Thanks for the input guys. I SUCK at being brief, but it's 3:30 in the am, so I'm going to give it a shot.
As for D'bing: A part of me felt it did not "apply" to us in that I did not get "ILYBINILWY". Our relationship has grown stale but PRIMARILY that is in his eyes. I see us as more "comfortable" and the fighting is too frequent. So, when I was on the board regularly, I applied what I considered to be divorce busting that was suited to US. I took his number one complaint at that time, we fought too much, and made sure we didn't fight. I acted as if and tried to show my love. He was weird about it at first, like when I went out of town and didn't call him much, was very short and chipper on phone calls, he thought I didn't care about him. That sort of backfired (being too busy). Also, I have being doing lots of remodeling around our house and staying up late to remove popcorn from the ceiling or paint cabinets and he TOTALLY RESENTS it, saying that I have more time for that than my husband. Anyway, when I did what I thought would work for us, bent over backwards and basically made our relationship my full-time job, things improved. When I thought we had reached an improved place and I laid off, things slowly went totally sour again.
I went out and bought Sex-Starved Marriage tonight. I also bought another one and when he came home tonight, I had them out on the bed. I told him that I would like us to individually read some out of them over the next few weeks and just try to be open minded, maybe then switch books. He said he would try and asked if they were geared to the man or the woman, and I said technically, I would say that they're geared more towards the woman, or perhaps to one spouse, but I think they were essentially couple's guides and we could benefit from them. He has thrown divorce out so much the last few days ("Then there you go, we're at an impasse, too much damage has been done, that's it!" or "I will live in a marriage of convenience until you go back to work, but after that, I can't do it anymore!") I told him I take it seriously and I agree that if we can't stop fighting and be happy, we should divorce, but we owe it to ourselves and our kids to at least invest in a $15 books and spend some time seeing if the advice helps at all. I said that was a lot cheaper than one of getting another place to live.
RHW, I really don't think that he is seeing someone else, but I think he craves being cool and accepted and he came right out and said that the EA that happened last year was him fantasizing about a relationship with no baggage.
In my opinion, he puts WAY too much emphasis on sex. I know I can be a bit too reserved in that area, but at times I can break out of my shell, so he gets hung up on those certain times and expects it to then become routine. He TRULY DOES NOT get that I don't feel as "into it" when we've been fighting. He claims it's [censored] not about love, and references one-night-stands I had in high school/college before him. It does not affect me CONSCIOUSLY as in I think of cutting him off, but say, I'll stay up late to watch a favorite show, clean the kitchen or do emails, instead of attacking him in that perfect time right after kids are in bed, but before he needs to be asleep.
With all that said, I hugged him when he came home and I initiated "make up sex" It was fairly mechanical but he did tell me he loved me several times, which of course I told him back. (Again, before when I tried not saying ILY he get totally weirded out.)
I only orgasm from direct stimulation, not from just regular intercourse. He is on anti-d. meds that have caused him to have a more difficult time coming. That has been kind of a recent issue whereas he used to be self conscious that he would come too quickly, now it's like we're both ready for him to because we're getting tired or the kids are in the other room, etc.
Once after a few days of tension, an argument began shortly after he got home from work and from out of nowhere, he asked, in a disgusted voice, "When's the last time you came when we were [censored]?"
I would LIKE for our sex life to be better. I KNOW that it goes hand in hand with the emotions, etc., but he has brought it to a point of me feeling like he expects me to be a porn star and I better PERFORM and I don't like it. He thinks I'm simply not attraced to him, which isn't it, but a lot of negative emotions do go through my head throughout the day and while we're having sex because our relationship is so combative.
One other thing he said tonight that sticks out to me is "You could fix this so simply and you just refuse to." He is referring to me just being passionate with him. I have tried to point out that I pretty much did everything on the "list" of things he wanted me to do, have anal sex (I initiated it), shave (I did it as a surprise when we went to Vegas, but let it grow back somewhat afterwards), and I think the other thing was "just be into it" and did it make a difference?? Of course not! He complained then about something else, that it wasn't genuine enought, or I didn't do it often enough or long enought. I felt like he kept raising the bar to some degree. WHen I had recently given birth to our son a year and a half ago, we had sex before the 6 weeks were up. That was fine. He started entering me with his finger, then we had anal sex. Pretty soon, it became a mainstay of our sex and I don't really want it every single time.
I said I suck at making it short. I could go on forever...
Better go to sleep,
Thanks so much for your input. I'll start reading SSM tomorrow.
