Jeff, I feel you on the birthday thing bud. I had mine on Thanksgiving day, double barrel smack down without your significant other. Good news is, tomorrow you will feel better.
Ian
I thought I should bring this over here...
You know what's coming, right?
From what I understand, you spent Thanksgiving and your birthday with family.
You had the kids with you; Carrie was gone.
She got you a gift from her, as well as a gift or gifts from the kids, before she left town.
I know of at least three people outside of your family who also acknowledged your birthday; their intent was to express to you, on your special day, how much they love you and care about you.
So........
Were you grateful for any of that? Did you contemplate the blessings inherent in that? Did you express your gratitude?
Or did you instead choose to be preoccupied with thoughts of what you don't have?
Cause if it was the latter, that would likely explain why something as wonderful as a birthday and Thanksgiving on the same day could end up feeling like a "double barrel smack down".
BA, I stared at my kids and my wonderful family that was there with me on that special day. I do recognize that I am far more blessed than many on that day.
Later that day Carrie and I spoke on the phone, got the happy birthday and the happy thanksgiving.
Hearing her voice, knowing she is 1400 miles away from me for the first time in 15 years. That is what made it crash down on me.
While I understand what you are saying, I am also self aware enough to realize that I missed her. That I truly missed having that crazy woman there on my birthday and Thanksgiving.
That every bit of detaching I have done, wasnt working in that moment and all I wanted was her.
That BA, is a double barrel smack down. Not only does it make you doubt yourself and all the progress you thought you made, but it also makes you damn sad because you have no control and simply have to let go.
For the first time in 15 years, I spent my birthday and Thanksgiving without my wife. Anyone who could do that and not feel some sadness in there day is just fooling themselves IMHO.
As I told Jeff, I was fine the next day, merely a slap of reality that I needed to feel and deal with.
So this is a two fold answer, I do appreciate all that I have and all that was given in my life on that special day. I also am not ashamed to admit that I hurt that day and spent some time reflecting and being sad that my wife was not there to hold.
I don't believe that we can truly grow unless we allow ourselves to feel those feelings and work through them. I do not consider hurting or sadness as a negative. I consider it growth and a sign that you are a decent, and caring person.
You are the elusive one these days Ian. How are you doing buddy?
I know, the Holidays, Birthdays or other significant dates can still bum me out at times. I don't necessarily miss mine as you miss yours, but I do miss the functioning "family unit". I miss being with my boys.
Hope it gets more settled for you in the future. There's always reason to believe this year (2008) will be better than the last.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
