Dropping the line vs. differentiation

[OG_Lou]

double standard, performance anxiety, Madonna/Whore, what-level-of-minute-analysis-of-issues

What double standards? Like, it's good for Men can be experienced but women shouldn't be too experienced?

Maybe everyone needs to consider some men like me want an exclusive R and not all men will F anything that is offered.

I know I don't represent all men's POV, but you keep bring up "too nerdy to F." I don't see being too nerdy as a problem. I don't see being 42 as a problem. I don't see some of the other things ( a littler heavier than ideal) as problems.

It those things are problems for a guy, move on. He isn't the right guy for you. Eighteen year-old guys, being nerdy might be a problem for them. Mojo, this isn’t your college years, so don’t worry about what was and wasn’t when you were in college.

If I started dating today, none of those things you posted would be a problem. I would consider someone with mastectomies, some excess weight, and a lot of other less-than-perfect body types that seem to increase as people age.

Some no-go's would be bigotry, radical political/religious beliefs, refusing to exercise, no money sense, poor hygiene, severe deformities, unhealthy weight gain, and ( I haven't made that part of my no-go list ). I am not saying I would stay with someone that passed my minimums standards test.

Yes, the .67-.70 waist to hips ratio, good make-up, attractive clothed, etc. helps initially. The good sex helps in the short and long run but what lasts for you and your guy in the long run?

Maybe GP or guys his age, your age are more into eye candy than I am, so take my comments as one vote among many.

Lou

[MJontheMend]

Mojo, do you like yourself? I know you're fond of your pilgrim soul but what about as a whole package? You seem to spend a lot of time worrying that you're too much of something or not enough of something else.

Mostly I like myself but I'm having a mid-life identity crisis due to being single again and almost empty nest. The fact that I'm self-employed isn't very helpful either because I'm lacking even the stability most people get from the 9-5 routine. I'm not as worried about being inadequate or unattractive (although I definitely was immediately post-separation) as I am suffering from option paralysis. So I am simultaneously more anxious but also less unhappy than I was when I was in my SSM. So maybe it's more that I don't quite trust myself to make some good decisions at the moment than that I don't like myself so I'm kind of franticly gathering information and trying to process it into a clockwork mechanism that will spit out perfectly spherical gumballs of happiness.

I've come to the conclusion that trying to tip the odds in one's favor, attraction-wise, isn't as effective as playing the numbers game until you find someone attracted to you as you are.

I agree with you philosophically but I don't think it works quite the same if you're a woman. I know that this isn't what you're talking about but take the example of the guy who simply asks every reasonably attractive woman in a bar if she'll have sex with him until finally one says "yes". What if a woman did that? Part of my problem is that I'm still trying to figure out to what extent I subconsciously chose to put myself in a virtual burka while I was married in order to keep myself from cheating on or leaving my H and therefore damaging my children. I really don't know how to stop myself from having sex if I allow myself to be sexy and be around men. However, although it might seem backwards logic, the more sexy I perceive myself to be the more I can resist being sexual because it's like knowing you have a car and money so you can always go to the store to get some cookies. Hopefully, I will get past this whole biscuit-hoarding thing someday.

[MJontheMend]

I know I don't represent all men's POV, but you keep bring up "too nerdy to F." I don't see being too nerdy as a problem. I don't see being 42 as a problem. I don't see some of the other things ( a littler heavier than ideal) as problems.

It those things are problems for a guy, move on. He isn't the right guy for you. Eighteen year-old guys, being nerdy might be a problem for them. Mojo, this isn’t your college years, so don’t worry about what was and wasn’t when you were in college.

I am certain that I am not expressing myself adequately/accurately. I am currently experiencing no difficulties whatsoever in attracting men. I'm just sort of sickened by my success so I'm trying to be objective about it. Understand. I had no difficulty whatsoever attracting men when I was young and single. I have no difficulty whatsoever attracting men now. So...WTF went wrong in my marriage and how can I , dear Jesus Puh..leeze, stop it from ever happening again? is the issue.

[Dom R]

In the interest of my continuing pseudo-scientific research, I have a question for the men on the BB. Are there any of you who would not want to have sex with Bettie Page? (given that you weren't married, she'd have you, it was 1950-something etc. etc.)If not, why?

In the interest of not letting cac completely skew results for "the men on the BB":

not me. she was a freak.

Was she physically attractive? Definately.
Is that alone enough to have sex with her? no. I wouldnt have sex, just to "have sex". I wouldnt want to have a "one night stand" either.

PS: discovered the following just now, that rather validates that opinion:

"Page (a diagnosed schizophrenic) tried to stab several people to death and was institutionalized."

[Dom R]

Also: if you specifically want to feel sexy, and emphasise "I'm sexy" in the way you look... you will attract to you, men who are looking for sex.
(and you will also turn away the less aggressive type of man)

First, decide what kind of man you wish to end up with.
Then attempt to figure out what sort of thing would appeal to that sort of man.

[RealJourney]

[quote=MJontheMend So...WTF went wrong in my marriage and how can I , dear Jesus Puh..leeze, stop it from ever happening again? is the issue. [/quote]

I feel you put up with a lot of krap to try to have a nice family. Nothing wrong with that. You will never have to do that again, so go out there and enjoy.

[Burgbud]

First, decide what kind of man you wish to end up with.
Then attempt to figure out what sort of thing would appeal to that sort of man.

I couldn't disagree more. First, decide who you are. Then be that and you'll find the sort of man that appeals to.

(since I believe Mojo already understands, this is mostly for Dom's benefit)

[MJontheMend]

"Page (a diagnosed schizophrenic) tried to stab several people to death and was institutionalized."

I'm hoping they were men who were acting to promote the double standard or censor/condemn something they secretly j*cked off to themselves.

[MJontheMend]

I feel you put up with a lot of krap to try to have a nice family. Nothing wrong with that. You will never have to do that again, so go out there and enjoy.

That's my happy theory.

[MJontheMend]

I couldn't disagree more. First, decide who you are. Then be that and you'll find the sort of man that appeals to.

Mostly I agree with you. However, we are faced with the sexual omnivore's dilemma (if I steal a line from Michael Pollan's book and make analogous use of it) - When you can eat anything/everything how do you decide what to eat? If I follow your suggestion I am viewing myself as the food. I work my way through the remnants of my marital fusion and resolve my midlife identity crisis and cheerfully decide that I am a "peach" (that is what I am according to OkayCupid testing which means that I'm just a tad too romantic to be the "playstation"- lol) and go about my daily life emitting peach-like vibes of being sweet, ripe and just mushy enough or something like that. Am I to assume that any guy who likes peaches is the right guy for me?

If, OTOH, I view myself as the eater rather than the eaten, active rather than passive, I have to think more like a hunter and contemplate things like "I wonder how I could get that nice pitcher of cream to come over here and pour himself all over my peachy self?" in which case, it's not that I'm trying to be something other than a peach but just the most appealing peach possible, perhaps attractively merchandised with a little sign that says "Peaches and Cream- A delectable combination that should be enjoyed on a regular basis. Yum!"