I would LIKE for our sex life to be better. I KNOW that it goes hand in hand with the emotions, etc., but he has brought it to a point of me feeling like he expects me to be a porn star and I better PERFORM and I don't like it. He thinks I'm simply not attraced to him, which isn't it, but a lot of negative emotions do go through my head throughout the day and while we're having sex because our relationship is so combative.
One other thing he said tonight that sticks out to me is "You could fix this so simply and you just refuse to." He is referring to me just being passionate with him. I have tried to point out that I pretty much did everything on the "list" of things he wanted me to do, have anal sex (I initiated it), shave (I did it as a surprise when we went to Vegas, but let it grow back somewhat afterwards), and I think the other thing was "just be into it" and did it make a difference?? Of course not! He complained then about something else, that it wasn't genuine enought, or I didn't do it often enough or long enought.
Zulu, this sounds like my wife's and my situation so I will tell you how I feel from your husband's perspective. You do sound much more receptive than my W, although that may be my bitterness talking. My wife has said the same things about the porn star aspect but I do not want anything more than what we used to have. (That's not really true as I'd love to have something other than purely traditional sex, but it is not my main focus). My wife claims she is "into it" but I get no feedback at all and there seems to be a very mechanical quality to the sex and an attitude of "let's get this over with" hanging in the air. No emotion, no connection.
It didn't used to be this way. When we used to make love we would feel very connected. Hell, I used to get such a chemical high from it that I could hardly walk afterwards. This changed some as our relationship struggled, changed dramatically when she went on AD's, and changed in a seemingly irreparable way when she had a hysterectomy.
If your husband does not feel that you are "into it" (and I will make no judgments as to whether you are, just how he feels), he will feel empty after sex. I have told my wife that I must be an idiot because I keep asking for something that makes me feel badly. It has gotten to the point with me that I am no longer initiating, or responding to her half-hearted initiations. I have told her what I need to feel something from her (and it is not anything radical, just a passionate kiss every now and then) and she is unwilling to make the effort. I am reaching the point that I believe I would be better off weaning myself from any attraction I have for her in order to maintain my sanity. I think I can stay married without love or affection in an almost corporate partnership but it certainly isn't my first choice.
Maybe your husband is raising the bar all the time or maybe he feels that you are trying to jump over the bar while leaving your emotions on the ground. I of course, am not in a position to have an opinion on that but I thought a perspective from the other side might be helpful.
Good luck.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
