Flipping the tortilla

[Tostada]

My other thread was locked....that's not a good sign.

But...wanted to make my first post on my new thread about my wonderfull DB'ing techniques tonight.

W was apparently going to setup a sitter to watch our kids while we went out to dinner tonight. But, she came home around 5pm, poured herself a glass of wine, didnt setup a sitter, and didnt seem to motivated to go out. So, instead of me pushing the issue, I went upstairs, took a shower, and came down dressed to go out. Putting on my shoes, she asks 'where are you going'? I immediately told her she didnt seem too motivated to go out, so I was going out on my own...yes! She then asks me where I was going and if it would be o.k. if she and D8 could come with me. So, I said o.k...we all went out to dinner. I bet she was shocked I could go out on my own.

Anyway, not a huge development, but a piece of the puzzle...helped my PMA...

[Puddle]

Nice! Good for you.

[Laurie]

Tostada,
Good for you! There were at least (and I am sure more!)great things you did:
1) Did something unpredictable and independent
2)Created change with friendly tone and approach

When people do things differently and more confidently without doing it "in spite", it has a much more positive outcome!!!

Keep it up!

[DownNotOut...yet]

She was shocked. I am sure. When you back off, things go better for you...but you already knew that.

[Tostada]

I think I may have broken a db rule....asked her if she was in love with some guy at work.....said no.

I asked her what I could do to ultimately make her happy. Her simple response was 'I want to be in love'...

So....how the heck to I do it. I guess it's the DB'ing?

So....how the heck to I do it. I guess it's the DB'ing?

Absolutely - She's telling you what is missing in her life. Just follow the rules:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

[Tostada]

We are supposed to be going out of town to her parents house for Thanksgiving. I have told her I am unsure if I want to do this or not. I actually am. But, I know I should. It's the best opportunity to DB especially while in her house. I just wanted her to know that I have the ability to choose to do something else. Her answer to me was that I should come.

We are supposed to be going out of town to her parents house for Thanksgiving. I have told her I am unsure if I want to do this or not. I actually am. But, I know I should. It's the best opportunity to DB especially while in her house. I just wanted her to know that I have the ability to choose to do something else. Her answer to me was that I should come.

I don't see why you shouldn't go - It'll be confusing for the kids if you don't... Sure you can do something else, but this is a family event and it'll probably appear really bad if it looks like you bailed out on it.

[Tostada]

I feel like I'm just sitting around letting the clock run out until she leaves.

I know she has told friends that she wishes I had made these changes 5 years ago. I guess thats a positive. But I also believe she has contacted a lawyer. Thats a negative.

However....going to her parents house for Thanksgiving. One tradition is to sit around before dinner and each person there has a minute or two to say what they are thankful for. For me its usually pretty emotional. This year could be very tough. Wonder how to maximize the DB opportunity at this moment? Trying to figure out exactly what to say and have it etched in my mind so my emotions dont take over.

[Tostada]

Not the best of days....wife mad at me for asking if she loved some guy at work and about me emailing her dad about something. she was really sensitive about the 'love' question which breeds more curiosity in me. She has totally denied it, but has confided pretty deeply in this guy.


I will be going to her families house for Thanksgiving. I do need some help with my 'Thanks' script.....Looking at below, I have about 6+ weeks of DB'ing. I'd hoping to have 4-5 sentences of professional DB'ing.

then...just got this over the wire..

"You are right.I do care about you and want to be your friend. I just don't want to be romantic. It is not what I feel and I haven't for a long time - you are right, never is probably not the right word. And I know you would do anything to please me right now.it is overwhelming for me. But it is also very frustrating.I do want space and I do need to live apart. If you
won't move out, then the kids and I will and we can see how it goes. I just need my space.I feel like I can't do anything without you watching me or listening to me. And I need to talk to my friends right now and hang with them.

Most importantly, I want to kids to be ok and feel loved by both of us.I don't want to use them to play against each other.when D8 says she wants us to sleep together, we need to be on the same page as far as the answer goes. On all of this..I will move out with the kids if you want.we will try and find a house close by. I start looking and hope to find something in Jan.

What are you thinking for xmas? I am happy to spend it together but do you want to take the kids for a few days somewhere? I was thinking of driving to Idaho to visit the XX's.They will be out for 2 weeks and will need something to do.Let me know.