Mojo, do you like yourself? I know you're fond of your pilgrim soul but what about as a whole package? You seem to spend a lot of time worrying that you're too much of something or not enough of something else.
Mostly I like myself but I'm having a mid-life identity crisis due to being single again and almost empty nest. The fact that I'm self-employed isn't very helpful either because I'm lacking even the stability most people get from the 9-5 routine. I'm not as worried about being inadequate or unattractive (although I definitely was immediately post-separation) as I am suffering from option paralysis. So I am simultaneously more anxious but also less unhappy than I was when I was in my SSM. So maybe it's more that I don't quite trust myself to make some good decisions at the moment than that I don't like myself so I'm kind of franticly gathering information and trying to process it into a clockwork mechanism that will spit out perfectly spherical gumballs of happiness.
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I've come to the conclusion that trying to tip the odds in one's favor, attraction-wise, isn't as effective as playing the numbers game until you find someone attracted to you as you are.
I agree with you philosophically but I don't think it works quite the same if you're a woman. I know that this isn't what you're talking about but take the example of the guy who simply asks every reasonably attractive woman in a bar if she'll have sex with him until finally one says "yes". What if a woman did that? Part of my problem is that I'm still trying to figure out to what extent I subconsciously chose to put myself in a virtual burka while I was married in order to keep myself from cheating on or leaving my H and therefore damaging my children. I really don't know how to stop myself from having sex if I allow myself to be sexy and be around men. However, although it might seem backwards logic, the more sexy I perceive myself to be the more I can resist being sexual because it's like knowing you have a car and money so you can always go to the store to get some cookies. Hopefully, I will get past this whole biscuit-hoarding thing someday.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
