People say, if you think about it you will remeber that your marriage wasn't that great,
People are wrong. They say this to justify the actions of moving on...might as well give up, it wasn't really good anyway.
Well first, what do they know? And second, it is common to look back on something like this and forget the joy, recreating it as a negative experience because of the recent memories.
It has been over two years since Bomb drop and when I came to this board. Sweetheart has been home for 10.5 months now--without waivering. But intimacy is slow. He sometimes talks about finding me attractive, and at others how he must not be because he doesn't want sex or I'm too heavy (I weigh less than on our wedding day). I put on about 10lbs after the accident in May--actually five of them came when I was allowed to start walking and wasn't getting the crutching exercise.
We have been intimate, but not often.
You know that you are attractive. You alos know there is nothing wrong with you, and that doesn't mean you are perfect; we all make mistakes.
But you know very well that you will find neither causes or solutions by trying to find the problem for his lack of attraction within yourself. It is his problem. And I seriously doubt the problem is attraction to you. But other problems within himself are manifesting outwardly with that issue, and he then uses it as an excuse.
That doesn't mean you have to believe it.
Are you having a bad day/week/month? You aren't usually like this.
Someone elses's crisis is not your fault. It doesn't matter how perfect your marriage. Something triggered old issues to resurface and he doesn't know how to deal with them. He may have learned great coping mechanisms, but they were not tested by Demons and crisis level issues. When those issues resurfaced he reverted to old coping mechanisms--ineffective mechanisms because he didn't know any better.
What you do is the same thing you have been doing. Focus on YOU.
Be the safe place, nonjudgmental, unconditionaly forgiving and loving. Be these things regardless of whether you have contact or not.
You are beautiful and smart and gracious and generous and your marriage was wonderful and you raised beautiful children.
Please stop second-guessing yourself.
There are things about all of us that we could improve. You have used this time for self-reflection and discovery, you have emersed yourself in wonderful hobbies and pasttimes, you have carried on with your work, you have moved and rediscovered the joys of city living, and above all you have tried to be a rock for your sons, in the face of your own pain.
There were things that we might have done differently in marriage, time off we wished we had taken instead of slogging through work, time we wish we had taken to care for ourselves, nurtured our own souls, restarted our own batteries, time off to have gone on romantic, get back in touch with each other weekends. Maybe there were bad choices made, in career, in homes, in friends, in dealing with family, here and there throughout a life and a marriage. That's true of anyone's life, there are left turns you could have taken instead of right.
Would any of that made any difference in the grand scheme of things? I think not. If we believe any that we have read and observed about midlife crisis, it is that it is a date with the individual's own destiny, and the seeds were sown long before we ever knew they existed.
So yes, use this time for you, to get back in touch with you and your God, to reaffirm for yourself that you are God's child, that He loves you and His commitment to you is unwaivering. Focus on that. Give your husband and his pain over to God, and release yourself from these feelings of doubt.
Thanks everybody - I just felt that I had been doing this forever, and nothing was getting better, so it must be me. Bleh
Annie wrote:
Quote:
There were things that we might have done differently in marriage, time off we wished we had taken instead of slogging through work, time we wish we had taken to care for ourselves, nurtured our own souls, restarted our own batteries,
Yes, I would have taken more time for ME, and been more selfish. I also know, sadly, that if my marriage were to be restored I would be less open, more guarded, and more careful not to expose my emotions. I feel that I was too generous and open and candid in my marriage. Gave too much and took too little. And I don't like that I feel this is the lesson I have learned. . . .
Everyone says how hard it is to restore a marriage. Hmmmmmm
Thanks for all the input, I feel slightly less stupid, since it is a shared experience.
Angelica, I was also in a long marriage like yours. Our 30th anniversary is in December. I was totally blindsided by my h's announcement that he no longer wanted to be married to me. It is now over 3 yrs since the bomb and about 3 yrs. since he moved out. Obviously I have thought long and hard about our marriage, about his complaints that were voiced on his way out the door, about my part in the r/s, his part, etc. I have also parsed every word from him since he left, and read between the lines, watched his behavior and relationship with our 2 sons and the grandson who was born 2 weeks after he left. I have to tell you, I still have no idea why he left. Like your h, he has made a wreck out of his life (from my point of view). From his viewpoint - he is doing what he needs to do. I was willing to wait for him and would still consider rekindling our M, however since we divorced last week I am no longer feeling inclined to stay in that waiting place.
My explanation is just that he was very depressed, and felt compelled to explore a different path to make it better. I have spent more time with him than you have with your h. In my opinion he is still depressed. I am sad for him, sad for me and sad for our kids. But I am no longer willing to assume that he will eventually want to return. How long would I wait for that possibility? Everyone has their limits, and this was enough time for me, and with the divorce, it was a line that was crossed. As we sat waiting for the judge last week, I told him that I still did not believe that our marriage was "irretrievably broken down" but I would say that in front of the judge b/c it was what I had to do in order not to be obstructionist.
So - I am only saying that like you, I have no idea. I have worked on myself - especially in that I have worked thru a great grief. I cried every day for 1 1/2 years. I still cry too easily. I acted as if until it became possible for it to be real and not an act. My grown children have been instrumental in my recovery along w/ my DIL and grandson. But in all this introspection I have not been able to own up to my part in the failure of our M. I know I was not perfect. I know there were things I could have done better. But those things were not the reason our M failed. Those things were the manifestation of 2 imperfect people living together for a long time. I know that we had a good marriage. I know this in my very core.
Better to have loved and lost..... I take this to heart. Now that my days are generally happy, I just go on with knowing that, and not knowing the future. It is not about you. xxx Amy
Nice to hear someone else feeling this way. It almost seems as if we get "scolded" - not the right word, I know - for not seeing a bad marriage. We had a good marriage, too..... It just doesnl;t make sense...
Angelica, No matter how many times you mull the situation over, the answers will not come to you. Why? Because the problem isn't with you at all, it is with your h. He's the one that became dissatisfied with things. For example, my xh said that nothing had changed at home, after he had left and come home the first time. I looked around and thought, well...I don't know what else you want changed, because I sure as heck have changed everything in our lives to meet your needs.
Angelica, long story short, they honestly don't know what it is they are looking for. Some will say I don't know, but I can promise you this, when it presents itself, I'll know it's the right person/situation. So, dear Angelica, do not beat yourself up because his crisis is his and his alone. There's nothing you can do about it.
But, you on the other hand, can continue to look to the future and keep the focus on yourself and your family. You are such a wonderful and delightful person and shame on him for not being there w/you. He's the one that's getting the short end of the stick that life has to offer. No matter who he hooks up with, you will out shine her.
BTW, we all have questioned ourselves many times over and I can assure you, the answers will not come to you, except that it's his problem.
Have a beautiful week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just don't know what to do. I thought our marriage was happy. We had fun together, made plans, did stuff. Rarely quarrelled, although we aregued about interesting stuff like politics and music and books. We had shared tastes. We adored our kids.
Really, doesn't this just confirm for you that it is not about you, it is not about the M, it is about the MLC and MLCer. Bless you, I know that awful feeling of it just not making any sense, but that is the essence of the MLC, it is so irrational.
I hope you are feeling better, so many have posted to you with similar feelings. I could have written the paragraph you wrote, even though my M was rockier than yours. But nowhere near ending. They are just crazy in their own pain right now.
Snodderly - I have been thinking about you and your father - how is he now? Thank you for your post - I know that MLC is about them, but there are a lot of posts that seem to suggest we have contributed to this.
My kids feel that I [and they] actually kept him going. They saw him as more damaged and vulnerable than I did. They are also MUCH harder on him now than I am. As for his mother - she is beside herself with rage with him. I think I win an award for the angriest MIL on these boards.
Thank you, and thank you all for helping me - I had one of those low points when I felt that I had contributed to what he is going through, by not being a good enough wife.
Amysideas - how are your kids with your h? Mine has behaved very oddly towards the children, with a total want of self knowledge. He genuinely cannot understand why they are so angry with him. He 'woos' them and then metaphorically kicks them in the teeth with a real rejection. Then can't understand that they are VERY cautious about having any dealings with him. He is terrifying in his weirdness - a real breakdown.
But he can put on a good front, and people that don't know him well cannot see the strange behaviour. So they tend to think that we - me and the kids, are being unreasonable, which I find rather hard to bear.
Angelica, Thank you for asking about my father. I just came from the rehab and he's doing a little bit better. He's inching his way along. For an 89 yr old man, he's come a long way in three weeks, i.e., coding and is talking about being bored to death at this time. He's eating and it appears that the pesky hole in his small intestine is definitely healed. What a blessing!
I don't believe in many of the instances, that we contributed to the demise of our marriages. If we had, we wouldn't be here questioning ourselves so much. No one is perfect, in many instances, the marriages were good ones, i.e., no abuse of any kind, substance abuse wasn't too evident and overall, life was running along fairly well. I could understand some marriages ending, i.e., w/abuse evident, infidelity, etc., but the marriages that we were/are in weren't that far off the scale. That's why it's important not to focus too much on what you think your part was in the demise of your marriage. You could have been the most perfect person in the world and he would still have gone through his crisis.
Stop and think about this, single people go through a crisis, just as well as a married individual, so who/what was the culprit in this type of situation? A trigger is all it takes to spin them out of control and unfortunately, we weren't educated on what to do if the trigger is pulled. Angelica, rest easy, your marriage was not the issue here. He's really got some issues that he's got to face and it's now or never.
As for your MIL, let her deal w/him. It's time those two had a nice long chat about his childhood.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
