an xh, his FF, Thanksgiving, MIL, and one psuedo-R

[azhira]

MIL is making me crazy!! lol She has decided that we don't feed DS enough, and now takes every opportunity to insist that's why he's crying. GAH! Last night he had a teething meltdown...and she kept asking me if I'd tried feeding him. Uh, of course. It's always the first thing to try when he cries. No, I don't know my kid, and it couldn't possibl be the four molars that are making his red, puffy gums hurt! Oh, and the gooky sinus eyes...were because he must have been crying all day at daycare. I know she means well, but, seriously, we know what we're doing!! Gah!

(Okay, vent over...)

Why do I feel the need to justify myself to her? I even feel the need to justify a bit here. That bothers me more than the nitpicking. I know the problem is that I need to have more confidence in my own actions. And, at first, I just found all the constant questioning irritating. But, after awhile, it's started to get to me!

xh has been camping out at in my apartment. He says he feels homeless. He also keeps insisting that I hang out there when MIL and bf are at his place, so that he has someone on his side.

More pieces to the puzzle... I did get a glimpse of crazy-mode again the last few days. It hasn't been bad, but a lot of things are really clicking in my head lately.

Crazy-mode makes me just want away from him. I can see why I was sooo convinced I was done last year. With a little space, I can see that I was feeling really trapped by it. Of course, I always tried to work on myself, GAL, etc. Between that and that he used to nitpick worse than MIL, I think I really did withdraw emotionally from him a lot during those periods because I just couldn't deal with it.

I have such a hard time putting into words why I feel things at times, but I can recall this just pervading sense of oppression in me, of feeling like I just wanted away, and I didn't know from what. Most of the clothes I purchased at that time very, very dark. Interestingly, all of my color choices the last few months have been bright and cheery...orange paint in the kitchen, green in the bedroom. Red, blue, yellow for clothes. I think xh resolved a number of these things on his own, and I just didn't realize how deeply I was impacted until it was gone--and I can see glimpses of those things now, with MIL here. I must have been really unhappy, and just withdrew as a result.

I must have seemed totally checked out of the M at times. So, I can see why xh would have allowed someone else in, emotionally. The classic case of my own unavailability.

That would also explain why, during sep#2, he responded so well to all of the ILY's and random romantic things I would try. Because he really was craving my attention.

Of course, right now, xh is getting all of those love-needs met by JD. Ok. Well, maybe not all. Her time with him seems to be more limited than it used to be....I wonder if that's why he's been around more? xh has told me that he doesn't see her as much as he used to. (Not-so-coincidentally, he doesn't spend as much time at that gym. Surprise, surprise.) Their R is basically a bunch of texts and IM's about how much they love each other. Not sure there's much substance for anything more longterm there.


Positives...

xh told me he misses our family time...where it's just me, him, and the baby.

xh has told me repeatedly he supports me in regards to MIL. (Amazingly, he and I have very similar ideas on how to raise kids. Who would have thought?)

xh actually gave me a couple of genuine hugs yesterday!

xh is fighting the impulse to go into crazy-mode pretty well. He is very, very stressed, but has been doing a pretty good job of not (completely) taking it out on me, unlike in the past. I need to make sure to tell him this!

[azhira]

Oh, forgot...xh made the odd comment yesterday that he admired my standing up to MIL. I found it kind of odd, because all I did was gently tell her that our daycare is not evil. And that xh and I really did know what was best for our son. I wasn't mean or rude, just politely disagreed with her.

[JennyF]

Why do I feel the need to justify myself to her? I even feel the need to justify a bit here. That bothers me more than the nitpicking. I know the problem is that I need to have more confidence in my own actions.

This was a huge problem for me after my first was born and especially after I went back to work after a year. I call it MOMMY GUILT, as a matter of fact there is a good book with the same title. I think you give birth to guilt when you give birth...comes with the title. You feel like what you're doing is never enough and you have to justify every choice/decision. I find myself justifying it to myself! Ironically, this also contributed to the breakdown of our R. When D was 1 yr I went back to work and had a REALLY hard time balancing work and home. I felt SO guilty about the quality of meals I putting on the table among other things and I think it began to drive H nuts b/c I became so robot like and tense all the time.

MIL is a big one for us too. He has never really stood up to his mom. I love her to death, but she had a habit of being in our faces all the time and he could never speak his mind to her. Good to hear your xh is standing up for you.

Really interesting also that you're noticing your own feelings with regards to craziness and his patterns. Do you think he will discuss this with you? Does he recognize he's getting crazy again?
J~

[Dom R]

Oh, forgot...xh made the odd comment yesterday that he admired my standing up to MIL. I found it kind of odd, because all I did was gently tell her that our daycare is not evil. And that xh and I really did know what was best for our son. I wasn't mean or rude, just politely disagreed with her.

Maybe that's what he meant... you stood up to her, yet in a respectful manner.... something that he has not found a way to do himself.

[azhira]

I love her to death, but she had a habit of being in our faces all the time and he could never speak his mind to her.

Yes. I love MIL...I really do...but when she gets like this...AGH!! lol We used to go out dancing together. She and I would hang out just for fun, even without xh. Her nitpicking seems to be so much worse right now than I remember...I'm not sure if I just didn't realize the affect it was having before (very likely) or what.

She's out of town for the week. Went to Vegas with her bf. (xh and I both really like the guy, too. Great guy.) So...hopefully, we can both relax a little.

I call it MOMMY GUILT, as a matter of fact there is a good book with the same title. ... I find myself justifying it to myself!

I think it's more than just the baby. I started noticing I did this after he was born...and then, making an effort to correct it. For some reason, I used to feel like I had to justify everything. xh contributed to this stupid circle, but he certainly wasn't the cause of it.

Anyway, I had done a pretty good job of learning to just trust myself over the last year...and I noticed the doubt creeping back in with her here. I think that, more than the actual annoying conversations, is what's really bothering me. I thought I had fixed that issue with myself!

Do you think he will discuss this with you? Does he recognize he's getting crazy again?

We've been talking about it. I mentioned it to him yesterday, but I think I could have explained it better.

He does know how nuts he's been acting. He apologized to me this morning. That is a huge difference from before.

[azhira]

So.

The last couple of days, xh has been driving me almost as crazy as MIL. Wow. I didn't realize how much pressure I used to feel around him before, until it was gone. I am more certain than ever that I appeared to withdraw because of it. The really big positives from all of this... For one, I know I wasn't nuts, and xh really used to just push, and push, and push. He'd be defensive when I'd try to talk to him, and critical of so much of what I did. And the crazy...ohmygod...the jitters, can't make any sort of flirtatious remark, the panic...I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Ugh. Two...he really has changed those behaviors. And I really like the guy xh is becoming. Wow.

I did catch myself thinking yesterday that he was reverting...and man, did I just feel like running. Then, it dawned on me, that I was doing what one of the things xh used to do to me: assuming the temporary change, from a temporary extreme stress, was exemplifying how our interactions would always be in the future. Besides the pregnancy trigger for xh, I know I had really withdrawn because of insane job stress. Anyway, this morning, xh called me and apologized, said he knew he had been difficult, and just asked me to let him cool off for a day or so. That, I can understand.

Another thing I'm pretty sure of... I actually find our current "friendship" more emotionally satisfying than I did the last year or so of our M. It's more relaxed, it's very comfortable, and we can actually talk about any points of friction. I didn't realize how incredibly trapped I felt at times, until he resolved this issue within himself.

And onto more things alien...lol...

xh has invited JD to Thanksgiving with us. (At his house.) MIL and bf will not be here, like we thought originally. I also invited my very good friend D there.

I was startled when I found this out, but as MIL and bf were there when he mentioned it, I didn't probe him at the time. He noticed I was acting distant/upset at the grocery store (DUH), and asked me why. Old habit: I would have just denied it. New habit: I gently explained that, uh, that's a little odd, and I was feeling really weird about it.

xh said he thought I might. He asked if I was mad; I said no. (Being honest.) He asked if he should withdraw the invite. I thought about it for a minute, said no. Asked him if he would feel weird if the situation were reversed, and he said that he would. (Okay. Progress. At least he knows there's something 'off' here. Long story, but in a similar situation years ago...he didn't think it was weird at all.) xh said something about--I don't recall how it was phrased--testing it, or trying to see how it would feel.

After thinking about it for a day...

Well, I don't actually think she'll be there. (Controlling husband.) If she does, well, I think this provides several opportunities for me. One...I will make sure I look more than nice. Two...xh will actually feel uncomfortable. That will be an opening for me to discuss with him later why he's uncomfortable, to learn to listen to that feeling, and what it's trying to tell him. (Since, you know, this situation is so normal. Okay, sarcasm aside, he's a classic case of suppressing his emotions.) Three...being latina, my guess is, she'll pick up on that xh and I are still more than friendly, and will be much more jealous in the long run than me.

Of course, she was supposed to go to DS's bday party, and wasn't there. I doubt she'll be there Thursday, either.

xh was a little touchier yesterday, too. That's another good baby step. We're both very PT people. Not like making-out-PDA or anything...just always sort of lightly touching to reconnect a lot during the day. On the arm, on the hand, on the back--very quick, light touches. He's been doing that a bit lately. xh also (semi-seriously) said we "might" have another kid in a few years in front of MIL.

Oh. And I think he thinks I have a bf. lol He called me while I was having lunch with a friend last week...seemed very surprised. Then, when he called me earlier, he complained my vm was full. I told him I just hadn't cleared out all the messages yet. So, xh said, "Do you have a new bf who is leaving you a ton of messages?" I said, "If that were the case, wouldn't I have listened to them by now?" He said maybe, but that that's just how these things go. I decided not to tell him that it's just one of my CC's calling me five times a day. lol (They're evil. I mailed the payment, it just hasn't posted yet. Too lazy to delete all the messages.)

[DaveJ]

I gently explained that, uh, that's a little odd, and I was feeling really weird about it.

xh said he thought I might. He asked if I was mad; I said no. (Being honest.) He asked if he should withdraw the invite. I thought about it for a minute, said no. Asked him if he would feel weird if the situation were reversed, and he said that he would. (Okay. Progress. At least he knows there's something 'off' here.

So basically he can analyze it after the fact and realize that it's not "right". The thing he may need to work on now is thinking things through before acting upon them. Of course, he also should've consulted you before inviting anyone even if it's just a normal friend since you are doing the cooking... He comes across as insensitive, but at the same time it's very strange that he just doesn't know any better....

[DaveJ]

I gently explained that, uh, that's a little odd, and I was feeling really weird about it.

xh said he thought I might. He asked if I was mad; I said no. (Being honest.) He asked if he should withdraw the invite. I thought about it for a minute, said no. Asked him if he would feel weird if the situation were reversed, and he said that he would. (Okay. Progress. At least he knows there's something 'off' here.

So basically he can analyze it after the fact and realize that it's not "right". The thing he may need to work on now is thinking things through before acting upon them. Of course, he also should've consulted you before inviting anyone even if it's just a normal friend since you are doing the cooking... He comes across as insensitive, but at the same time it's very strange that he just doesn't know any better....

[azhira]

Well, we had already talked about inviting friends. So no big deal, there. xh knows that I really do like to cook for people on Turkey Day. Was just trying to get a head count yesterday...and didn't expect that answer!! lol

Yes, impulse control is a huge issue for him...he knows it...it's one of the things he's trying to correct. He also has this problem with trying to please everyone.

He comes across as insensitive, but at the same time it's very strange that he just doesn't know any better....

So, you'll enjoy this story, then. So, apparently, neither one of us really knew anything about how R's or M's were supposed to work. We're both learning. Back when xh first starting hanging out with xow, he was telling me how she was such a great friend, and how she was helping him explore his issues, etc., etc. I thought great, wow, good for him. (A little naive?) I remember when he told me how xow said ILY to him, and how he was so excited, because it was totally platonic. I thought that was cool, too. (Yes, I was that dumb.)

Anyway, one night, xow comes over to our apartment to hang out with xh and I. (I thought she must be really cool, since xh liked her so much. Duh...) I wound up with some mild food poisoning, and went to bed early, before they got there. xh told me later how they were cuddled up on the couch, watching movies and stuff, while I was asleep in the bedroom. Here's the kicker...at the time, I really couldn't have cared less. If I had gone to the kitchen for something, I wouldn't have even blinked. He told me that she had been nervous about my reaction, and we laughed about how silly that seemed at the time.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time.

(Of course, a few weeks later, xh "decided" he didn't want to be married...but that's a whole other story.)

I guess my point is...if xh seems clueless, I was equally clueless at one point. Following the affair, I decided to do a lot of research on how and why affairs occur. I had a lot of really wrong ideas about how it all worked. I've learned a lot.

And, weirdly, he is a very sensitive guy. Picks up pretty quickly on when I'm in an 'off' mood, usually asks, is very supportive, listens well etc.

Not trying to justify his views or his actions. Just trying to explain it. That's why intellectualized discussion of these kinds of things seems to work better with him than just "Quit being a moron!" Because, his perspective is so skewed, he probably doesn't 100% believe he is being a jerk. I think some part of him suspects, and it's a matter of encouraging that thinking.

[Dom R]

i cannot believe you gave your ok for that invite.

Well, I don't actually think she'll be there. (Controlling husband.) If she does, well, I think this provides several opportunities for me. One...I will make sure I look more than nice. Two...xh will actually feel uncomfortable.

OR... he'll feel validated that he is "Just friends" with her, and that you now are "ok with it".

.... I think this is a disaster in the making. You need to be consistant. He's confused enough without you flipflopping...

Of course, she was supposed to go to DS's bday party, and wasn't there. I doubt she'll be there Thursday, either.

hope you're right.