Long and bumpy road

[Startingover2]

Had a really bad weekend that turned out ok. Dh heard me loud and clear. Its just the delivery I chose to take was not the best.

I lost it. Completely lost it.

All day Saturday I was fuming about DH being so casual about our R. I think my discussion with my exdh the other day was on my mind as well. Dh sent a text about 6:30 saying how he could come over for a bit if I wanted. I was pissy and said whatever. He got angry that I wasn't doing backflips and the text message war started. I should have had more control, but I lost it. I told him I felt that we weren't a priority, that he has one foot in and one foot out. That he thinks my stalker (aka OW) is a funny joke, etc. Finally he just stopped texting about 7:30

After an hour I decided I had enough texts and made the mistake of going to his house. He wasn't home. Still wasn't home at 11:30 when I went again. My mind automatically went to OW! He was with her! I just knew it. This is where I really went insane. I went and tried to find her house. I don't think I would have knocked, but I was sure I would find his truck there. Problem is she lives on some ranch out in the boonies. I know the general area, but not exactly. I spent the next hour trying to find it. Went back to DH's. Still not home. I waited at his house until 3:30 a.m. and left. I didn't get any sleep.

At 6 a.m. I went by his house again. I was just going to do a drive by. He was there. I stormed in and he was sleeping. I demanded to know who he was with last night! I mean, I was over the edge! He looked at me and said WHAT? He was with brother at a poker party at brothers house and pointed to the mound of dollar bills and change on the table. I didn't believe him at first and just started crying. He was irritated with me for barging in like a lunatic and accusing him. I asked why he didn't tell me. He said we were arguing on the texts and he just left.

I had a breakdown. I told him how I was feeling about him being hot and cold all the time. How I loved when he was making me feel good, ILY's, affection and time. Then how he turns into this distant person. I reminded him that he only spent 15 minutes with me in almost a week. He said he knew he was distant and didn't know why. That he gets his kids and work and stuff on his mind and pulls away.

He wanted to know my exact conversation with my exh. I told him. He didn't like it. I said my exh is worried about the example we are setting for the kids; that its ok to become pregnant and not married and treat it so casually. I also told dh that exh was concerned that I am going to have this baby and dh will just come and go as he pleased and it was upsetting for the kids. We have already devastated them once, and was worried about it happening again. Well, dh took it as a personal attack on him (I guess some was) and became defensive.

I guess it was an alright talk. I was clearly upset and at the end of my rope. I was exhausted from being up all night and was bawling. I blew all the DB'ing techniques and looked very needy. Disappointed in that. Dh did hear me though. Not sure what he was thinking.

During the talk he said just because he isn't around all the time does not mean he doesn't love me. It doesn't mean he is out with another woman, or that he is even talking to one. He likes his time alone. I do know that about him, but its so frustrating that he now has an option to go back into his cave and check out. He kept saying how life will turn out like we want it eventually. I don't know if he truly means that or its just a put off.

I had to apologize for going insane and making an ass of myself. I did. Not to excuse his distance, but the whole barging in didn't make me look like the most stable person.

LOL....can I blame it on my pregnancy hormones?