Hi again ~ long time no see.

[**zuzu**]

Hello!

I haven't posted in several months. I am feeling low tonight because I feel like a hamster on a neverending uncomfortable treadmill.

Things were better for a while, but it seems like nothing ever changes for very long. I have to make being his wife my complete focus or he starts complaining he isn't getting enough sex and I'm not passionate about him, etc. It's very frustrating, because I think things are ok and then he starts acting cold (I probably pull away some then) and then he lays it all at my feet. I don't make him happy, etc. He pretty much said a few days ago that I better start giving him more sex because it's too easy to just go and get it somewhere else. I couldn't believe it. We had had a nice family evening with no disagreements and I was looking forward to watching tv with him that night (I agreed to watch HIS show when he complained over dinner that I never do) and maybe have sex. If we could just quit fighting so much, I would feel a lot better about us and probably want to do it more.

I am sick of this...

Cadesmom, you hanging in there? How was your trip to see your husband? Choc, I can't believe things have turned for you and hope you're doing well.

Robin

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, I actually changed my log-in name. Had given out the website to some others & "Cadesmom" was a little too obvious.

Just got home from the hospital -- had a hysterectomy on Monday.

Visit w/ H was wonderful. He's wonderful!! Got some beautiful flowers today and he actually had sent me some a month or so ago at work w/ a teddy bear that said it was "preloaded" w/ hugs from him. He has definitely come around and I think things are going to be ok for us.

I'm really sorry you & H are still having such issues. I remember the last time you posted, it almost seemed like it was to the point of one of you maybe leaving. I would guess that it has obviously gotten better, but there are still issues that need resolving.

Do you think maybe he's still depressed? Is he on an AD? I can't remember.

What are the "fights" usually about? Just him thinking he needs more sex & attention? How old are the kiddos now?

[**zuzu**]

Hi RHW,

Thanks so much for the response.

We fight more than we get along. He says I'm not attracted to him, just going through the motions, I think he thinks he'd be better off single.

He and I are both on AD meds. (I'm on it because he wanted me to get on them, but I do hope that they are helping me be patient with our kids, not be so quick to anger, etc.)

Kiddos are 1.5 and 4.5.

My eyes burn from crying so much. I don't know what to do, we can't even afford to get a divorce, literally.

[RedHeadWife]

I was thinking about you & what I could remember about your last post. This may seem like a silly question, but are you DB'ing at all? It seems to me like maybe you guys are just fighting constantly and he is able to "get your goat" constantly. Maybe you need to start db'ing your rear off & see how that works. Just act "as if" everything is great & wonderful. I don't know . . . I know that would be really hard, but worth the effort maybe?

I'll post more later. The boys are going nutso here & I need to get them out of the house before I go nutso w/ them.

[RedHeadWife]

You know, the other thing I was thinking too, and I hate to say it, but are you absolutely, positively sure there isn't an OW? Even an EA going on somewhere?

[oldtimer]

Do you have regular orgasms with H during sex? How often do you fake Os?

[**zuzu**]

Hi,

Thanks for the input guys. I SUCK at being brief, but it's 3:30 in the am, so I'm going to give it a shot.

As for D'bing: A part of me felt it did not "apply" to us in that I did not get "ILYBINILWY". Our relationship has grown stale but PRIMARILY that is in his eyes. I see us as more "comfortable" and the fighting is too frequent. So, when I was on the board regularly, I applied what I considered to be divorce busting that was suited to US. I took his number one complaint at that time, we fought too much, and made sure we didn't fight. I acted as if and tried to show my love. He was weird about it at first, like when I went out of town and didn't call him much, was very short and chipper on phone calls, he thought I didn't care about him. That sort of backfired (being too busy). Also, I have being doing lots of remodeling around our house and staying up late to remove popcorn from the ceiling or paint cabinets and he TOTALLY RESENTS it, saying that I have more time for that than my husband. Anyway, when I did what I thought would work for us, bent over backwards and basically made our relationship my full-time job, things improved. When I thought we had reached an improved place and I laid off, things slowly went totally sour again.

I went out and bought Sex-Starved Marriage tonight. I also bought another one and when he came home tonight, I had them out on the bed. I told him that I would like us to individually read some out of them over the next few weeks and just try to be open minded, maybe then switch books. He said he would try and asked if they were geared to the man or the woman, and I said technically, I would say that they're geared more towards the woman, or perhaps to one spouse, but I think they were essentially couple's guides and we could benefit from them. He has thrown divorce out so much the last few days ("Then there you go, we're at an impasse, too much damage has been done, that's it!" or "I will live in a marriage of convenience until you go back to work, but after that, I can't do it anymore!") I told him I take it seriously and I agree that if we can't stop fighting and be happy, we should divorce, but we owe it to ourselves and our kids to at least invest in a $15 books and spend some time seeing if the advice helps at all. I said that was a lot cheaper than one of getting another place to live.

RHW, I really don't think that he is seeing someone else, but I think he craves being cool and accepted and he came right out and said that the EA that happened last year was him fantasizing about a relationship with no baggage.

In my opinion, he puts WAY too much emphasis on sex. I know I can be a bit too reserved in that area, but at times I can break out of my shell, so he gets hung up on those certain times and expects it to then become routine. He TRULY DOES NOT get that I don't feel as "into it" when we've been fighting. He claims it's [censored] not about love, and references one-night-stands I had in high school/college before him. It does not affect me CONSCIOUSLY as in I think of cutting him off, but say, I'll stay up late to watch a favorite show, clean the kitchen or do emails, instead of attacking him in that perfect time right after kids are in bed, but before he needs to be asleep.

With all that said, I hugged him when he came home and I initiated "make up sex" It was fairly mechanical but he did tell me he loved me several times, which of course I told him back. (Again, before when I tried not saying ILY he get totally weirded out.)

I only orgasm from direct stimulation, not from just regular intercourse. He is on anti-d. meds that have caused him to have a more difficult time coming. That has been kind of a recent issue whereas he used to be self conscious that he would come too quickly, now it's like we're both ready for him to because we're getting tired or the kids are in the other room, etc.

Once after a few days of tension, an argument began shortly after he got home from work and from out of nowhere, he asked, in a disgusted voice, "When's the last time you came when we were [censored]?"

I would LIKE for our sex life to be better. I KNOW that it goes hand in hand with the emotions, etc., but he has brought it to a point of me feeling like he expects me to be a porn star and I better PERFORM and I don't like it. He thinks I'm simply not attraced to him, which isn't it, but a lot of negative emotions do go through my head throughout the day and while we're having sex because our relationship is so combative.

One other thing he said tonight that sticks out to me is "You could fix this so simply and you just refuse to." He is referring to me just being passionate with him. I have tried to point out that I pretty much did everything on the "list" of things he wanted me to do, have anal sex (I initiated it), shave (I did it as a surprise when we went to Vegas, but let it grow back somewhat afterwards), and I think the other thing was "just be into it" and did it make a difference?? Of course not! He complained then about something else, that it wasn't genuine enought, or I didn't do it often enough or long enought. I felt like he kept raising the bar to some degree. WHen I had recently given birth to our son a year and a half ago, we had sex before the 6 weeks were up. That was fine. He started entering me with his finger, then we had anal sex. Pretty soon, it became a mainstay of our sex and I don't really want it every single time.

I said I suck at making it short. I could go on forever...

Better go to sleep,

Thanks so much for your input. I'll start reading SSM tomorrow.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, hopefully the SSM book will help. I honestly have never read it, but did order it, then mom accidentally gave it to the library when she took a bunch of books back the other day so I had to order it again. Maybe it will help both of you in "getting into the other one's heads" as far as S goes and the difference in men & women. I don't know exactly b/c, like I said, I haven't read it yet.

I just don't know what to tell you. Like I said after you posted last time, it seems as if you are taking a lot of verbal abuse and I just cannot imagine how long you will be able to take that.

I agree it sounds like you have "bent over backwards" for him and I'm not sure how much more you can take, however, if you want to save your M, I guess you are just going to have to keep at it.

My other thought was that maybe it's going to have to be YOU that finally gets tough about D or leaving before he is going to say "oh, wait a minute" and maybe start working on himself and actually putting some effort into your M instead of just you trying to "fix" everything.

I don't know, girl, it just sounds like it truly sucks right now. I know you don't want a D and that's the last thing I want for you either, but I just am not understanding the way he is acting.

Also, as hard as it would be, I would try the 180 thing on the fighting/arguing. Try to just validate everything he says and go on w/ whatever you are doing. Don't ignore him or anything b/c then that would make him mad, however, don't buy into the argument. Try that for a week or so and see if you don't "participate" in the arguments what happens.

[MJontheMend]

I only orgasm from direct stimulation, not from just regular intercourse. He is on anti-d. meds that have caused him to have a more difficult time coming. That has been kind of a recent issue whereas he used to be self conscious that he would come too quickly, now it's like we're both ready for him to because we're getting tired or the kids are in the other room, etc.

Once after a few days of tension, an argument began shortly after he got home from work and from out of nowhere, he asked, in a disgusted voice, "When's the last time you came when we were [censored]?"

Hmmm....if a guy ever said that to me I would reply "When's the last time you came from having your buttocks massaged?" I think you ought to buy your H a copy of "She Comes First" and yourself a copy of "He Comes Next". Actually, besides a bit of the usual garden variety ignorance on the topic, I don't think sex is the real problem in your relationship. I have empathy for both you and your H since I was the HD spouse in my relationship but my 2bx verbally hassled me about "sexy" in the same way your H hassles you about "sex". You need to figure out your own sexual identity/preferences and assert it strongly (like by saying "Baby, if you want me to come strong and easy then play with my clit while you f*ck me."- of course, it would be nice if you smiled pleasantly when you said this and didn't verbalize the "duh" )and then you will be more comfortable adding a few doo-dads here and there to please your H. This is analogous to being a woman who is generally comfortable with her physical appearance/style and therefore is happy to wear the shiny red lipstick and football jerseys her current swain prefers- lol.

[RedHeadWife]

Oh and I just wanted to add that my H was on AD and it took longer for him too. During the whole D sitch, that made me feel really anxious and always wondering if something was "wrong." It's normal, but then when you add the stressors like you 2 are having, it's seems a bigger deal than it really is.