Angelica, I was also in a long marriage like yours. Our 30th anniversary is in December. I was totally blindsided by my h's announcement that he no longer wanted to be married to me. It is now over 3 yrs since the bomb and about 3 yrs. since he moved out. Obviously I have thought long and hard about our marriage, about his complaints that were voiced on his way out the door, about my part in the r/s, his part, etc. I have also parsed every word from him since he left, and read between the lines, watched his behavior and relationship with our 2 sons and the grandson who was born 2 weeks after he left. I have to tell you, I still have no idea why he left. Like your h, he has made a wreck out of his life (from my point of view). From his viewpoint - he is doing what he needs to do. I was willing to wait for him and would still consider rekindling our M, however since we divorced last week I am no longer feeling inclined to stay in that waiting place.
My explanation is just that he was very depressed, and felt compelled to explore a different path to make it better. I have spent more time with him than you have with your h. In my opinion he is still depressed. I am sad for him, sad for me and sad for our kids. But I am no longer willing to assume that he will eventually want to return. How long would I wait for that possibility? Everyone has their limits, and this was enough time for me, and with the divorce, it was a line that was crossed. As we sat waiting for the judge last week, I told him that I still did not believe that our marriage was "irretrievably broken down" but I would say that in front of the judge b/c it was what I had to do in order not to be obstructionist.
So - I am only saying that like you, I have no idea. I have worked on myself - especially in that I have worked thru a great grief. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years. I still cry too easily. I acted as if until it became possible for it to be real and not an act. My grown children have been instrumental in my recovery along w/ my DIL and grandson. But in all this introspection I have not been able to own up to my part in the failure of our M. I know I was not perfect. I know there were things I could have done better. But those things were not the reason our M failed. Those things were the manifestation of 2 imperfect people living together for a long time. I know that we had a good marriage. I know this in my very core.
Better to have loved and lost..... I take this to heart. Now that my days are generally happy, I just go on with knowing that, and not knowing the future. It is not about you. xxx Amy
