Pieces are Coming Together

[Torchbearer]

I'm new to this section of the DB forums. I have been over in Newcomers. H and I are now working on piecing our M together. The "breakthrough" was last Friday, so just over a week ago. I have one of the rare types of S that after DBing my butt off and working hard on the LRT my H out of the blue told me he wants to come back.

Okay, it wasn't quite as out of the blue as it sounds. We had been making some progress after a couple of really rough months. I came to terms with my issues and extended him a symbol of trust. With that he suggested we meet to talk. It was the first time we talked since he had moved out 2 months prior. We had some email arguments in between, but nothing good. I backed way off and this is when he suggested we talk. I coached myself and kept it upbeat. It went so well I invited him to a movie the following week. He agreed and we went. It was after the movie that he told me he wasn't doing very well and he could see that I was working really hard to make some genuine changes and he wanted to work on the R/M again.

He is still living with a friend of his and I soooooo want him to come home, but I am playing it really cool. We've been on a number of dates and spent this weekend together. It was so fun. The "dating" has been great. We are like we were 8 years ago. Both trying to impress and putting on our best behavior, trying so hard to please the other. Only downfall, is just like when we first started dating we are so enamoured with each other that we don't have time to do our normal stuff. Which in its own way is okay I guess. It means that our R is more important than say, doing the laundry, and it is.

Thing is, after a blissful weekend together, he's now back at his friends house and I miss him already. I emailed him and he misses me too. I was so close to asking him today if he'd given any thought to when he'd like to move back. We both know he is, it's just a matter of when. I kind of feel like he's waiting for me to invite him and I'm waiting for him to say he's ready. So I guess what this tells me is that we need to talk about it - even if he doesn't move tomorrow or next week, but another month or more, we still need to talk about it.

I'm glad to be here, but I'm having a down moment. A let down really, just because he isn't around. Sad, I know, but it is kind of compared to young love. I've worked so hard at GAL and actually have plenty to do today (besides being here ) but I'm just down. It doesn't help that it's snowing and dreary outside.

[RedHeadWife]

I think I actually read your thread awhile back about meeting him at the coffee shop, etc. I'm glad that he's now wanting to work things out.

PLEASE READ THIS AND TAKE IT TO HEART: As great & wonderful as things seem right now w/ you two PLEASE, PLEASE keep reminding yourself to take it slow and put absolutely no pressure on him or it could end up backfiring and I would hate to see that.

I understand that you may feel down b/c he's not at home w/ you, but you need to turn it around and feel wonderful b/c at least you two are working on things, going on dates and seemingly in love again.

I would wait at least a few weeks and see how things are going before you ask if/when he's going to move home. I would go as far as to wait until he brings it up. You need to remind yourself that even though everything is going well, it's only been a week. PATIENCE, my friend, has ALWAYS been the name of the DB'ing game.

[cat03]

i agree, give it some more time. I used to be hurt when my H used to say "im afraid to give you xyz becuase you'll just want more and more". In a way, he's giving you what he has to offer for now, we all heal and think and walk at a different pace, so he might not b as ready as you are or as you think he is.

Good luck! you've come a long way)))

[Torchbearer]

It's not a matter of who's ready or not or even that things are going at a pace I don't like. It's just the let down after seeing him. He admitted to that yesterday too. After I dropped him off at the place he's staying he told me that he'd been in a really good all morning until I dropped him off. Then he said he felt listless and didn't really feel like doing anything. So, we're both in the same boat. I know he's giving me all he can and so am I. We really are doing fine. It's just an emotional thing for me, not really caused by him.

[Concerned_Listener]

TB,
You two sound like you have a "chemistry" when you're together. I think missing each other is a good sign. Enjoy your time together.

CL

[RedHeadWife]

Well, let him feel listless for a bit longer. He needs to truly realize what he almost lost/threw away and how much he still wants it. The faster/easier you go back to him and let him immediately move back in, he could end up wondering if he made a mistake. I know it sounds like a game, but he needs to really, really "GET IT" that he made a big mistake and you are allowing him to come back into your life and he needs to be so very appreciative of that!

That's just my opinion though. Talk on the phone like you are dating again -- enjoy the "honeymoon" stage as much as you can b/c it won't last forever! I can remember kissing my H on the curb for what seemed like hours or making out in the car and, once you're married, that doesn't happen much anymore. Just pretend like you're dating again and ENJOY IT!!

[Torchbearer]

H just called. I hate the fact that he sounds like he's doing so much better than me. It's been that way since he left. He says that it hasn't been all fun and games, but to a degree I think that's BS. He has gone out SOOOO often in the time we've been apart. He claims that it's his friends and people concerned for him trying to get him to go out so he doesn't go insane. I personally think some time at home with just his thoughts would do him good. I've spent LOTS of time home with my thoughts.

He moved out and is living with a friend. He spends all his time with this guy (and his girlfriend) which I think would be really annoying if I were his friend. They go out. He's gone here and there and everywhere. There's a newly remodeled restaurant in town and he's like "yea, I've been there. Same food, but nice surroundings. . . ." Whatever. It annoys me to no end. It really gets me because his expenses have been cut virtually in half and he's been getting some extra bonuses while we've been S and in the meanwhile my expenses have more than doubled to the point that I can barely afford ramen noodles, much less go out. That has made the GAL part of DBing really hard. He never offered to help with expenses he just left me in the lurch. He did just give me some money this week that I told him was appreciated, not necessary, but appreciated. Yes, I'm strapped, but I don't need his charity. I didn't ask for it and I know he's doing it because he cares and is trying to make amends.

He tells me that last night he goes out to dinner to a nice restauarant, with his roommate and roommate's girlfriend. He has the best steak he thinks he's ever had, yada, yada, yada . . . Meanwhile where am I, home doing laundry and homework. I just feel it is so unfair. Not that life is fair, but why should he get the gravy and all I get is sludge???? I work my a$$ off and what do I have to show for it?

He talks all the time about what a great cook his roommate is and how awesome his girlfriend's cooking is. He says that he loves "good Indian food." I don't know that he ever really had Indian food until his friend's girlfriend started cooking for the guys. And apparently she cooks for them often. All I hear is "she does this, friend does this, she cooks this and it is so good, man I love good Indian food, the other night she made us this . . . ." and so on and so on. Know what? That isn't one of my abilities. If you love her cooking so much and what she does for you, marry her. I don't think his roommate would appreciate it much and it'll be a he11 of a surprise to her too. It just gets so annoying.

Arg, just having a really bad night.

[thba]

Wow does your last post sound familiar. My situation was a bit different in that I had 2 kids to raise while she was out having her fun.

Now that we are back together 100% and hitting on all 8 cylinders, that "stuff" doesn't affect me as much. Sometimes, it was difficult to hear of the things that she had done during our time apart. But, recently after telling about something she did while we apart, she finished by saying that it would have been better if I was there and that just changed it all.

[Torchbearer]

Having a better day. Actually emailed H and brought up some of this stuff. It is kind of a risk, but not as much of a risk as some may think. I'm confident in his commitment and I'm confident in mine so a little email shouldn't shatter everything and it didn't. It actually cleared the air in many ways.

He shared some really nice things with me, that at first freaked me out (his wording caught me off guard) but then I read on.

From email from H:
You know what I've been thinking lately?

I've been seeing someone new. Her name is [my name], and she reminds me a lot of
someone I love but could never feel safe with. But this someone new is
making me think that maybe I could. That's exciting, and positive, and worth
working for. Think of that.

It made me cry. It shouldn't, but it did.

I've come to terms with how hurt he was/is by this whole thing. Like all of us here, I was really angry at him at first for what he was "doing to me" when really he wasn't doing anything to me. He was doing what he had to to get out of a situation he found very hurtful. I've made a lot of changes in myself and am proud of those changes. They are new to me, so many days are a struggle. He has seen them and is proud of me and at first was taken aback by the fact that they were really happening. What I haven't internalized yet, but I'm working on it, is that he is still hurting (as am I). He still has his down days. He's still trying to figure things out. He wants to move forward. His going out is one of his ways of coping - it's not meant to hurt me. It's only an attempt to make himself feel better. I can say the words, but I haven't fully digested them yet. Once that happens I'll be in a better place.

I told him that limbo sucks. He agrees. I asked that maybe we can talk about that over Thanksgiving. We're spending it together, just the two of us. I don't want to set any concrete dates (because then all I'll do is count down), I just want to know what both of our goals are. When he says awhile, what does he mean? Another week, a month, several months? I just would like a better idea. How will he know when he is ready? How do we handle the ups and downs that we've both admitted to. We spend some really good time together and then we both go through this let down depression afterwards. It's probably good for us as it is working to strengthen the bond. But it is a rollercoaster. A significantly less scary rollercoaster than before when he wasn't committed to the R. Now we're on it together instead of alone, but it still is scary.

It's just so hard. I've been having a really rough time. Our situation, while on the mend and improving daily, still adds a lot of stress to my day. That on top of all the other stuff - work and school being the biggies. I have 2 papers and a presentation due in about 3 weeks!! I have a couple of major projects due at work within a few weeks too. So, now you take that and combine it with our M sitch and all the other day to day stuff, paying the bills, cleaning, taking care of the pets, getting groceries, etc. I just can't keep up. I told H last night that I just want the world to stop for a little bit so I can get off and figure things out and catch up. Unfortunately that isn't going to happen. Life keeps coming. And now the holidays are upon us adding even more stress. Fortunately H isn't big on the holidays so I know there isn't any stress coming from him. It's self imposed really.

I just keep telling myself that life will be better in about 3 weeks - school will be done. Finals will be done. That will free me up. H and I talked and so that we can focus on us I will be taking next semester off. That is actually kind of a relief too. So I just need to hang on a little longer.

I know this is long. I'm not really looking for any advice, just a sympathetic ear and using this forum as a sounding board. Just need to get this stuff off my chest. Ugh.

But, believe it or not I am doing better today.

[Torchbearer]

Much better day and last night was good too. I had decided I didn't care if he called or not. It shouldn't matter. So I made dinner and decided to try and tackle homework. Yuck. He called about 8:30 and it made my night. It's amazing what changing or removing your expectations can do for your PMA. We talked about this and that and it was all around pleasant.

This morning I woke up feeling good and it is even better knowing that I get to see him tonight, tomorrow, and Friday. Beyond that I don't know. We are going to a see a great local band tonight that is kind of an annual tradition for us the night before Thanksgiving. I proposed a little role play, I'm still waiting to see what he says. I suggested that we both show up as though we'd never met and then "meet" and spend the night like a newly forming couple. We'll see. Then tomorrow we are doing Thanksgiving just the two of us. He works Friday, I don't, but he invited me to see a movie Friday night. I know I'm setting myself up for a major let down, but I have to keep remembering that this is a temporary situation. We both know he's going to move back - it is a matter of when, not if. We just don't want to do it too soon as to fall back into old patterns (actually my suggestion), but it is so hard, even though it was my idea. I will stick to it.

As an overall, much better day. Hopefully it will continue to get better.