While I respect your perspective and reading, I understand differently a couple things here. (Note that I am not a literalist when it comes to understanding Christian teachings; I read the Bible as a human creation, so that will set you and I apart from the beginning.) One part is that Malachi is the Old Testament, and though it is a Judeo-Christian religion, my reading of the New Testament and Christ's vision of God is that the New Testament God is not the same vengeful Being as the Old Testament's vision of God.
I had a sister who committed suicide 22 years ago, and although some would argue the Bible doomed her to Hell with that act, no one who knew her could support that -- she died out of response to deep personal pain and no God could damn her for that, I believe. She was only 16, but as my father said at the time, even God Himself cried out in anguish the day she took those pills - a statement that recognizes our flawed but real human quality of self-will. Again, I find my comfort in the vision of a God who mourns and grieves with us and doesn't invoke wrathful vengence upon our human weaknesses -- and in the case of divorce, I would hope God grieves our weakness.
That said, I don't think my minister friend was taking the vows lightly; I fear I have misrepresented her words. I think what she meant was that my husband and I had long ago upheld our vows -- not that the vows were no longer valid. On the other hand, I know that she and others are recognizing the fact that as much as I might not want to nor believe in divorce, I am not in control of that right now. My H can, if he wishes, begin filing papers, and in Iowa at least, after 5 months (with me postponing things as long as possible without just throwing money away), he can have a finalized divorce -- and I have no way of stopping that without legal injunctions and pain to all involved. She is ministering to my pain, not absolving us of our responsibility.
I think the idea is that no one wants divorce -- no one wants that pain nor to undermine vows -- but when one is in the situation that only one member of the couple wants to keep the vows, there is a time to reassess what it is one is holding onto. Standing for one's marriage is all great, but when the time comes that there is no marriage to stand for, where do we find ourselves? I do not think that my current relationship represents a marriage beyond the fact that we both wear our rings and file our taxes together. I won't walk away easily - heck, I haven't yet - but I don't think it's healthy psychologically or spiritually to bankrupt my own growth and the health of my sons just to hang onto something that's gone. Like the grief journey after a death, there is a point where one must live for the living, and know that God will care for us in all of our human brokenness.
These are just my thoughts. I respect your conviction, and I hope you continue to find the support in your understanding. We all are just trying to make it through this world, however that might be.
Peace and love, and thank you for your blessing - A
