Actually, H knows I have a high sex drive. I think he believes his is as high as mine. I asked him again about his fanatsy life...not a whole lot there.
Dressing up, looking good, working out, all of that stuff (including the lingerie) IS what turns me on. Music turns me on, sexy videos turn me on.....
When was sex better for us?....The first year I suppose, but then for whom ISN't the first year great.
If you mean more recently, the answer hurts. Our sex life was better when H was still planning to leave for OW (without me knowing). He initiated sex, seemed much more interested.
I asked him if it was the testosterone rush from her, or if he was "trying to see if there was anything there for us"...and his answer was that we were getting along betrer!
So when I was at my weakest, he ruled and did whatever he wanted (going out etc) "we were getting along better"
We haven't been arguing lately, but my "down" moods (some anger which H seems to focus on) are a turn off too.
We had a rough evening yesterday. Lots of stuff came out. Too much to detail now (just waiting for my exam to print out...warm weather here finally, we want to take a bike ride )
Apparently H has read SSM, I hadn't realized it. He said he told me. I feel a bit let-down that there wasn't more of an interest....as in let's figure this out together, what's our plan??
He did say he'd try harder to be physical with me , and overcome the years of conditioning (C's word, H liked it) my nasty, unlovable behaviours have instilled in him .
Still feeling very raw last night, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was sick of words, so I pulled out my sketch pad and pencils and did my first self portrait in 16 years.
If I do say so myself, it's pretty damned good. I haven't lost my talent, that's good to know. It's an honest drawing too, no makeup, no smile, no jewellery, slight softness along the jawline apparent...I call it "40, Unadorned".
I worked on it till the wee hours, and then left a sticky note on it which read:
Dear Cjay,
You know how often I draw, right?
Just slightly more frequently than I give them away.
...I hope you like this one, 'cause it's for YOU. (heart)
Love S
People, only my mother owns another piece of my artwork. I'm not exactly prolific.
)
