I so much understand your feelings of sadness. I have been having a "good" late October/early November - feeling strong and not overly weepy - but I can feel that changing with the temperatures as the days go by. I was so happy that we - my h and I - managed to come up with a satisfactory T-day set up, but the closer we get to it, the more I just feel poopy (sometimes 5 year-olds express things the best!).
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While I appreciate what your minister friend said, I have a hard time accepting it. For some stupid reason, I am very ashamed of the way that my marriage is ending....truth be told - I am mortified. And I do think it is wrong the way that it is ending. I got blindsided and never had a chance.
W8ing -- I know what you mean about how you feel this is ending. I too have a hard time accepting it and I do feel like we promised each other more than this. I try to find little lights of "ok" out there wherever they are. I guess it helps hearing our failure is not being judged harshly from someone in the church. I too was blindsided - his announcement that this was it came with a notice that he had already - without me knowing - moved out some clothes and items and had a lawyer beginning the paperwork! That part of it - that complete cutting off of any control or ability to respond - was like "being run over by a Mack truck and left bleeding on the road" (my C's words!).
But, I know that I've picked myself up from there. I was able to control some things -- I slowed the whole thing down so that even if we do end up not salvaging this marriage - er, relationship (I think the marriage is over), I have gained time for ME to get my feet under me.
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And while it may be loving to respect my H's wishes and let him go....it appears very selfish to me. Again - it is all about his wishes and what he wants.
You are right -- it is his wishes and his selfishness that's winning. I guess the thought of seeing it as loving is that, at least for me, I'm letting go of my control and wishes for once. I think what I'm trying to say is that as angry and frustrated and humiliated and sad as it all makes me feel, that maybe I am growing if I can say "I cannot control this; and if he's determined to end it all, I can at least be stronger and bigger than him." Truth be told, he's already gone and ended things -- he's already taken away any of my control in this situation in terms of how he responds and nothing I can do right now will make him less selfish or less determined -- so I might as well be loving and let him go. (And that isn't really all that convincing is it?...)
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No reason and I feel stupid for feeling this way. Others on the board here have such negative encounters with their spouses - and they have good reason to have down days.
Try to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up for these feelings. I too have so much less to complain about with how my H is acting. At least he works hard to see the boys daily and to keep in their lives; he has missed almost none of their school events (music, sports, theater, academic awards, etc.), and we even have managed to sit civilly together at these things. I give thanks for that ... he was always huge in the boys' lives and it would really make things hard if he just cut off ... although I agree it's selfish that he doesn't see or understand that his actions still will hurt them. Anyway - like you, I have so many fewer pains to deal with, but that doesn't mean I can't feel sad for what happens. It's both "survivor's guilt" and the pain of grief, it's both the loss of what was to come and the changed vision of what was. All of that is worth our sadness, I think.
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Free advice to all.....buy Kleenex stock....I have a feeling sales will be going up this holiday season!
I love it!!!
I hope today has dawned with new strength. I too was down last night but have found energy today. I think it's going to be melancholy today, though.
