an xh, his FF, Thanksgiving, MIL, and one psuedo-R

[azhira]

SO.. you KNOW, mentally, that this is detrimental to your relationship. Yet it still "doesnt bother you"....
odd...

I know! Yes, I was obsessed with reading about affairs after xow. It's how I cope...by understanding the how and why of stuff...

Don't get me wrong. It hurt. I felt like I'd been run over by a train. And I don't ever want to feel that way again...but, it's like, I don't even realize I'm agreeing to/okay with some things until later. It just seems "natural" to react that way at the time. I'm thinking this is part of my problem. I didn't agree to it because of some DB idea, or to get a certain response...just seemed like the thing to say. I'm thinking that, maybe, picking apart why I feel this way will help me change the behavior. (It works in other aspects of my life.)

There are a lot of things that do bother me now that didn't used to. I often cringe where I initially her him say a new female name I don't know. Any female name. I just don't get why I get over it so quickly. I don't want to change my easygoing nature...I like that...just want to see where it's setting me up for problems R-wise.

If it "bothered you, but you could be happy", i might have guessed that you just set low standards.

Yeah, I don't think that's it.

Maybe you got imprinted this way, from early childhood, by some of your most influential relationships around you. parents? aunt/uncle?

This makes more sense. I'd guess my mom...? Will have to think on this, and write more tomorrow...

Or... you're detached, and you dont actually care to be fully committed both ways... you just want what you want, but you dont care if he wanders off with someone else eventually, 'cause you'll find someone else?

Detached is part of it. I'd be more jealous about JD if we weren't D, I know that. I was all kinds of crazy jealous about TJ while we were married.

Nope, it's not that I see myself 'finding someone new'. Just not my personality.

you're not really "afraid of losing him". if you lose him, oh well.

Yes and no. You're right, I'm not really afraid of completely losing him. I know that played a big part early in the R...I felt completely secure. In fact, I thought women hitting on him was funny at the time. (Not so much, now.)

I do know that, the times I have truly believed he was gone, the pain was almost physical.

you want to do some of that stuff yourself now, so dont want to hold him to a higher standard than you want to be held to...

Nah, not really. I have no real desire to date/hook up/whatever. Other than times when I get really PO'd...some 'revenge dating' comes into my mind...but I really don't want to. Sounds...tiring.

PS: I think there's different types of jealousy.
There's, "He's MINE MINE MINE hands off!"
and there's more of a "worried" jealousy, of "i know where this kind of stuff leads, and I want to protect our relationship."

Agreed. Part of how I explained to xh, was I used to feel like, with certain people (say, TJ), it was more that they were in my territory. Not about them being interested in him, per se, but that they had interjected themselves into our M. (Yes, I know, he allowed it, different discussion...) With the D, that aspect of my jealousy basically wore off. It's not 'my territory' anymore.

I do know that part of this, right now, is that I'm fairly heavily detached. I know another part of this is that, right now, is the whole self-defense thing at work...keeps me from feeling too hurt. (When I intentionally break down these two barriers, I do start feeling jealous of JD.)

I'm really more interested in exploring why, in general, these other things, over the history of our R, don't seem to have been a big issue with me.