My H comes from not only an alcoholic/addictive back ground but there was also much abuse from relatives that was both emotional/sexual/physical....he had a horrible childhood...with some good parts...
Later, after he came back I discussed something with his sister that he had mentioned to me...it was that she married her first husband becuase of his family...it was the family that she always wanted...H admitted at one point that he didn't know if he really loved me or not when we married but he saw a family that was what he wanted...and felt by marrying me that he could create that for himself...that I would have the tools he didn't...
He also never faced those demons of his past...always told me that was was past was past and he is looking forward...didn't need to relive any of it because it was over and wasn't going to happen again so no point in going over it again...everyone that had been through anything similar said he would have to face it at some point...he couldn't continue running...I foolishly believed him...because at MLC it was exactly those things from his past that jumped up and sucker punched him...
Yes, I had many people tell me that I could start over with someone who really loved me and would appreciate my qualities...well one man that I was watching...proved what I had suspected...he remarried soon after his divorce...a MLC situation with his wife but some childhood issues on his part were thrown in for good measure with some emotional instabilities on her part...well he remarried a woman who had never been married before...things seemed well for a bit but then he started drinking heavily again...something that he had said he had gotten controled and dealt with after his wife left...well he didn't...and now his new wife is forced to work because he can't seem to find work...and then he drinks...and she is not happy...he is not happy...soooooo....I would rather work with Devil I knew then the one I didn't...So no, I didn't think chucking the last 29 years of my life with this man was an option at this point...not that the thought didn't cross my mind....not that I didn't fantasize about a husband who like to share in the house work and do dishes and wisk me off to tropical locations...
What I did find at the end of the one journey apart and the beginning of the other journey together (looking back, at the time I didn't see it) was that my H had also grown and changed from what he went through...he did help with dishes and housework...he did want to go to tropical locations with me...he started to do things that he had not done our entire life...single and married...I have maintained my positive changes...occasionally I slip...sometimes he points it out to me...other times I catch myself and apologize for my actions/reactions...
We talk more about the little things...I don't try and beat a dead horse anymore...it is okay if we don't agree as long as we find a solution...sometimes it means that one of us gives in...we are getting better at this...I don't tell him how to drive...at least not like I used to...now it is only if I am tired...I tend to get a little more spooked at night with him driving...but it is best to remember that he hasn't killed me yet...infact he has never had an accident with me in the car and only one that I know of in his life...
It is a long process to rebuild...it is hard work...but I can say I am happy to be where I am today and H says he is happy to be here is well...
I am off on vacation now...have a good week...be safe and happy...Lin
