an xh, his FF, Thanksgiving, MIL, and one psuedo-R

[Dom R]

Yes and no. You're right, I'm not really afraid of completely losing him. I know that played a big part early in the R...I felt completely secure. In fact, I thought women hitting on him was funny at the time. (Not so much, now.)

I do know that, the times I have truly believed he was gone, the pain was almost physical.

Hmm.

then maybe, you have similar feelings than before, but for different reasons.
In your current situation, you are "divorced"... yet still somehow "together". So perhaps you feel that, if even divorce doesnt completely separate you... then nothing ever will.

I think that is major .... erm.. denial/blinders on yourself....
Maybe a bit of "self-protection" to help you detach.

'cause as you said.. the times that you REALLy thought you'd lost him... it hurt you very badly.

I hope that your lucky streak with him, continues, so to speak.