H came into my office today. We had a pleasant chat, mostly about D13 and some issues with her.
I should have known something was up.
He has been meeting with his attorney and had a settlement offer prepared.
Settlement. It really is a final sounding word. This really is going to happen, isn't it?
I didn't react at all. I don't know what is wrong with me. He basically said that he had a copy in his office and could I stop by sometime today and he would go over it with me. I was beyond pleasant and said sure, but if he just wanted to give me a copy, I was sure that I could figure it out. But he said that he needed to go over a couple of things with me. Later I was in his office on a work related issue and he gave me the packet. He also made a comment to the effect that he had been fair with "George" (his business partner who encountered some financial trouble a couple of years ago) and he would be fair with me. Ummm - I am your wife, not your business partner.
He made a point to tell me that he didn't take his attorney's advice (meaning he thinks he was generous). He said his attorney thinks he is an idiot. And no....I didn't comment on this....wanted to, but showed restraint.
I have not opened the packet.
So this is my marriage. It has come down to money and "things". My H makes an offer so he can escape from me and I either accept it or fight him. And I am supposed to do this with a smile on my face? Act as if this doesn't bother me. Act as if his behavior doesn't impact me, or my children....our children? I don't want to fight over this - I find it very vulgar to reduce our marriage to this.
I don't know about this DBing. Based on my behavior, reactions, etc. it would be a perfectly logical conclusion for him to think that I am okay with all of this. With the exception of the initial bomb discussion, and the disaster on our anniversary...I have acted "as if" nothing has bothered me. I have had a smile on my face and have been pleasant even when he has not been very nice. So what do I have to show for this? A settlement offer. I mean, my H came into my cubicle at the beginning of a workday to tell me this. It apparently never dawned on him that I may get upset over this. Doesn't that tell you that he thinks I am fine with everything? Well of course he would think that. I have been acting "as if" I am.
You know, when my kids are not behaving appropriately, I tell them. And I would venture a guess that if my parents saw me behaving inappropriately, they would say something....even now that I am grown. But I don't think that anyone is telling him that what he is doing is wrong. I have never told him that he is behaving like an *ss. I have never told him how much pain he is putting me through. I have never told him about the pain that he has put his children through. I have never told him what I think about any of this. So how would he know?
But he doesn't care, does he?
This is going to sound silly but about Thursday of last week, I started feeling anxious an edgy. I couldn't explain it. I was excusing it to the girls leaving to be with H for the weekend, but I just couldn't shake this feeling that I was having. Even after the girls returned last night, I was still not right. Then I was thinking that maybe it was the holidays coming up. I wonder if I somehow knew....
A friend of H's called today and I picked up the phone. I haven't spoken to him since this mess started. He asked how I was and I gave the answer that I always give - "I'm very well, thank you for asking". He paused and said that he didn't know what else to say. I just laughed and said that it is a very awkward situation and I understood, and then I changed the conversation to a neutral subject.
I am tired of making everyone else feel comfortable around me because of something my H did. This is not my action.
And I am tired of pretending to my H, my friends, my family, to my children.....and even to myself, that I am fine. I'm not.
