When you see him you just tell him you are not ready to discuss it yet (if he brings it up). Shouldn't be hard, since you are not! Wish I could say something helpful. Hang in there!
Practice saying "I am still reading it and sorting it all out. I am slow. Sorry."
Or you could allow yourself to express the most kindest form of "Go F*** yourself, I don't want to talk to you about this right now, and I don't have to".
Lawyer up to the max!
If his math or his thinking has changed, it is no longer amiable. If he is having to explain to you that he is being generous, then he knows he is doing you over big time. You would know generous if you read it.
No one cares what his L thinks. He's not on your Christmas card list!!! You don't agree to anything or argue anything. Hold off telling him you are "racing" to L-ville until it is done, and then listen to advice of L on how to proceed.
Telling him you are going to L is information he does not need or deserve to know. It is sure to set him off, which you don't need. He probably thinks he is being fair and controlling his exit strategy. Sounds like he may need a lesson in speeeelling "fair".
Take care and breath deep. Do whatever helps you relax. Soak in a tub. Watch a funny movie. Make a VooDoo doll. Maybe one glass of wine ... not too much self medicating now. You need composure and a show strength in the home if possible. But not for the benefit of others. For your own benefit. Don't show your cards. Protect your backside. Look no further than your own heart for strength and inner peace. It is there.
Making a stand now is the first step toward living the better life. Doing that should be at the top of your ToDo list. Take care.
You can do this. I've been following your threads, and I know you can. You can keep it together. Tonight's gonna be rough, and the rest of this week is too, but it's NOT too big for you.
I know it hurts, it more than hurts, this plain kills. I swear the feeling of betrayal is worse than anything. I just went through this part about 3 weeks ago so I know.
You're strong enough, able enough, and smart enough to drive on. You're based exactly where you need to be, on your daughters.
It hurts because you care. That's because you are a warm caring person. That is why you will make it through this. Love and care take real strength. You have it. You will make it.
Big brotherly hugs. Lots and lots.
I'm sending you an email too.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
(((w8ing)))- I don't know what to say other than your H is proving himself a bigger jerk than previously thought. He really seems to like twisting the knife around special occasions and holidays. I am so sorry...this is all so unfair but I hope you know that no matter what happens you will be okay.
I have to run but I will check in on you later. If you ever feel like talking, you can email at UpsideDownNoMore@aol.com and I can send you my #'s.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
I feel like I have been hit by a truck tonight.
I don't want to do this....I don't want to fight over what we have built for the last 15 years. It is all so senseless.
I don't want to start over at my age. I made a decision to leave a well paying (very well paying job) six years ago. It was a decision we made together.
It was a stupid decision. I can never get that back. I can't duplicate that job in this town. H put my projected earnings at half of what I was making six years ago. He knows that I will not be able to duplicate what I had.
Upside - thanks for checking on me....your kind offer to talk set off a fresh batch of tears. Everyone here is always so nice....
I am really a mess tonight.
I hadn't gotten to the point yet of thinking that my H has been having a way with really "celebrating" holidays and special occassions. Let's see, an OW confession on our anniversary and settlement papers at Thanksgiving. Can't wait to see what Christmas will bring.
I think, in addition to it being a insulting settlement offer, it really drove home that I am getting a divorce.
I don't know what state you live in, and can't speak to the divorce laws, but my guess is that this is a letter from an attorney with settlement demands. It isn't a legal proceeding. A settlement offer is just that: an offer. Your H can ask for whatever and probably will. Attorneys turn this in to an adversarial affair and get the parties angry with each other. They will use intimidating language and say hurtful things. This is where the 24/48 hour rule comes in handy. I use 48. It means that, upon receiving upsetting news, do NOT react for 48 hours. Then use a little CBT therapy on yourself. It's a piece of paper with 'I want' written on it. Nothing more. The court decides who gets what, not your blustery H.
You have to decide if you think your H is in MLC. You're on the board so I assume so. Please read ALL the resources and advice from successful DBers. MLCers do NOT respond the way 'normies' do. You need to be deliberate in your actions and very rational. Our minds do not want to be rational at times like this, so it'll take work. And practice. I do not talk divorce with my wife. When I contact her, it's about anything BUT divorce. I've gotten two settlement offers in almost two years. But nothing legal but filing has happened. No disclosures or anything. Financial disclosures are required before anything else can happen. In the meantime, this won't be settled today, tomorrow or next week. Don't panic. Courts and lawyers like the holidays off too, so chances are nothing is going to happen until after the first of the year. My attorney says lawyers are master procrastinators. My advice would be to seek legal counsel (try a Christian lawyer who cares about YOU and your marriage) and see what your options are and protect yourself. The opposition will do what's best for THEM and not you. And yes, MLCers do ugly things because the real person has been abducted by aliens and this 'thing' has been left in his place. Believe NONE of what they say and half of what they do. They are deceitful liars. They eventually come out of this, but it'll be a while, and it depends a lot on what YOU do. But you can't let your emotions get in the way.
Blessings,
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I am so sorry for this pain. I can't imagine it, although I have tried.
Quote:
Ummm - I am your wife, not your business partner.
My C has said that for women, divorce is an untying of knots, for men, it is a business deal. ...
I feel like I have nothing to pass along except thoughts and prayers. Know you are strong even as you feel weak - and that whatever your response might be, it is valid and should be allowed to be shown. There is a time and place to act "as if" if you ask me. I would listen, though, to those on this forum who have journeyed the route you are taking - like Forlorn; they are wise and insightful.
As for dbing - I have come to think that it is the support of people on this forum that is its greatest strength.
