Although it may seem that you'll have negative feeling regarding your W from here on out, after the court stuff is settled & done my guess is you'll feel differently.
Maybe, but I really have my doubts at this point. She is threatening to get really ugly with things, and with everything that I've done for her up to this point I just can't believe she's doing this. She hasn't learned anything from this experience, and has actually gotten much worse in her choices, attitude, behavior, etc. It's been a year and she's just getting worse. Yesterday, even her good friend was shocked at this new development, and said that she has recently began to realize how selfish and unstable STBX has become.
I just don't want anything to do with her at this point, and the only way I will ever feel differently is if SHE makes changes and shows that they are genuine over a consistent period of time. I now have the WASes mentality regarding a needed change in the spouse. Until she can prove this to me (and I don't think she'll ever have the desire to), she will get nothing more than is absolutely necessary from me.
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Just a suggestion FWIW, if you do offer your W child support, that's something that can always be altered later, whereas a divorce settlement cannot.
Great point, sunny -- I'll talk with my atty about it.
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It might take the heat out of it if you offer something, & as you said, you were giving her $700 month anyway. Perhaps take it out of that & you can always adjust it later.
She wants some child support ON TOP of the $700 she's already getting. I'm rather irritated with her belief this should be okay with me, especially with everything else I've done. I'm just tired of doing more than what is necessary to help her out (with ZERO expectations that she will want to come back) and having her believe she deserves more. She isn't taking ANY responsibility for her choices and her future, and is expecting me to provide her with that future. I don't agree with this expectation AT ALL.
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I can sure understand how you would feel about her right now.
Thanks, sunny -- I really appreciate that.
Puddle,
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what I hear from her comments is huge fear. GD, she knows she's in a bad place. She's living with a guy in an R that isn't going anywhere; she's partying all the time; you've got your act together. Now that the D is becoming reality, she's afraid of what's going to happen to her. I totally get that.
I totally agree with this assessment, Puddle -- but that fact that she is willing to threaten me with legal ramifications re my driving situation kind of negates any empathy I have for her regarding her fears. That is just way below the belt, and not a characteristic I've ever seen in my STBX -- EVER.
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IF, and that's a humongous IF, you wanted to show your W some more impressive GD moves, you could do what Sunny suggested.
To be honest, I really don't care to show her anymore changes and effort. I just feel done with that. I will definitely continue to be respectful of her and her choices, but I really don't want to bend over backwards or make anymore efforts to help her out. She's on her own now. The only reason I will take sunny's suggestion is to mellow things until the D is final, and then I'll have the child support renegotiated after that. I will not do it for the long term -- just to help me weather the D storm.
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When you've talked to W before when she was in a state, you were able to listen and validate, and she came around.
Not sure what situation you're referring to.
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Where you stand right now probably makes that really hard, but if you could do the same thing and talk to her about what she's afraid of, I imagine that would be really powerful for her.
During our last talk, I did talk with her about this, and did empathize with her (despite my negative thoughts and feelings going through my head). Honestly, I can tell that she's not thinking "Wow, he really listening to me. He does care about my fears, feelings, etc,". She's just thinking, "This is how I'm feeling -- now do something about it to make it better."
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She might not be able to hear it,
99% sure she can't. She's so self-absorbed right now it's shocking.
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I know you don't have a lot of time before the hearing, but use it wisely. This is probably the ultimate moment in your R.
Maybe, but I don't think there will EVER be any good reflection from STBX, and therefore there will NEVER be an ultimate moment in the R where I can show my stuff. She will never see it -- she's too focused on getting what she needs/wants at any cost.
Thanks for your help and support, Puddle -- it's very important to me!
