Does anyone else have this problem?

[missmyfriend]

I am becoming increasingly concerned, from what I read from others, that after 2 years I STILL don't know what was wrong with my marriage. All my h can say is that he isn't physically attracted to me any more [despite an active intimate life right up until the bomb]. He can't explain why . . . nor does he see that it is a problem. As far as he is concerned, when we last spoke, it is absolutely fine to leave a long marriage, if you find yourself more attracted to someone else.

I have tried to fix the things that I need to fix, but I can't fix my lack of attraction - I am slender, well groomed, and men find me attractive. He can't tell me what it is about me that doesn't attract him, and denies that he used to find me irresistable [which is true]...Any thoughts?

angelica, I have quite a few thoughts about this. As a man, my perspective may help as far as attraction to a spouse or a woman in general.

A man finds a woman attractive if she meets certain criteria that reflects his specific ideal. That is why Angelina Jolie may be sexy to one guy while Renee Zellweger is the one for someone else. When a man sees a woman in a bar or at work or anywhere else, he may find her attractive while other guys just don't get it. It is all visual for a guy initially and even then it is in reference to an impression of other woman in his life since he was a little boy.

The shallowness of what attracts a man to a woman changes when he begins to share a life, full of memories with his wife. In a healthy male, his wife can be dressed in sweats with no makeup, looking completely worn out after being up all night dealing with kids and find her beautiful. As time marches on and they find themselves in middle age and she now sports crows feet and is battling gray hair, the memories they shared makes her very attractive. The thought of her alone can make him rather randy. It is why you can see an elderly gentleman looking at his equally elderly wife and he is chasing her around the house, although a little more slowly than when they were younger.

Angelica, for me, my wife, who was really, really skinny when we dated, started putting on weight that was not flattering in the past couple of years. She was actually aggravated with me because she still got to me. I will admit that my preferences are woman that are rather fit but with the curves in the right places but my wife really got to me. Even with her being about 60 - 80 pounds overweight and not taking care of herself, I was attracted to her. She could not understand that. I was surprised myself but realized it had to do with the fact that I love her, she is my best friend and the mother of my three children.

Your H and my W are not healthy, mentally. Many people would probably argue with me but MLC is an illness. It isn't that you are not attractive and that he is not attracted to you. He has to make you unappealing in his mind to justify what he is doing. What he is probably saying is that he feels unworthy of you so he is looking to make you feel as bad as he does. And by telling you that you are not attractive to him, will make you resent him and not want to be with him any longer since he believes everyone is shallow like he is.

These people are "sick". The words they spew is inconsiderate, juvenile and just wrong. They are immature emotionally and lack the character or strength to question their beliefs and motives.

Ask yourself this Angelica. Why would your H say that you are not attractive to him? He has to have a motive although it is twisted. Who is he trying to convince? You or himself?

Angelica, this man will not be able to lie to himself indefinitely and when he realizes what he is throwing away, he will have huge regrets.