On the outside, I appeared normal, out going, even gregarious. Yet I was unable to express any uncomfortable emotion... I would not cry... would not show any form of vulnerabllity... to do so would require me to lose control. And to do so... was so terrifying for me... I just simply didn't do it. I'd avoid it, avoid life, avoid love, avoid, avoid, avoid. If I couldn't avoid it... I'd get a headache... or I'd eat... or chain smoke... or binge drink. Something... anything... that would take my focus off it. - Corri
I read this from an old post and it really hit home with me today. As I was reading the whole post, I got to this paragraph and I don't know what happened...this is me ! I can't..no I won't allow myself to show these uncomfortable emotions or vulnerabilty.
I avoid, withdraw, or in most cases..cover them up with humor. Why do I do this? I've got a wonderful wife that I adore and think the world of...and I think she feels the same towards me. I can't put my finger on what is causing the emotional pain or why I'm feeling it - especially now. But guys, I'm hurting like hell inside.
I see Miss IC on here and at home struggling to "live" up to IC's "attitude" - truth is...I've lied to her, to all of you on this board,...and to myself. I'm so sorry ! I've got a wife and 2 beautiful girls and they are the ONLY reason that I can come up with to battle my cancer. That SCARES the hell out of me ! I'm not doing it for me ! It scares me to think that if they were not apart of my life...I WOULD not fight this ! I would see this as a somewhat dignified way to finally escape the emotional pain that I feel.
Everything that I've learned on here, Lill's stories and insight, Corri's excercises and honesty...I hate to keep singling these 2 out because all of you have contributed - thank you. My reactions and comments have all been genuine...except for my attitude towards the cancer. I'm sorry everyone for lying to you all, I truly am. Miss IC is struggling to find "strength" in her to help me..truth is, she's the strong one. Without her and the girls, this would probably kill me...and I would let it.
