I'm at work and just cried again for the past 1/2 hour during a prep period with a friend who went through this herself (although with older kids) not too long ago. I put the kids to bed last night and started crying when I tried to go to sleep, and I think it was three hours before I finally fell asleep.
I miss being a family. I miss what I had so much. Why couldn't I have felt the misery, so I could feel some of the relief?
OK, so I am obviously not ready to date. I am still struggling with wanting to make him see, even as I know that it is a fruitless endeavor. I am still struggling with trying to control that which is beyond my control. I can recognzie all of this, and still be sad. This is not the life that I want, not for me or for the kids. I don't know how to make a happy life without the father of my children being my husband--I don't know how to even begin finding someone who would make me feel the way that I felt with him.
Damn, spiraling again, and I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired and sad. I'm going to try to call the psych and see if there is a diff antidepressant; can I legally be on something that will make me high all the time ;0) ?
Really, I am happy a lot. I only get sad when I think about the sitch, that one part of my life that was the core of everything that I loved and valued. Urgh. I DO NOT want to start over! I want to be a little kid and hold my breath until I get my way.
OK, I am writing this in the middle of a bunch of 4th graders who are oblivious to my inner turmoil, happy with their friends and their work--how I'd love to be like that again.
