Feeling low, empty, tired today. Couldn’t get to sleep last night. Feeling so touch starved, so lonely. What does it say that H was awake, watching Letterman with me and when I changed the channel to “Real Sex” where they were having a couple’s class on improving sexual technique (cunnilingus) and he….. falls asleep? I was so hoping he’d be interested, maybe pick up a few hints. But no, snores.
Brought up my need to get away at C today. All agree it’s a good idea, I deserve it…will it happen? Doubtful. I lack the courage, self confidence, motivation to make it happen. It’s the story of my life.
Okay, I journalled that before reading all of your replies, so maybe instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll try to make it happen, even something closer by. I can't actually rent a car to go the spa I have in mind as it's probably close to 2,000 miles away.
Remember everyone..I live in the middle of NOWHERE!
Also brought up the physical touch thing at C. I was floored to hear H say that he doesn’t think I have a higher sex drive than him.
So I guess all the times he told me that he doesn’t fantasize, didn’t even masturbate much anymore, guess those were lies to make me back off?
And at the time, I thought I could accommodate that. Not anymore. Not when it’s clear he can be passionate, loving, affectionate, filled with desire….just not, apparently for me.
C asked him about that. He brought up the past when I was controlling, a turn off. What about now? Old habits die hard? He mentioned me feeling down lately, also a turn off for him. So in order for him to feel sexy….what?
I have to be happy, stroking his ego, can’t be blue or down? Sort of like on the several occasions when we were having an “US” night with wine and song….still nothing.
Is that fair? I said I didn’t want to be married to a roommate. I think that struck H hard, but they are the same words I said years ago and the same words he threw at me months ago.
They still ring in my ears: “I don’t love you like a husband should love his wife. I care for you, but I’m not in love with you”. I don’t see much change in this area and it’s hardening my heart.
Now H is upset (just went for a walk), I’m upset, so I guess that’s not very sexy either. But if he came in here and gave me a passionate kiss, I’d be in the game in a heartbeat. And now he says he’s only sleeping on the couch so as not to wake me. His back is no longer an issue. Since when?
PMA is in the toilet today, friends. But I'm sure a few 2X4's from you all will set me straight .
uhm?? shiny??? not sure???? I feel to much like I'm reading my own words here??? don't know if maybe I have two user names...a duel personality and am posting on two threads?????
oh shiny...I sooooo hear ya on all counts... but let's look at it this way...h is willing to go to c..and is open there...ya so he did have it for ow but keep in mind...that was new...would it have lasted??? or would he have fizzled out there too??
maybe you can get h to read the book and break the negative cycle...
Yeah I know it would have fizzled out with them, too. Just a matter of time. Wouldn't that have been a let-down for her! Glad that's one lesson she won't learn!
Guess I should get off here, fix some dinner. H is backf from his walk, no words, off in another room. Wonder if he'll come in here once I sign off?
Quoting shinybear: Okay, I journalled that before reading all of your replies, so maybe instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll try to make it happen, even something closer by. I can't actually rent a car to go the spa I have in mind as it's probably close to 2,000 miles away.
YES! Figure out a way to make it happen!!! DO IT!
Quote: Also brought up the physical touch thing at C. I was floored to hear H say that he doesn&t think I have a higher sex drive than him.
So I guess all the times he told me that he doesnt fantasize, didnt even masturbate much anymore, guess those were lies to make me back off?
actually, when I read what you said about H's beliefs, I took it to mean that H was misinterpreting YOUR sex drive not the other way around. In other words, that when you think that you have a neon sign over your head saying "give it to me now" that H doesn't get it? Or, is it that H is saying "yah, here's part of my sex drive reserved for sb and there's part of it reserved for fantasy and..." -- that his drive is compartmentalized? And maybe part of it isn't for you to share (ok, I AM talking about solo activities here -- not ow stuff). The question is: how can you get more of the pie (so to speak)???
Quote: C asked him about that. He brought up the past when I was controlling, a turn off. What about now? Old habits die hard? He mentioned me feeling down lately, also a turn off for him. So in order for him to feel sexy what?
My H has also said my "personality" has turned him off in the past -- controlling, etc. Seems like one of those vicious cycles -- the less we get the more we "demand" it, hence appearing controlling or full of expectation.
Have there been times when sex just "works" for you guys? In other words, a la DB'ing, what about the times when initiating it has been easy or when H has initiated? What works? What doesn't?
In your post you talk a bunch about appearing "sexy" to H. What makes YOU feel sexy? As long as it doesnt' involve other people, may be that's the way to go??? What if SB did some stuff (eat, drink, dress, go out, sing, new underwear, tv, whatever) to make herself feel good and confident and sexy?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Actually, H knows I have a high sex drive. I think he believes his is as high as mine. I asked him again about his fanatsy life...not a whole lot there.
Dressing up, looking good, working out, all of that stuff (including the lingerie) IS what turns me on. Music turns me on, sexy videos turn me on.....
When was sex better for us?....The first year I suppose, but then for whom ISN't the first year great.
If you mean more recently, the answer hurts. Our sex life was better when H was still planning to leave for OW (without me knowing). He initiated sex, seemed much more interested.
I asked him if it was the testosterone rush from her, or if he was "trying to see if there was anything there for us"...and his answer was that we were getting along betrer!
So when I was at my weakest, he ruled and did whatever he wanted (going out etc) "we were getting along better"
We haven't been arguing lately, but my "down" moods (some anger which H seems to focus on) are a turn off too.
We had a rough evening yesterday. Lots of stuff came out. Too much to detail now (just waiting for my exam to print out...warm weather here finally, we want to take a bike ride )
Apparently H has read SSM, I hadn't realized it. He said he told me. I feel a bit let-down that there wasn't more of an interest....as in let's figure this out together, what's our plan??
He did say he'd try harder to be physical with me , and overcome the years of conditioning (C's word, H liked it) my nasty, unlovable behaviours have instilled in him .
Still feeling very raw last night, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was sick of words, so I pulled out my sketch pad and pencils and did my first self portrait in 16 years.
If I do say so myself, it's pretty damned good. I haven't lost my talent, that's good to know. It's an honest drawing too, no makeup, no smile, no jewellery, slight softness along the jawline apparent...I call it "40, Unadorned".
I worked on it till the wee hours, and then left a sticky note on it which read:
Dear Cjay,
You know how often I draw, right?
Just slightly more frequently than I give them away.
...I hope you like this one, 'cause it's for YOU. (heart)
Love S
People, only my mother owns another piece of my artwork. I'm not exactly prolific.
Quote: Actually, H knows I have a high sex drive. I think he believes his is as high as mine. I asked him again about his fanatsy life...not a whole lot there.
maybe the actual "sex drive" is similar but we are physical touch love speakers and that makes it different??? na!! I think if I were a guy I'd have a constant boner!! for shame for shame for shame!!
Sure I've had a glass of wine, but I have more reasons to smile.
It hit me today as H and I came back from our glorious first bike ride of the year...why not get away with CJ for the Easter Weekend? Somewhere nearer by, somewhere we could drive....
So I mentioned it to him and he was...very glad I think...he even mentioned the city (no border crossings necessary) that I had in mind.
So we got on line, and booked, yes BOOKED the Easter Weekend at a 4 1/2 star hotel (best in the city), in one of only three luxury Jaccuzzi suites...fitness centre, sauna, whirlpool, swimming pool!!!!
Okay, realize that this is VERY unlike our usual way...not the most sponaneous couple, shall we say.
I don't care! Easter is ALWAYS my holiday to hoast the whole family (13-15 usually) but I'm a bailin' this year!
I have a hunch my family will understand.
We almost went with the Romance Package...but
1) strawberries (even dipped in chocolate!) are bad for my kidney stones
2) We prefer non-bubbly wine
3) Breakfast in bed is nice....but what if we want to sleep in????
Now all's that's left is to ask my nephew to watch our cats, finish my school work (easier with some motivation and a deadline to work towards!) and buy new bathing suites.
Dont worry differnt is good you guys are going to have a great time. Sorry I dont have much time right now but should be back later on to check in on you.
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for shame for shame for shame!!