I can't honestly say that it's the cancer, or the chemo that is making me feel this way because it goes back so much farther than that. Maybe the situation with the cancer is pushing the feelings more to the surface, but they've always been there.
It just really scares me that IF they were NOT in my life and I came down with this cancer, I wouldn't fight it. The emotional pain of..of..what I don't know the cause, gets me to that point of not really caring to live or die. Why? Why don't I have more respect for myself, respect for my own fcking life to think that if these 3 wonderful people were not in it...I would lay down and let cancer eat me away? Just so I would not have to feel the pain anymore. I respect the life of others, I respect the life of the deer my nephew shot enough to do what was necessary..why can't I respect my own ?
PS - I was a boat person..I think the thing you're thinking of is the keel
