Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Hi all. I have finally been locked. A link to my first thread can be found in the signature area below.

I've been doing a lot recently in order to really dig into the heart of the matter here. I have had a lot of support from friends I've met on this site as well as others I have been directed to. Thank you to everyone who has helped so far.

In the very beginning, when I first suspected the EA, my wife told me that I had nothing to worry about regarding "HIM" but that there were issues between us that needed attention. MCC is complacent, MCC's W is bored, MCC is not attractive, MCC's W feels stuck, etc.

I spent a lot of time over these past couple of months trying to point out why these issues had been caused by my wife's inability to communicate, leading to my inability to understand what she needs. Last night I had an epiphany. Our situation is due to my wife simply being bored.

This does not excuse the EA but explains why it was made possible. When she first told me that she was bored, I barely took notice. Being bored is so much easier to understand than the intricacies of love and attraction and infidelity. Boredom is something that EVERYONE understands and has been through and it can be countered very easily.

Boy was I wrong to ignore this. I remember what I was like when we first met 20 years ago (I was 18, she was 17). I was a hell of a lot more fun and cocky and much more of a leader than I am now. I remember what I was like but I do NOT remember how to be that person.

In order to be that person I simply have to be myself. I know it's still there, I just need to let it surface. For some reason, and it will probably be important to find out what that reason is/was, I let that 18 year old attitude be replaced almost COMPLETELY by a far-too-serious responsible adult.

I let the fun take a backseat to taking care of business. During this past summer, when things seemed so perfect between my wife and I, was probably a last ditch effort made by her to break the cycle of boredom. We had fun. We had excitement. We didn't have any communication regarding the fact that this increase in fun and excitement was a test. And I tell you, honestly, I failed that test (not blaming myself completely on this!!!)

Because once the temporary fix of the new fun and excitement wore off, where was I? I was back to being a 38 year Project Manager with 3 kids, a mortgage, unexpected expenses, etc. This is where she was trying to hold on to me and our marriage.

Please believe me when I say this is not me beating on myself. It is me stating that I have come to a realization and, quite frankly, some relief in really understanding my wife and her actions.

I know what I need to accomplish here and am looking for ways to do just that. The part that really shocked me with this conclusion is the fact that until it hit me finally, I didn't even notice it was missing.

I have a lot of thinking ahead of me. Thanks to suggestions from others, I also have a lot of reading.