Feeling low, empty, tired today. Couldn’t get to sleep last night. Feeling so touch starved, so lonely. What does it say that H was awake, watching Letterman with me and when I changed the channel to “Real Sex” where they were having a couple’s class on improving sexual technique (cunnilingus) and he….. falls asleep? I was so hoping he’d be interested, maybe pick up a few hints. But no, snores.
Brought up my need to get away at C today. All agree it’s a good idea, I deserve it…will it happen? Doubtful. I lack the courage, self confidence, motivation to make it happen. It’s the story of my life.
Okay, I journalled that before reading all of your replies, so maybe instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll try to make it happen, even something closer by. I can't actually rent a car to go the spa I have in mind as it's probably close to 2,000 miles away.
Remember everyone..I live in the middle of NOWHERE!
Also brought up the physical touch thing at C. I was floored to hear H say that he doesn’t think I have a higher sex drive than him.
So I guess all the times he told me that he doesn’t fantasize, didn’t even masturbate much anymore, guess those were lies to make me back off?
And at the time, I thought I could accommodate that. Not anymore. Not when it’s clear he can be passionate, loving, affectionate, filled with desire….just not, apparently for me.
C asked him about that. He brought up the past when I was controlling, a turn off. What about now? Old habits die hard? He mentioned me feeling down lately, also a turn off for him. So in order for him to feel sexy….what?
I have to be happy, stroking his ego, can’t be blue or down? Sort of like on the several occasions when we were having an “US” night with wine and song….still nothing.
Is that fair? I said I didn’t want to be married to a roommate. I think that struck H hard, but they are the same words I said years ago and the same words he threw at me months ago.
They still ring in my ears: “I don’t love you like a husband should love his wife. I care for you, but I’m not in love with you”. I don’t see much change in this area and it’s hardening my heart.
Now H is upset (just went for a walk), I’m upset, so I guess that’s not very sexy either. But if he came in here and gave me a passionate kiss, I’d be in the game in a heartbeat. And now he says he’s only sleeping on the couch so as not to wake me. His back is no longer an issue. Since when?
PMA is in the toilet today, friends. But I'm sure a few 2X4's from you all will set me straight .
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