I was just reading through your thread, and all that you are exploring and wondering echoes through my head all the time.
I move between deciding I will just wait it all out until I can afford and we can afford to divorce to crying over a song on the radio and wishing H would just come home. I know that he won't, I know that his MLC is not just MLC - it's a crisis that has happened at midlife and involves so many things, and all of that means the chances of him returning are so small.
My IC and friends all think I'm too easy on my H - that I need to call him on his selfishness and "childishness". What you are saying here about seeing your h's negative and selfish side suggests that you are doing better than me at being able to see your h as he is - not as you want or as you might excuse. I keep thinking that until I can see my H as he is and not as I think, we can not rebuild or recreate anything even if he does want to come home - no matter how much I want.
I am like you in that I don't believe in divorce, and I think about the vows we made ... we actually said "all that I am, and all that I am to become, I give to you" which all rings ironic right now. A wise friend of mine, though, who is herself a minister, said to me that my H and I fulfilled those vows long ago - that there is no shame or wrong in this ending, especially if the most loving thing to do is to respect my H's wishes and let my H go.
All that said, I have no idea how I'm going to get through the decorating of this holiday season - I'm so close to not decorating - and though the roller coaster is no where as wild as it once was, it still runs more reliably than I'd like. I give thanks that I have GAL, though, and I know that whatever comes, I can get through it, even if that includes a number of tears in the process.
Just adding some thoughts and my support to you here.
