Your story's similarity to mine helps give me some hope or support to hold on. My H's childhood wasn't quite as toxic as your h's - at least, not from what is consciously known - but the assertion that there was no need to remember or worry was there all along. How much I wish it felt satisfying even a little bit to say "I knew it!" ... but it only makes me feel sad.
I know that if we really do go our separate ways - that if H just does not ever want to come back and repair or try again - I will not jump into anything new. At the same time, I keep thinking that if I can let go of the tendencies that I have had to lose boundaries and try to save everyone, I will be in a better place for either my h to return to or for me to find someone who I can build a positive life with.
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I have maintained my positive changes...occasionally I slip...sometimes he points it out to me...other times I catch myself and apologize for my actions/reactions...
That's what I hope for ... that's what I try to know can happen if I can give H his space to work on what he needs ...
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It is a long process to rebuild...it is hard work...but I can say I am happy to be where I am today and H says he is happy to be here is well...
I admire you both! I hope you have a great vacation and a happy thanksgiving.
