Snodderly - my mother had a stroke at 90 and made a full recovery,living another very active 3 years. But our parents at that age are frail, and every day is a blessing. The clarity of mind is a great blessing.
My lovely father developed Alzheimers and died many years ago. His death was mercifully quick, but to all of you with parents - make the most of it, because you won't always have them - even when they are iritating. I miss mine so much, although I am glad they were spared the pain of seeing their much loved son-in-law behave like this.
My MIL admits she wasn't a perfect mother - but in my h's case my late FIL was the real problem. MIL was a lot younger and a pattern of bullying of her and the kids was established early in the marriage. It was a lot harder for women then to leave, and also she did love him . . . But I know she regrets it now. Sadly they aren't a family that talk about anything that matters.
A Hi I have spent many hours thinking about where my M went wrong and I do see areas where I was too busy with the kids I took H for granted and H was always working..It did get boring..but I always felt he loved me and still feel it.. I think our M needed a jolt like this unfortunely..But I know if we ever reconciled our M would be much better.. Good for me to read that other M, many better ones didnt last thru MLC this would signify it wasnt us or Me it is the crises
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace - I am glad that this has helped you too. I feel better about myself - thanks to all who posted. I think I have been told so many lies and half truths about myself by my h that I have trouble knowing which way is up!
So sad and yet strange to read your post. I feel the same way. So many of my friends thought we had a wonderful marriage all these years. As did I and my son. Now, many friends have been won over to the "he must have been unhappy" point of view, as they do not want to loose his friendship. They don't actually blame me, but it is as if I should have known, even though he NEVER acted unhappy or voiced any unhappiness with me or our marriage.
Well, one thing I have learned and wonder if it may be true for others. I am someone who did too much of the work and let my H have a free ride. Perhaps that is why he feels it is okay to do what he is doing. In my marriage I put up with a lot of bad behavior. It only got worse. He is also people pleaser. So rather than be honest, he hid a lot and wore a happy face. The perfect set up for an affair. Though some part of me sees this as sudden, as a line was crossed, another part of me sees that the seeds go way back.
I am becoming increasingly concerned, from what I read from others, that after 2 years I STILL don't know what was wrong with my marriage. All my h can say is that he isn't physically attracted to me any more [despite an active intimate life right up until the bomb]. He can't explain why . . . nor does he see that it is a problem. As far as he is concerned, when we last spoke, it is absolutely fine to leave a long marriage, if you find yourself more attracted to someone else.
I have tried to fix the things that I need to fix, but I can't fix my lack of attraction - I am slender, well groomed, and men find me attractive. He can't tell me what it is about me that doesn't attract him, and denies that he used to find me irresistable [which is true]...Any thoughts?
angelica, I have quite a few thoughts about this. As a man, my perspective may help as far as attraction to a spouse or a woman in general.
A man finds a woman attractive if she meets certain criteria that reflects his specific ideal. That is why Angelina Jolie may be sexy to one guy while Renee Zellweger is the one for someone else. When a man sees a woman in a bar or at work or anywhere else, he may find her attractive while other guys just don't get it. It is all visual for a guy initially and even then it is in reference to an impression of other woman in his life since he was a little boy.
The shallowness of what attracts a man to a woman changes when he begins to share a life, full of memories with his wife. In a healthy male, his wife can be dressed in sweats with no makeup, looking completely worn out after being up all night dealing with kids and find her beautiful. As time marches on and they find themselves in middle age and she now sports crows feet and is battling gray hair, the memories they shared makes her very attractive. The thought of her alone can make him rather randy. It is why you can see an elderly gentleman looking at his equally elderly wife and he is chasing her around the house, although a little more slowly than when they were younger.
Angelica, for me, my wife, who was really, really skinny when we dated, started putting on weight that was not flattering in the past couple of years. She was actually aggravated with me because she still got to me. I will admit that my preferences are woman that are rather fit but with the curves in the right places but my wife really got to me. Even with her being about 60 - 80 pounds overweight and not taking care of herself, I was attracted to her. She could not understand that. I was surprised myself but realized it had to do with the fact that I love her, she is my best friend and the mother of my three children.
Your H and my W are not healthy, mentally. Many people would probably argue with me but MLC is an illness. It isn't that you are not attractive and that he is not attracted to you. He has to make you unappealing in his mind to justify what he is doing. What he is probably saying is that he feels unworthy of you so he is looking to make you feel as bad as he does. And by telling you that you are not attractive to him, will make you resent him and not want to be with him any longer since he believes everyone is shallow like he is.
These people are "sick". The words they spew is inconsiderate, juvenile and just wrong. They are immature emotionally and lack the character or strength to question their beliefs and motives.
Ask yourself this Angelica. Why would your H say that you are not attractive to him? He has to have a motive although it is twisted. Who is he trying to convince? You or himself?
Angelica, this man will not be able to lie to himself indefinitely and when he realizes what he is throwing away, he will have huge regrets.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Hi Angelica- It seems like the reason so many of us are here is because we had good marriages and it makes no sense why they are in the state that they are in. My H and I had a really good (not perfect) M. He adored me and would have done anything for me...I know did take him for granted sometimes and I expected to get my way most of the time. My H did start to change prior to the bomb...he became irritable and angry but I never foresaw what was about to happen.
I have many moments of questioning why I am here...why I don't just close this chapter of my life? I believe the reason why we continue to stand is because we are stronger and more committed than most. We did marry for better or worse, in sickness and in health. If our spouses ever come to their senses (become healthy) and see the amount of love and courage it took for us to stand under these very painful circumstances, they could not help but love us in return.
Your posts on this board are always so thought provoking and inspirational...thank you...you help so many of us here.
Real love is much more than "in love". Being "in love" feels wonderful because they are biochemical reactions. These are replaced by real emotions that are developed over years of being together. This can be overwhelming for some people especially those that are not emotionally healthy like our spouses. Typically something happened to them, usually during the formative years that stunted this emotional growth. Physical or emotional abuse or lack of love (same thing), cause long term implications when the abused never deals with these issues. Unresolved problems such as these come to the surface when they feel life has passed them by. This happens in certain periods of life. In the case of our spouses, it is usually a MLC. My W, I believe, experienced a QLC during college. Unfortunately she never completed the journey and shoved it back down only to have it come up again in her late 30s.
None of this makes sense to us. All we can do is love them without any pressure at all. Treat them like the sick people they are. Let them admit when they have a problem, just like addicts and alcoholics. They have to hit bottom first.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Missmyfriend [and others] thank you for your two post. Oddly enough I was thinking about WHY my h had to keep on and on saying that he didn't find me attractive. I mean, if I don't find someone attractive I don't say it to them. It isn't as if I were constantly propositioning him. It is like a mantra to him.
So he is either trying to hurt me, or convince himself, or both. And yes, I did gently point out to him that there is rather more to marriage than sex. A couple that I am very fond of can no longer have an intimate life. They know me well enough to tell me. It is a source of great sadness to them, but the partner who still 'can' would no more think of going off than flying to the moon.
And yes, I know there is something seriously wrong by the way that he treats his children. If he was fine with them, I wold have more doubts, but he isn't.
I think that his stable and happy family life kept my h going, until the emotional issues he had never dealt with from his childhood and adolescence couldn't be suppressed any longer.
My H talked about sex as being the big (and only) reason for his affair. How great the sex was, the chemistry, and how monogamy was a concession. WOW, it killed me. We also had a good sex life, so I thought. He made it clear that I was no longer attractive to him or at least not in the way the OW was. That was 6 months ago.
This week he said three things to me that turned my head. The first was he admitted that the monogamy statement was a half truth. Big step for him. He is still fighting that battle in his head, but I have come to realize it has nothing to do with me. The second confession he made to me was that he felt unattractive and old. The fact that some other women would be attracted to him (other than me) made him feel he still had what it takes. The third big shocker was, after months of hearing how he was not attracted to me, he admitted yesterday that in fact he was.
He has also started to talk about his need to "grow up". So maybe it just takes time for them to get it?
