GL2U bhopeful...sounds like you will do just fine. Validate, listen, and listen some more. Try to empathize with her...don't solve her problems...just listen...show her you care...You'll be fine.
Now, I don't think I can wait until August to set-up this same B-day dinner date thingy. LMAO. Perhaps, I can try for dating anniversary...highly doubtful...Hard as heck to not call...
So I think that I set my expectations way to high for this visit. She just left and I feel completely down right now. There was no R talk or anything like what we had last night. There were some positives and I definitely kept my cool though. I wasn't as charming or whatever as I probably should have been, but I wasn't mean or controlling either. I guess I acted like I would with any other friend that stopped over to watch TV. Inside I was dying though to have her on the couch with me but not really WITH me. I wanted to pull her over and hold her like there was no tomorrow, but I settled for the fact that she let her feet touch me. It was so hard watching her drive away. I wanted to stand in the driveway and wave, but I turned my back and came in the house. She did give me a hug and thanked me a couple times for letting her come see the dogs (even though they were outside most of the time). When she was saying goodbye to them, she told them that she would see them again soon. I'm probably reading way to much into everything. When she said that she should probably get going, I said "so soon?". To which she told me that she had to get some groceries and that her parents wanted her to stop over tonight too. I think that she would have spent more time here if she could have. She originally wanted to come over at 2, but I told her that I would still be busy working on the yard so we settled on 4.
Overall, I think that this was a positive time and I think that she'll want to do it again. My new goal is to make sure that if she ever does want to do it again that I need to make it as comfortable and pressure free environment as I possibly can. Also, I need to work on detaching more. I think that if I was more detached than I wouldn't have had such high expectations. I wish this crap was all over with. I feel like my life has become a game of chess and I have no idea what her next move is going to be. I can't even see the board, so I have to assume that every move that I make may result in checkmate. What a grand life I lead...
B
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
I had a friend tell me, when I was playing chess, that I am doing just that...trying to determine my next move. We cannot do this because it is simply their move. Honestly, I feel like we are hardly apart of the game. We are almost the observer. We need to listen and enjoy the time we have. Otherwise, we will get too disappointed with their next move.
A preacher of mine told me that I my puzzle of life had just been messed up and I was trying to put the pieces back together. I was thinking..yeah exactly..how do I do it. And he said, "you have it all wrong." I was thinking what are you talking about. The Lord will put it together. We have no control over this situation. Whether you believe or not...our spouses have all the control over their feelings and what they want to do. All we can do is be ready. Very easy to say...hard as heck to do. GL
Thanks jmw. I know that in my head, but my heart wants what it wants. I do trust in the Lord and He has done many things in my life recently. I know that everything will come to pass as it's supposed to. Love is patient, love is kind. I also know in my heart that she's not ready to come back. I know that she's not even ready to read the DR book. Time is my friend here, but so often it feels like my enemy. There's so many conflicting emotions that sometimes I don't feel like I fit together.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
This will be the first time that she has been at the house in six weeks and the first time that we've been here together since she left.
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There were some positives and I definitely kept my cool though.
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but I settled for the fact that she let her feet touch me.
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She did give me a hug and thanked me a couple times for letting her come see the dogs (even though they were outside most of the time). When she was saying goodbye to them, she told them that she would see them again soon.
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I think that she would have spent more time here if she could have. She originally wanted to come over at 2,
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Overall, I think that this was a positive time and I think that she'll want to do it again.
6 positive things!!! And I wasn't even there! Remember...think small. I think you were probably as detatched as you needed to be in front of her. It's inside that you're all torn up and that sounds normal to me. I would give anything for even one of the 6 things you listed above right now and you probably would have too just a few weeks ago. Don't get too down, so you set your expectations high this time...next time set some smaller goals and keep banking these little positives. They all add up. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Jenny, thanks for all the input today. If you've been reading my thread, you can probably tell that I have trouble seeing the small victories. I really appreciate the reminders.
This weekend has actually been pretty amazing as far as how much interaction we've had. She pretty much wore a path coming in and out of her castle to check out my picnic. She's called me twice tonight since she left. The first time was to say thank you again for letting her come over. The second time, well, I don't know what she wanted. It seemed pretty random, but maybe that's because she woke me up. All I can say to you is to hang in there. I didn't really see anything positive happen for quite a while, then all of a sudden this weekend happened. The DB principles do work. You just need to stick with them.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Oh yeah, I also forgot that she gave me the money that she owed me for the bills that I covered for her. I see this as a positive since it's been a bit of a sore spot for me.
Me: 29 W: 28 T: 10 M: 7 No kids 2 Dogs and 1 Cat With Parents: 09/16/07 Apartment: 10/13/07 Back Home: ~2/16/2008
Well, I would say your weekend was just as positive as mine! I think you did extremely well! And even thought you felt really down that last night, you still didn't let it show! I am proud of your progress. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to walk over to H, hug him and kiss him and well, other things, but I didn't. I practiced that self-control, but it was H-A-R-D. Very. This is their journey to walk through, we can just be there to provide the support and love.
My H has thanked me several times for not giving up on him when he thinks I should because of the terrible things he feels he has done to me. He even said he was sorry for not being there for me all those years ago too! That in itself was a remarkable and empowering thing to hear.
As Jenny pointed out there were many many positives in the nights you had together. She is seeing the you she loved before and the new you you have become. You will still feel up and down a lot, but that is a sign of progress. Keep up the great work and keep smelling good and looking nice!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
It was so hard watching her drive away. I wanted to stand in the driveway and wave, but I turned my back and came in the house. She did give me a hug and thanked me a couple times for letting her come see the dogs (even though they were outside most of the time). When she was saying goodbye to them, she told them that she would see them again soon. I'm probably reading way to much into everything. When she said that she should probably get going, I said "so soon?". To which she told me that she had to get some groceries and that her parents wanted her to stop over tonight too. I think that she would have spent more time here if she could have. She originally wanted to come over at 2, but I told her that I would still be busy working on the yard so we settled on 4.