Hi Sandi, havn't been on for awhile, and am wondering how you are doing. Hope everything is ok. I read some of your latest posts and am sorry for the sitch that you are in. Unfortunately we men think that if something ain't broke, don't try to fix it. Now I am not saying that your H doesn't understand that something isn't broken, he just doesnt know how to fix it, b/c over most of your marriage, he did the same things he is doing now. We are creatures of habit, and very resistant to change, especially if someone else is trying to change us. I do think that we all can change if we have incentive to do so, so why not "go for broke" as far as what you need from your H. As Dom R has been saying, if you dont make the first move, your H probably will not. I am sorry to say that, but if he truly recognizes there is a problem, as he must have when he sent you flowers and such, he will want to do everything to make things better. Maybe I am thinking of myself and you know your H better than i do, but I just read and article in the USA today magazine from the sunday paper that men dont know what you want until you tell them. Women think that if a man truly cares, he shouldnt have to wait for you to tell him what you want. Kind of sounds like a broken record doesnt it? It all comes down to communication, and most of us do a lousy job at it. I have to go to work now, will try to post later. Take care.
Hi Sandi, hey havn't heard from you in a while, and I hope everything is ok. I have a major question to ask you. I know that you had said that your grown D was living with you at the time you were contacting OM and she found out what you were doing. I need to know how to answer my D as she has been asking questions lately as to why is mom acting this way, and whats wrong with mom. I am tired of lying and covering for my W, and I have been trying to shield my D and S from what is going on. They are both in college and know that something is wrong, and i am sure they will find out sooner or later. But what do I tell them? My W started making excuses as to not coming home for dinner on several nights this week, and she has been hanging out with her parents alot. They have said that they are supporting her 100%. My W has been letting notes on the tv in the kitchen saying she wont be home until late, and my D has really been wondering whats going on . Up until now i have just said that mom doesnt know what she wants and is struggling with the divorce. I am thinking at this point that the only way that my W will understand what she is doing is for something major to happen. Our pastor at church has been asking why sometimes we dont go to church together, and i am tired of lying to him. I am struggling with telling them the truth, or continue to say that she has a problem. Thanks for your help.
Stop lying to your children. Stop covering for your wife. Never stand between an infidel and the consequences of their own actions.
If people ask what is going on with your wife, tell them the truth. She is the liar, you are supposed to be the sane and honest one in the family. Your children, grown or not, need someone they can trust.
All cheaters lie, why in the world would you want to help someone else screw your wife by covering for her?
Exposing her fantasy is the first, best step toward getting it stopped.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
No, I don't guess I do DomR. I just feel kind of used up. In just a little over two weeks we will have been married for 42 years and he doesn't change....not in positive ways anyway. I sound like a broken record trying to explain, but he has always waited on me to "make" the marriage. I can't seem to get inspired or encouraged. Maybe I'm down b/c of the Fibromyalgia today......but I am about to give up. Not on life......but on us having a R as I used to hope that we would have. Especially, if I can't have any feelings toward him. I'm not good a faking feelings and he knows me too well. Besides, I tried that too many times where sex was concerned and it would end badly.
I want you to know that I have appreciated you trying your best to keep me encouraged. I know you have just run out of things to say to me and I certainly don't blame anyone for that. But, I don't have the energy to do what I used to and I need for him to put forth some effort into the MR but I think he is "comfortable" where we are and isn't going to try any harder than what he is doing right now. We seem to act like other "old couples" I always said I would never be like. I hate it, but I don't have anything stirring inside to urge me on.
I gave up three jobs at church last week and after Christmas, I will probably give up another one. I used to be able to throw myself into my church work when I didn't receive the emotional fulfillment from my MR, but I can't hold out to do that anymore, so I finally gave it up. I am so sad today b/c I should have been there decorating for tomorrow's Thanksgiving dinner, but I wasn't able. I don't feel like cooking and I won't know until in the morning if I will even be able to attend services. I shouldn't try to write when I'm this down.....sorry. You have been a good friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
At the time my grown D was with us, she was recovering from surgery. It was kind of stressful for all of us during that time. We live in a very small house and during the time she was here, her grown son also came back to live with us. Long story. Anyway, what I didn't know for a long time was that she has found information that pretty much told her everything that was going on, so I was glad that I had not told her a bunch of lies. I did have an EA, but I did not lie to my H nor to my children. I did tell her that her dad and I were having problems and that he found some IM that I had been sending a man.
The more cover up or lies that goes on, the worse it will be in the end when it all comes out. As bad as I was humiliated by the knowledge my D had read my personal messages, I was glad that at least I had not lied about anything. Of course, I am glad, also, that she did not come out and ask me about OM before then or I don't know what I would have done......I probably would have told her, b/c I told my GS that my H found IM text on the computer to OM I wrote. But, she did not ask, she just told me she knew.
If I were you and my D asked about her mom, I would be honest and tell her that there are problems, but that her mom should be the one to tell her what she is doing. If she insists on you telling her, just calmly say that you had really rather her mom tell her b/c it is her mother's choices that has caused the problems. Then the W can't get mad at you or accuse you of turning the kids against her, etc. However, if the W should lie about it.....then I would spill my guts! The kids have a right to know what is happening if there is going to be a divorce. Be a gentleman by giving your wife a chance to talk to the daughter, but if she doesn't come clean.....then tell it. You owe your kids the truth, if the mom doesn't give it. But, don't cover up her behind any longer. She doesn't deserve to have you cover for her and it will only make a liar out of you and lose your D's repect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I have been really struggling with what I should do. I told my D that mom was having problems about what she is doing and struggling with the divorce. I told her that the next time they go shopping she should ask her mom what's wrong and that she is acting very strange. Knowing my W, she wont tell my D anything, as she is still in the denial stage. My question is, if W doesnt tell D anything, should I be the one to tell her if she comes to me and asks? My W has denied the A since I found out, and she says he is just a friend who has gone through this before and is helping her. Over the last week and a half, my W has now been just leaving the house without telling anyone, and my D is noticing. At this point I dont care what my W does, but my D comes to me to ask where mom is going. I just tell her that mom has a problem and she doesnt tell me anything anymore. She has been spending long hours at work, and in fact wanted to bitch at me late friday afternoon, b/c I couldnt take my D to pick her car up at the garage. I was going to a football playoff game with my S, and I wasnt going to change those plans. S is home for thanksgiving now, and hasnt come home either friday nite or saturday nite. He has been staying at a friends house. He knows that I have been sleeping in his room, and on friday nite he said that he wasnt coming home and I could sleep in his room. I did, but last nite I pulled out the sofa bed downstairs. I am going to have to maybe find an air mattress or something else to sleep on b/c the sofa bed doesnt do anything for me. Last nite my D and boyfriend, and W went for dinner, and I was suprised how chatty and interested my W was in everything that was going on. Over the last few weekends, my W has been making other plans, and I was floored when she went with us last nite. She was talking this morning, sunday, about putting a roast in the oven when she got home from church. She hasnt cooked anything for the last 3 or 4 weeks. She is still going to church without me, and I am just so confused at this point as to what is going on. One week she is very miserable and moody and doing her own thing, then all of a sudden she is chatty and seems to want to talk to me. I dont know how long I can ride this rollercoaster. I am at the point that I cant stand being in the same room as my W. I cant stand to look at her when she talks. She was talking to me at home after we got home last nite, and it was all I could do to look at her and acknowledge her. The holidays are coming and I am not looking forward to doing anything. I usually take some vacation days over this time, but I dont want to be home when W is there. Was reading the MLC for dummies on the mlc thread yesterday, and my W is doing about 3/4 of what is on there. Just one day at a time I guess. Going to church soon, will have to pray for guidance, as I dont think I have any right now. Talk to you soon. Take care.
ScottyMack, I know this is pure hell for you now with the kids home and the holidays coming. Your kids do know about the divorce, right? If your D continues to asks you questions, then that means she is not getting anywhere with her mom or else doesn't believe what she is being told. Apparently, she feels that you will be more up front with her. You have tried to gentle tell her that her mom has problems, so now may be the time to tell her things are not looking good and that you don't know what to do or how to help her mom b/c she continues to play the denial role. You may even have to tell her about OM. She is wanting the truth and is going to be very upset at both of her parents for keeping her in the dark about this, so you may have to be the one to break it to her. I'm sure her mom doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy and may be tempted to put you in a bad light, so in the long run, it may be just as well that you try to break the news to D. Just be careful about how you talk about her mother. The D will probably be angry with her mother. Allow her that anger, and don't try to take up for your wife or cover up for her anymore. Just don't say anything nasty about her.....I know you wouldn't, but somethimes the tempatation may be strong to do so. The son may not ask questions, b/c he may not want to know. Even though he knows you are sleeping in his room.....somethimes boys just don't want to know those personal things about their parents. It depends on the individual of course. But, he needs to be prepared.
Your wife's actions about being chatty and the cooking, etc. was probably just a "mood" that she was in at the time. I wouldn't place too much importance on it b/c it won't last. I can only imagine what a rollercoaster ride it is for you. Never knowing what to expect is hard on the nerves. Also living a falsehood is hard on the nerves, so the sooner all of this comes out and is over, the better on everyone concerned.
I think her going to church and pretending everything is still ok at home is part of that role also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, my kids do know about the D, however at this point I think my D20 only knows what her mom told her a few months ago when she originally filed. My W told her that dad and I are getting a divorce. As far as I know she hasnt told her any other details, and even when she dropped the bomb on the kids, she didnt let them ask questions. I have been to lunch several times with my D since then, and she does not seem to know any more than that. I have told both my kids that we both love them, and no matter what happens, that wont change. My S18 and I had a conversation about this back in August, right before he left for college. We were at my IL's for sunday dinner, and when we were leaving, I asked my W when we were going to tell the kids and the family. She told me that she already told them. I hit the roof. I said, how dare you tell OUR kids about this, especially something that will affect their lives also, and not involve me? I screamed at her the whole way home. I left her out at the house and had to drive around for awhile to cool off. My S then called me and wanted to know when i was coming home. I came home a few minutes later to find my W sitting at that damn computer and my S in his room. I asked my W if she wanted to come upstairs with me to talk, and she said no. So I filled in my S on the sitch. He knows all that is in the D petition, and has asked how mom can claim that she has no financial means of support if she makes more than me. Smart kid, he is studying psychology at school, and he also said that mom is acting on emotion and not being rational. Wow, out of the mouths of babes! I went to church this morning and a dear friend came up to me and gave me a hug and said how sorry she was for me. She cant believe what is happening to us. She said that over the last 20 years, she was always so proud to see us with our kids being so involved in church. I told her the truth, that I want to save this M, that the wife wants someone else, and that she is in some kind of MLC. I have read some other posts about the retrouvaille program, and in the church bulletin this morning, a local program is going to happen in mid January. I am going to approach my W this week about going, if just to learn to communicate. If she refuses, then I am going to call a family meeting, and I am going to spill the beans. I have put up enough with her BS, and I am tired and burned out. I am the typical male, who backs up to keep the peace, but I am going to have to stand up for the family soon. Thanks for your concern.
No, I don't guess I do DomR. I just feel kind of used up. In just a little over two weeks we will have been married for 42 years and he doesn't change....not in positive ways anyway. I sound like a broken record trying to explain, but he has always waited on me to "make" the marriage. I can't seem to get inspired or encouraged. Maybe I'm down b/c of the Fibromyalgia today......but I am about to give up.
I'm sorry to hear that, Sandi.
I'm also... puzzled.
Last I recall... things started to go really well for you. You were trying lots of "new" things... cooking.. other stuff... and your H was responding on some level. you two were being more low-level affectionate.....
and then you stopped writing, about two weeks ago.
what happened? what changed?
I wish you had written more about it, when it actually changed. It is probably very difficult to accurately remember what changed first, from 2 weeks ago. These sort of mood changes, are usually triggered by something very small, on EITHER side.
Just like POSITIVE things, can be snowballed by a small change on one side.. NEGATIVE things, can also snowball in the same way.
It is really useful to be able to think back, and identify the potential "small" negative thing, that eventually added up to a seemingly larger thing.
Quote:
I know you have just run out of things to say to me and I certainly don't blame anyone for that.
nope. I just need to keep hearing back from you, to say more
SO... what has actually been happening, since back when you were writing happy things about your marriage? Last I recall, the biggest guesture from him, was a misguided attempt at cheering you up by sending you flowers. It unfortunately had a bad side effect [allergies]... but after years of nothing.. i think that counts as a really positive effort. "'A' for effort", if not for actual results ?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Something to think about, that hopefully will encourage you to write more:
big holidays often depress people who are going through troubling times. I think that the Thanksgiving holiday, is being a big "downer" on you, particularly because of your now stymied desire to help more in Church.
You dont have to let that "down" feeling in that area, dominate the rest of your life, though.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
