Back at DB/new marriage new WAW

[dh4320]

Hi all,

I cant say im new to DB came here with my first marriage, and god it was helpfull, we ended up back together for about 6 months but i slipped back to the way i was that caused problems and ended up divorcing. It was hard but we did not have kids and we ended up moving away from each other me to TX her to AZ. Well I met a women about 6 months after i peft my wife. I was very hesitant about getting serious with this girl but she was so what i wanted in my life. We have been together 4 5 years have a 2 1/2 year old son, and a 4 month old daughter. After the baby was born in July, she began to withdraw and become depressed. Our doctor said she has postpartum, but she to this day has not filled the prescription, she does not feel she needs meds. She has also shown signs of bi polar which does run in her family. In any case we have been separated for about 3 weeks now. the typical i love you but dont think i can get myself back into the R.

I did confirm she has had an affair recently with a friend of hers just in the last 2 weeks. This guy has been helping her work on her songwriting and singing for the last 3 months. But to be honest with you the affair does not bother me that much. I feel that i have neglected her a bit lately, very tied up in work, i am not making excuses for her, but i dont blame her completely. I am being strong for my kids. LAst thursday she took the kids and went in hiding. Well that did not work for me, i filed a petition and court order to have custody of my children because i dont think she can care for them in the state of mind she is in. I dont want a divorce but i had to do what i did for my kids. She probably hates me now but she left me no choice. I got the kids back in less than 36 hours, i am in law enforcement and i knew what to do. So for the last 2.5 days she has not contacted me or tried to contact the kids. I am concerned for her and care for her and all i know is she is staying at a friends rental house. Dont know if she is still carrying on with the A and dont care at this point. Friends came over and we cleaned the ADD out of the house. Lately my wife has not taken care of the house, she used to be clean and tidy, not over the last few months. But i knew i could come back to this website there are caring people here and definetly know people share similarities in their stories. Any advice would be appreciated.

D

[kml]

AS I'm sure you know by now, postpartum depression (or even psychosis) can be a serious thing. I read a story in a magazine yesterday about a woman who suffered postpartum psychosis, left the psych hospital she was in, and wandered the streets for a few months before her H found her.

There are probably biological reasons for this - hormonal or nutritional. Thyroid problems are common in the postpartum period and may be linked. Nutritional deficiencies may have developed during pregnancy - B12 deficiency, for one, can cause depression or psychosis.

You're in a tough place right now, since she will be looking at you as the enemy. Does she have family members who could help her to get treatment?

Stay strong - you know this is a mental illness right now. Take care of your kids and do what you can to get help to her.

Ellie

[dh4320]

Ellie,
thank you for the reply. She has shut down communication with her family and tlaks to people who enable her or tell her that she is doing the right thing. Again she only talks to people who tell her what she wants to hear. One of my stipulations i will have in our court hearing on the 29th of this month is htat she gets a psych evaluation done before she can have visitation with the kids. 2 weeks ago she came home and forgot she left our 4 month old in the car for about 20 minutes. also she took her to the doctor last week for her 4 month shots and after they measured her for the growth chart she left the doctors, they had to call her and tell her my daughters shots had not been given yet. SHe has been keeping a journal lately and our neighbor said she drew some pictures in the journal that she does not remember even doing. She had a mentally abusive father and she lost her mom to breast cancer when she was only 9. I feel i am the only one who can save her from self destruction. So i have put my foot down and let her go, i hope she comes around but she is pretty stubborn. I always find the ones that need so much nurturing(dont think i spelt that right) oh well, i believe what i learned from DB and my first marriage has helped me with the way to handle this one.

D

[limbo]

(((DH))))

I am sorry that you find yourself here, and in the circumstance that you are, but as you know this is the right place to be!
She does sound like she is in the grips of something, how horrible for you all.
The one this I will say is that you can't save her, she has to be the one to do that. My H was in a severe depression, and attempted suicide, and I know that there is nothing I can do to save him. The only thing you can do is be there if she wants, let her know you will help her in any way you can, but you can not make her "all better".
You have taken the right steps in proctecting yourself and your kids, you and your children have to be your focus right now, I know that it will be the hardest thing to do.
She probably will be mad at you for awhile, someone has to be that scapegoat, but eventually, hopefully she will see that you had no choice to do what you did.
I had to call the police, when H tried to hurt himself, and they had to search for him, he was really angry with me, because they had taken him away in hand cuffs, but I would do it again, because you have to take the seriously. But you can't save them.

Post often, it will help!

[dh4320]

Thank you for your reply Limbo. I know i cant save her she has to do it herself. I have thought about worse case if she tried or did commit suicide.....But i think she believes she is in the right, that she had the authority or power to just grab the kids and leave. so we will see what happens..

D

[dh4320]

MY friends are telling me she will come back because of the kids and the fact that she cant support herself.

[limbo]

But is that what you want? I think you will need to ask yourself that, and if she is really unstable you have to think of the kids.
It is so hard because you are caught in the middle...you want to do the best for everyone, and in all of that you kind of lose you...you stop thinking about you becasue you worry about the kids, you worry about your w!
But you do have to and you must think of whats best for you too!

My W is suffering from depression and it got to a point where she couldn't really function anymore - She didn't come back (emotionally - she hadn't moved out yet), but she did wait until she was home with me before she pretty much fell apart. Once I helped her take a few steps to get back on her feet she is totally different and our relationship is significantly improved.

Until she is ready to start working on things herself, she's not going to be open to you doing a whole lot for her, unfortunately... It's hard to see someone you care about in pain, but you can't force her to take medication, or talk to a therapist. I agree with what lots of other folks said - Make sure you look after the kids. My W was no where near as negligent as your's, but I did make sure that I was always around so if she wasn't able to deal with D, that I could take her off her hands.

Even today my W mentioned that she feels like a bad mother and that she neglects D. It's not totally true, but I think she feels a lot of burden by being a parent - I'm sure your W feels the same way.

Space, time, patience - It's hard, but just make sure you keep paying attention to what she is doing so if things get totally out of control that you can pick up the pieces.

[dh4320]

Limbo and Brit, thank you for the replies. No Limbo i do not want her coming back for that reason. A close mutual friend of mine the W contacted her last night. He is a youth pastor and very neutral. SHe has alienated herself from people who tell her to work on things, and i was surprised she answered her call knowing he would tell her his goal is to help us work things out. He told me she is scared, hurting and broke down crying 4-5 times over a 30 minute conversation. He also told her people are human mistakes are made and that your husband is a loving forgiving person and would be willing to work things out with you. SHe has canceled some credit cards for our business and i think its just some revengeful actions, but does not concern me too much, whot do you guys think about where things are at right now. I know the holidays will be tough for her as well thanksgiving is in 2 days she will not be with the kids, and probably just visitation for christmas, if it drags out that far.

D

[dh4320]

Well now she is out shutting off our credit cards and called one of my employees for a key to my office. SHe is going muts and she has violated 2 more things in the court order, i dont know who is giving her advice but its not good advice.