I like my lawyer. She tells it like it is. Sure, they joust back and forth, but that is what I pay her for. A legal expert to keep me out of the poorhouse and she also shares her "street smarts" concerning the emotional side of her profession.
Lawyers get a raw deal here from some. I can see why - they work for Divorce. But they work for us when we were given no alternative.
Another UNemotional voice in my life. I like that. I like people with passion. I like people who do things for the right reasons. I like people who lay it on the line. I may not always agree, but I respect honesty and integrity above all.
Friendly contact with former W. She thanked me again for the support at her mom's funeral and for being so friendly with her. She is sad. FIL came to see her over Veterans Day weekend and he too is sad. She is really hurting.
I told her anything she needed ... Her response: "I haven't talked with Lawyer lately so I don't know if anything more has transpired. I would like to finalize the settlement - that would help me more than anything."
My mom turned 90 over the weekend. She looks good but is slowing down. Guess you have the right to do that at 90.
I cooked her a big meal (homemade pasta) and I had the kids so it was a bit of a party. She enjoyed herself. I put only three candles on the cake, one for each 30 yrs. I told her if I put on 90 candles, she would have dropped dead after trying to blow them out.
S10 had a early field trip Monday; I had to get him to school by 0530. So I asked former W to keep D6 Sunday night b/c school does not open until 0700. I told fW that I would run D6 by her house after I dropped my mom home after dinner ... or ... I told her she was welcome to come and have cake with us and then get D6.
To my surprise, former W came over and had cake with us. She even got a card for my mom. Stayed about an hour. Still no eye contact with me but she did visit with my mom some.
My mom seemed pleased she came. Mom showed me the card fW gave her. fW wrote "Love Always". My mom's comment was "If she loved us she would not be doing what she is doing".
Hope I am that smart when I turn 90.
You know, during fW's visit, I could not help but think how much I missed those sort of family things most of all. Birthdays and such. Sharing a meal.
Just sharing.
But I looked at former W and all I felt was indifference. I miss the "family", but not her. Part of me feels sad about that, but part of me does not.
Is that the way I should feel? Somehow it all feels wrong.
I get the kids for Thanksgiving. That will be fun.
But I looked at former W and all I felt was indifference. I miss the "family", but not her. Part of me feels sad about that, but part of me does not.
Is that the way I should feel? Somehow it all feels wrong.
Wheter it is right or wrong I cannot say. I can tell you that it's exactly where I am at this point as well. I miss the family, I miss what I had, I miss having "Someone" there with me, someone that I can just talk with. But I don't miss ExW very much if at all. I don't know how that feeling could be wrong. It's how you feel in reaction to what has happened to you. The last thing any of us should do at this point is to start feeling bad or wrong for the feelings we have following the sitch we have been thrown into. We never chose this. Your feelings are what they are. The thing is, either of us could be missing something else.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I agree Don. Thanks. I do feel I am "missing" something here. As I relate below, I did respond to her emotionally but it quickly was quickly replaced by indifference and pity.
BBA - Thanksgiving? I have the kids! That is good. I will also have my mom over. The meal will be smaller but it will be okay.
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I wrote about former W coming over to have cake on mom's birthday. It must have affected her to be a "family" again b/c next day I got the email from he*ll: Why is the D paperwork taking so long? I want to change some of the custody language.
I got very angry and forwarded it to lawyer. Then I sat down and wrote my own email. I let her have it - both barrels. I cannot even reprint my words here or they will toss me off the board. I was mad.
As my finger was pressing Send, my mentor emailed me out of the blue. He was responding to a Thanksgiving Wish I sent him. He thanked me for the wish and proceeded to tell me about his relationship with his xW -
"Things are very up and down with xW and me - one day, good interaction, the next terrible. She's still on a rude/angry kick and frankly, Jeff, it wears me down. It was very very hard to not rip her head off this morning for example - so I merely emailed her instead and said it was okay for her to be cordial - that it's good for the kids to see us interacting with the respect befitting their parents.....no reply."
Then he said:
"But the bottom line is this, Jeff. As you move forward with your life, stick to the "high road". It's hard - so bloody hard at times - and that's why it's crucial to have male friends to provide council and wisdom and a ready ear - for letting the pain out. As strong as we ARE (and yes, we ARE), we're still humans and it hurts to be blown off so coldly. We wouldn't tolerate it from strangers - less so from the mother of our children.
And it IS about the children, Jeff. They're watching, always watching to see how we act. How you interact with fW will be their guide to their futures - concentrate on that and fW's actions will become merely annoying rather than debilitating and you'll find you act with honor and integrity and compassion."
No, I did not hit Send.
I did respond to fW, but with a compassionate tone instead. Told her that her lawyer has had the paperwork for three weeks now without response. I also explained the rationale for the custody language and the law associated with it.
She meekly replied back that she could not "speak of the legal aspects", she just "wants the language changed" and that she had not contacted her lawyer.
I replied back for her to check with her lawyer. She initially said she would but then she got tough again today: "I will not change my mind about this .... I am not your wife anymore...I do not believe the court would award this. I do not think the current custody language is in the best interest of the children. I don't want to go to court, but this is the one thing I will go for."
My lawyer says that she would not stand a chance in court if she pressed the language change. She is living in her own reality now.
But really, I bet she found herself seeing me differently lately as I supported her in her mom's death and through the D process. And then seeing my mom in a family celebration.
So now she has to pick a fight to tell herself she is still "right" about me and us. That it is all my fault - including Global Warming. Her best line "I am not your wife anymore" = I will not let YOU control me, you will not mess with my feelings.
She is trying to run from herself.
So it goes. We were all but ready to sign and now new stuff is introduced. I hope she will come to her senses, but after 23 months that is really too much to ask.
Sorry she is throwing down with all this crap in the homestretch, and during the holidays, but you are right in recognizing it for what it is and responding with compassion.
And remember, you do that for you...and your kids.
As for the birthday, Thanksgiving is Thanksgiving. Birthday is a separate matter. To celebrate the day of your birth. If people cannot be honored and adored on that day, then when? Do something special, with your children, to celebrate that day. It will teach them that that is what we do for others on birthdays...not just for kids, but for everyone.
I have seen it over and over in kids of divorce, that because the spouse is not there to "prompt" the children to recognize the birthday of the other parent, it goes unacknowledged, the children never learn to do it for their parents. Oh, yeah, they expect it to be done for them, but they never learn the responsibility to reciprocate, not to mention the joy that comes from doing something FOR someone, not just being on the receiving end.
