy... and see if what you enjoy at the moment, just happens to draw in a guy that you are interested in.

the only trouble with that approach is.. there are a whole lot of activities that explicitly draw in bad choices. So even if you "enjoy" them... it doesnt make sense to continue those kinds of activities.

So... there's the more detailed explaination of what I said, and why.