Hi guys. Ok. So H left again last week. Completely surprised by this. He had been home for a week. He told me 2 days ago, he's back with the OW. He has not told her that he was with me for 2 weeks while still with her. He says she'll walk if she finds out. She believes that while he was home, he stayed in the basement. He invited me to go away with him and his family for Thanksgiving to his family's cottage 2 hours away. He did tell her he invited me and that I wasn't going. This made her very upset. He is refusing to tell her I AM going because he knows she will walk. As it turns out, she has a job opportunity in another state in December and will not go if she thinks there is a chance with him. And he will not tell her this stuff because he knows she will take it and leave. I change my mind every day, if not every hour, as to whether or not to go for Thanksgiving. On one hand, I want to go because I know I will enjoy myself with his family. And I'm kinda hoping she WILL find out that I'm there. On the other hand, I don't want to go and let him have his cake and eat it too. KWIM? She is already started to not trust him because he called me yesterday upset saying I called and talked her and told her we had been together sexually very recently. I haven't done that. But he received a text from her yesterday afternoon asking when the last time that we had had sex. He told her it was after the inital seperation, but didn't explain. I don't know what all has been said since then. So I'm asking all of you out there! Should I go or no?! What's your advice!?
Me- 29 X - 30 M - 7.5 years Final April 2009 S - 2005 D - 2007
Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming!
Without knowing about your stitch, I wouldn't go. You want him to come back to you not because she has left the state, because he wants you. Don't go just because this will drive her away, go because he wants you there, but by your post it definately looks like he wants it both ways.
Just my opinion.. It looks like he's enjoying this.. I wouldn't want to be a part of it.
good luck.
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Julz, Your sitch sounds like mine ... AN OW WHO IS PLAYING GAMES! Welcome to the 'waiting for our H to pick me' club.
So what do you want to do? I agree with TAL, don't go to play the games OW is playing, on the other hand, if you want to go, go. I like spending quality time with my H. It definitely helps in our sitch. If you think the time together would help you, why not?
He did ask you to go. Did you ask him why? He may not be too forthcoming if you do, but it may be a chance to dig into what he's thinking. But maybe he really does want you to go - which is good. Are you interested in reconciling your M? This could be a good weekend to employ some DB techniques. Let your H see what he will be missing! I'd go but play it cool.
So, again, what do you want to do? It's hard to sit by and watch our S continue contact with the OP. Many of us are living with that.
I just don't get it. Why do wives sit around and do this to yourselves? Don't you have more self respect than that? Why would a W play second fiddle to OW? Do you think I would have had respect for my H if he allowed me to continue my little games with my OM just as long as I allowed him to stay in the same house with me? No way! Oh, I may have played him for the fool he would have been or if he wanted to be my "best friend" while I screwed around on him, then, yeah, I probably would have had a PA with the OM. Who wouldn't have their cake and eat it too?
Are you so afraid of losing your H that you are willing to allow him to go have an affair while you sit meekly by and wait for him to decide who he likes better? He has more or less been open about this?
You need to read Dr. James Dobson's book on Tough Love.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, Just thought I'd drop in to say hello, sorry if I'm imposing on someone elses thread. No big news from me, I have the D papers from my W, I need to review them and sign and return them to my wife so she can give them to her lawyer. She has not requested any more money, of course she has already received $125K from the refinance of my house and split assets. I wrote her the note I said I would write, I told her how important she is to me, I said she is the most kind & considerate person I have ever met, I told her she has a warm smile & eyes that sparkle. I told her I was lucky to have her and the 17 years of memories we have together. I told her I was a happily married man (something she has brought up, thinking I was not a happy guy?) She thanked me for the letter about 3 times, but her goal is to get a D, she told me she wants to be by herself, I asked her if she's lonely since our S lives with me. She said she is not lonely, she likes living by herself, she said she doesn't want or need anyone else. I still wonder if she is going through a MLC? Other times I feel as though she just wants out and doesn't want to be a wife anymore, I think that is most likely. Thats my update, please feel free to give me your thoughts. Thanks
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
I just don't get it. Why do wives sit around and do this to yourselves? Don't you have more self respect than that? Why would a W play second fiddle to OW? Do you think I would have had respect for my H if he allowed me to continue my little games with my OM just as long as I allowed him to stay in the same house with me? No way! Oh, I may have played him for the fool he would have been or if he wanted to be my "best friend" while I screwed around on him, then, yeah, I probably would have had a PA with the OM. Who wouldn't have their cake and eat it too?
Are you so afraid of losing your H that you are willing to allow him to go have an affair while you sit meekly by and wait for him to decide who he likes better? He has more or less been open about this?
You need to read Dr. James Dobson's book on Tough Love.
Sandi, I have read Tough Love. I'm interested in your thoughts since you were the one that strayed from the marriage. I think you can offer all of us helpful advice.
I too think sometimes I should be doing something different. What would you do think we should do with a fence sitter?
Thanks for any input you have.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My personality type is one that would not have the endurance to stay with a man knowing he was having an affair or planing to go have sex with a woman while he was still sleeping with me! I know of some women on here that still sleep with their H's knowing he is sleeping with other women. I can't do that. But, then that is just me. It is my personal belief that a man doesn't repsect a woman if she does that. It places her in the light of being a door mat, clingly, needy, and all those things that he doesn't like. I think a woman should show some spunk, attitude and backbone. He should either decide to be the husband he should be or get the heck out of dodge and go be with the other woman.....but he should not be allowed to have both at the same time! Nor, should he be allowed to sleep with his wife and all the time be discussing the possiblility of going to have sex with another woman That, in my book, is unacceptable. He is making a fool out of the wife with that type of behavior and she should not stand by and allow him to do that. I know when you love somebody it is hard to turn them lose, but don't allow them to wipe their feet all over you either. Keep your self repsect, and by God, make him respect you also! Where does he think he gets off being free to run around and have sex with other women while the sweet little wife stays at home keeping kids, cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry? Just how long do you think he will continue to see this other woman while you sit at home waiting for him to choose between the two of you? I can tell you that he will continue to do it as long as he can get away with it. He would be crazy not to.
So, what would I do with a fence sitter? I would tell him he had about 24 hours to make up his mind who he wanted b/c he was about to lose his bed. Now, this is not exactly what Michelle teaches. She believes in making him the best home possible and being the best wife you can be so he will want to come back to you, but I am more old fashion and I have a problem with that part of what she teaches. In one case, I did tell a girl that if she wanted to fight fire with fire and that was what she wanted to do.....then go for it. I am just saying that I don't think I could play that game. I probably would make his choice very easy on him. I will add this though, that there are some cases that are a little different....so you have to consider that. Even Michelle says that it is a personal choice about how you deal with it.
Yes, I was the one that strayed from my M. I never left the home or my H. I did have an EA over the internet with a man I never met in real life. My H has not made love to me in close to 12 years now. He has not slept in the same bed with me in over 20 years. He doesn't have those conversations that we women crave. We don't do anything for fun. In short, we just don't have much of a relationship or a life together at all. I was starved for male attention and could give other reasons, but it still does not excuse me for what I did wrong. The point is, if I did not have some respect for my H, I would not stay with him. I was afraid that he would lose his respect for me when he discovered about the OM. Somehow though, he could forgive me and we are still together.
It just upsets me when I see younger women sit back and take this crap from their H's. My H was not going to take it from me, that was for sure. And, I would not take it from him, either. How can there be respect in a relationship if you know you can screw around with another person and your mate just patiently waits for you to get through and return home?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Of course you should go with him for Thanksgiving. You are his wife and that is your rightful place. Who cares what she does? She doesn't exist as far as you are concerned. Holidays are to be with family. You are family. I would sit in that chair at the family table like royalty.
It is so hard to decide. I now understand like I never did before. My initial reaction would be no, but it is hard to destroy something that took so long to build. I say you go and be part of the family like you always have. (and make sure she finds out!)
