Yes, he is an ass. But he so wants to be a part of the kids' lives...I didn't make him go; actually was surprised that he insisted on going. He is also their parent--I can't keep him from going (but the FC might ask him to stay home, I would think, if she saw it being better for S). S has next appt tomorrow. I haven't gotten any word from H if he plans on being there or not. I know that FC was going to call H re: being worried--I have no idea how that convo went. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Got the kids back today at 7; usual time. It felt good to have them home, come and cuddle with me, tell me about their weekend. They worked on H's sister's house (electrical), then stayed over at his brother's. Today, they went to his grandparents' house (where H has also been doing work on support beams in the crawl space). He had them back to his apt by 3:30. I know that he has been having a lot of trouble with his neck/arm/back, enough that he actually went to the doctor and is following up with a specialist--he stubbornly does not like doctors. I've had a proud moment in not trying to help or fix that problem for him (it was one of the ways I cared/showed love in the past, but was also co-dependent). A little bit hard to stand back, but I don't see it and he doesn't bring it up so I don't ask (I only know about the issue because the dr called here with test results last week).
I'm struck at how eager he has been to jump in and physically help everyone in the family-something that he complained to me about, that they only called him when they needed something from him (then said I was the worst offender!)-and here he is, traveling nearly 100 miles round trip a few times a week to work on their houses. Maybe he has found his way of restoring the "face" that he lost with them. I'm just happy to step back from it all.
I am so glad that he is working as hard as he can to try to keep up a relationship with the kids, even if his choices have limited how much time he is with them. But it is bittersweet...am I even a little jealous that his love for them has held true? There is a part of me that still remembers...remembers being a whole family.
but I know where he is now, and it is not the person who I want to be with. But I look at them, remember the happy times, and I miss it.......
All this back and forth emotion, but not devestation, not overwhelming, not driving me with little self-control to go to the phone.....the person I want is not there. He is there for everyone else, but not for me anymore.* ___________________
So, instead, I went out on two dates this weekend. I met up with a gentleman from Queens at the MET to see the Rembrandt show. He was an hour late (wrong train or something). I waited in the lobby for 1/2 hour, then called and left a message for him that I wasn't waiting anymore and he could find me in the galleries if he wanted. He eventually showed up and was very apologetic. We had some nice conversation and it was pleasant enough...dutch for dinner, then walked around a bit, stopped for some dessert in a diner. We had to take the same subway back downtown and he kissed me goodnight (a peck on the lips). He is way more into me than I am into him. Could be a friend, but I have to tell him that right away cause I don't want to hurt people. No spark.
I liked the guy today more--I was more attracted to him. Again, good conversation. He was on time meeting for breakfast. We were going to ride at the BMX track, but he couldn't get his bike out of his brother's garage (?)--I think he thought I wasn't going to bring my son's to try!! I showed him the local track, and he said he'd bring 2 bikes down next time, maybe next weekend. Then we walked around the local mall, looking for ideas for XMas. I'm reluctant to buy anything with the financials due to the Ls 12/5 (do I spend now or after? I'll have to email her and ask...). No kiss bye from him, which was too bad, but he said he'd call later in the week. It'd be nice, but I won't cry if he doesn't. Is that detachment ;0)
If nothing else, I had some fun, got out of the house, found I wasn't a troll who would die all alone...I didn't feel guilt about any of it, but there was no leap in happiness, either. Very much in my own head through it all, and that's ok, I think, because that is where I still need to spend my time.
IC told me this past week that she could understand me trying this out, but that it was developmentally important to be a "woman on her own" for a while. I think she was worried that I would latch onto the first available guy who even looked at me--so very far from the case. I wonder if anyone will ever be able to match up to what I had for so long....with him not talking to me about frustrations and resentments, I lived in a fantasy world for a very long time. What human, in-touch man would ever be able to authentically match what I had in my head and heart? It was all a fairytale.
I know that we have to grow into being happy on our own. Every other part of my life is going so well, including the new self-discovery and growth. But I am lonely for a companion, someone to share it with. Even the physical things...I miss holding hands, I miss being physically intimate...
I seem to be rambling so I will stop. I recognize that my life is not anywhere near miserable or empty because I don't have a man...but I do miss it, and I can't pretend that I don't. Along with all this focus on me, I see where it really felt good to have that special someone to enjoy the ride with. I don't know anyone who wishes to be alone; but it is a preference, now, not a compulsion, to be in a relationship.
*ow. ouch. I went back to edit and added that last piece. I just had that flash of realization. Now, it may very well be just his play-acting and manipulation to get back in the family's (and society's) good graces, but he really is trying so hard to be the good man I always knew and loved--just not to me anymore. Because he doesn't love or want me anymore. And that still hurts. I feel like he will make amends to everyone else except me, and they will all forget what he did, and love him...and they'll all look at me and wonder why I can't be friends with such a good guy (sh!t, now I have more work to do. well, guess I will be forever saying that...) Would somebody help me find a pair of bolt-cutters, already?!
Whatever. I'm going to bed. Hope all of you, my friends, had a good weekend and were kind to yourselves. I'm certainly trying to be.
