hopefloats...good point...I too knew something was wrong with my H...he wasn't treating me right and was doing some crazy stuff...like many I had no idea it was OUR marriage on the line...it was driving me crazy but I just thought it was stress for him because of a lot of recent stress factors that really hit us financially (loss of job, moving out of home and in with parents, my loss of job)...he kept telling me that it was not us...that he would be with me forever...
I regret not trying harder...and at times I think...no I know...I was selfish...I wanted things better and hated how things were going yet I whined to H to fix things...he was tired..."tired of the work"...
It was an eye opener for me...and a knee buckler for me...and a world crumbler when the bomb hit...but looking at the silver lining it did wake me up...it made me take a hard look at my part...and it made me work on me...
I do honestly feel that I would have chosen counseling if that had been an option...but financially we were strapped...alhtough I did scrape up some money post-bomb for us...but by then it was too late for H to care about our life anymore...our friends...our family...he was DONE...
The good news in all of this though...is while I regret what I did before...I have no regrets (well almost none) about what I did after H left...and because of the changes I made we were able to work things out before the D became final...actually the first D came within a few days of final and I stopped it...only to refile again because H disappeared and wouldn't surface...
Now...after nearly 2 years apart...his A ended...we were able to work things out...reunite...and have been together again for nearly a 1 1/2 years...it has been very HARD...sometimes in piecing it was harder then when he was gone...but it was worth it...
I know for me...so many times I thought my marriage was over for good...H kept telling me he was done....that he had been unhappy for too long and he couldn't love me anymore...I refused to believe all of that in my heart...but went on as if it were true...and now here we are...of course it wasn't a light bulb moment on his part to come home...it was gradual...
And I too see sooooo many of my friends with long term marriages throwing in the towel...it hurts me...it makes me cry so many times when I hear of it....and yes, I do have to say something...although it is usually to the LBS...I tell them not to give up hope...just to give it time and while they are to work on themselves...and take an honest look at how they got where they are...two traveled down that road...one needs to take the lead back to the main road...I chose to take that lead...
Lots of thought here for a Saturday morning....take care...Lin
I have thought about that Hope...however with my one friend - honestly, I see her as part of the problem...although who knows...I'm not there every day. She has very high expectations of her H. Was raised with everything and H can't provide that now and I think he feels this. Some of her behavior shocks me somewhat....
But I have also thought about the travel that he does and the way he treats her (as she tells me) and the fact that he lost a very good job several years ago when their unhappiness began.
But she is the one saying that it was a mistake to marry him, etc.
It was an eye opener for me...and a knee buckler for me...and a world crumbler when the bomb hit...but looking at the silver lining it did wake me up...it made me take a hard look at my part...and it made me work on me...
I agree with your quote, Lin - it was a knee buckler for me too and yet, I know I'm doing better now than I was for at least a few years there.
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Perhaps instead of being worried or concerned about the changes in behavior, they are annoyed with their husbands and are already thinking of throwing in the towel...before their H's have even gotten up the courage to walk out the door.
That's a thought, Hope; I keep thinking that if divorce was even a blip on my radar as a possibility, I might have been the one to walk - I know my h had so tried to second guess what I wanted (wrongly!) and had emotionally withdrawn so far, that I felt completely pointless in our marriage just before he walked. And like you wrote, Lin, I tried to ask my h months before if anything was wrong and all he would say was "you just don't trust me" - effectively keeping me from pushing any farther.
I wonder with my friends, though, if some of them are going through or beginning their own MLCs. I know that for many women, it is their 40s that brings them to needing a new direction. My mother went to seminary and became an ordained minister when she was 42 - kindof a "holy" MLC!
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I know for me...so many times I thought my marriage was over for good...H kept telling me he was done....that he had been unhappy for too long and he couldn't love me anymore...I refused to believe all of that in my heart...but went on as if it were true...and now here we are...of course it wasn't a light bulb moment on his part to come home...it was gradual...
In the end, your journey, Lin, reflects both my hopes and fears. I am letting myself face the fact that right now, at this moment, my marriage is over, but I also know that until the papers are final, nothing is for certain -- except change. I fear my close confidents - my sister, BFFs, aunt, IC - are getting tired of my inability to not just shut down my heart, but I also know that there's a part of that man who is my H who I love completely. I don't want to lose that prematurely, and I wish for the chance to be with him again in a healthier relationship. My fears ... maybe my challenge ... is the thought of going through the pain of the divorce and then having him and I rebuild; sometimes I want to either work it out or go through with the D, not somewhere in between ... but of course, this isn't all in my control, so I keep hanging on for the ride...
How difficult was it, Lin, to have the reconciliation & piecing together happen after the divorce? Or do you think your relationship needed that break in order to regrow?
Transitions: can't live with them, can't live without them!
Actually we didn't get divorced...it is still pending though because he has some legal things to take care of that I don't want to be party too...left overs of his MLC...
I do know a few friends of mine that got D'ed and then reconciled...H had mentioned at one point during the time that we were discussing the possibilities...that he wouldn't mind getting D'ed and then starting over down the road...
but I don't think it would have been any more difficult after then before except that I would have had to wait to re-marry before he moved back in with us...
What was so difficult as that even though he came home...he was still very much a broken man...just coming out of the MLC with tons of baggage with him...it was a tough time...and I had to be tougher then I was before and not afraid to lose him again...mainly his drinking was not going to go over with all of us...I had to call 9-1-1 twice and have him taken to the hospital and treated for alcoholism...he finally admitted to the problem, got treatment and things started progressing again... There were times before he was having his depression treated that he was just a mess...and not very nice to me...to the point that one time I asked him to leave...but he refused...it was definitely a transitional period with lots of hot spots to get over and around...
During that time I needed even more patience....more compassion....and more love....more strength....more reliance on God...and more focus...then all the many many months previous...
In my mind I had imagined this romantic reunion...renewed honeymoon period...and everything rosey for every more...not exactly how it started...I had to keep trusting and keep the faith that it would all work out...eventually...and it did!!!
Thank you for your open heart! I had misread about how your reconciliation happened in your post, but what you wrote helped answer my question.
You have an h with alcohol problems; my h is dealing with the eruption of all of the issues of an adult child of an alcoholic/addictive family. I have known about his family's history as long as we were together, and part of me kept waiting for things to change or H to try to deal with things. He never did, and both he and others would say that I was waiting for something that didn't need to happen ("he has a perfectly good way of dealing with things in place..." Oh, yeah! ) Still, I never thought his confrontation with demons would be like this, but now, after reading and thinking, it makes sense that at mid-life is when he'd finally have everything come out. I wish he hadn't decided that the best way to deal with it all was to discard me, but when I have written that I don't think we would have dealt with things like we are if we had just gone to MC, that's why. Not only wouldn't he be trying to eliminate these unhealthy responses to life, but I also didn't recognize until after he left and I started working so hard on myself what I had been doing or how I had created a situation that co-dependently worked with his issues - and all of which needs to be dismantled before we can even begin to start again.
You are describing what I wonder - how difficult it is to recreate the relationship into a healthier, more equitable, less protective (I'm adding my own issue here, but maybe it applies to you as well) partnership. I keep saying that I'd rather rebuild with the devil I know than the devil I don't, but I don't know... Have you ever found yourself wondering if just chucking this and finding someone else would be easier?
I suspect that you have heard from people what I have - how I deserve happiness and a partner who can better meet my needs. I think of that, but I think of what Michele & others (Harville Hendrix comes to mind) say about needing to work through issues with this partner or risk repeating situations with others ... and the end result is that eternal wish for a crystal ball.
I too have found that prayer helps me, as well as meditation to keep me from sailing off into "future talk" and replaying negative or worrisome tapes. Did you ever wonder if you were waiting instead of rebuilding - that you were allowing his pain and challenges to restrict your life in unhealthy ways? I think that's my worry at times: that I will begin to just wait. On the other hand, my H is wanting a D - I keep trying to create reasons to put it off - so if I wait, it will probably be alone and not with me in the file or not driver's seat.
Anyway, thanks again for being willing to share. This pain and challenge and journey, while different for everyone, is made somewhat less scary because of the learned wisdom of others.
My H comes from not only an alcoholic/addictive back ground but there was also much abuse from relatives that was both emotional/sexual/physical....he had a horrible childhood...with some good parts...
Later, after he came back I discussed something with his sister that he had mentioned to me...it was that she married her first husband becuase of his family...it was the family that she always wanted...H admitted at one point that he didn't know if he really loved me or not when we married but he saw a family that was what he wanted...and felt by marrying me that he could create that for himself...that I would have the tools he didn't...
He also never faced those demons of his past...always told me that was was past was past and he is looking forward...didn't need to relive any of it because it was over and wasn't going to happen again so no point in going over it again...everyone that had been through anything similar said he would have to face it at some point...he couldn't continue running...I foolishly believed him...because at MLC it was exactly those things from his past that jumped up and sucker punched him...
Yes, I had many people tell me that I could start over with someone who really loved me and would appreciate my qualities...well one man that I was watching...proved what I had suspected...he remarried soon after his divorce...a MLC situation with his wife but some childhood issues on his part were thrown in for good measure with some emotional instabilities on her part...well he remarried a woman who had never been married before...things seemed well for a bit but then he started drinking heavily again...something that he had said he had gotten controled and dealt with after his wife left...well he didn't...and now his new wife is forced to work because he can't seem to find work...and then he drinks...and she is not happy...he is not happy...soooooo....I would rather work with Devil I knew then the one I didn't...So no, I didn't think chucking the last 29 years of my life with this man was an option at this point...not that the thought didn't cross my mind....not that I didn't fantasize about a husband who like to share in the house work and do dishes and wisk me off to tropical locations...
What I did find at the end of the one journey apart and the beginning of the other journey together (looking back, at the time I didn't see it) was that my H had also grown and changed from what he went through...he did help with dishes and housework...he did want to go to tropical locations with me...he started to do things that he had not done our entire life...single and married...I have maintained my positive changes...occasionally I slip...sometimes he points it out to me...other times I catch myself and apologize for my actions/reactions...
We talk more about the little things...I don't try and beat a dead horse anymore...it is okay if we don't agree as long as we find a solution...sometimes it means that one of us gives in...we are getting better at this...I don't tell him how to drive...at least not like I used to...now it is only if I am tired...I tend to get a little more spooked at night with him driving...but it is best to remember that he hasn't killed me yet...infact he has never had an accident with me in the car and only one that I know of in his life...
It is a long process to rebuild...it is hard work...but I can say I am happy to be where I am today and H says he is happy to be here is well...
I am off on vacation now...have a good week...be safe and happy...Lin
Your story's similarity to mine helps give me some hope or support to hold on. My H's childhood wasn't quite as toxic as your h's - at least, not from what is consciously known - but the assertion that there was no need to remember or worry was there all along. How much I wish it felt satisfying even a little bit to say "I knew it!" ... but it only makes me feel sad.
I know that if we really do go our separate ways - that if H just does not ever want to come back and repair or try again - I will not jump into anything new. At the same time, I keep thinking that if I can let go of the tendencies that I have had to lose boundaries and try to save everyone, I will be in a better place for either my h to return to or for me to find someone who I can build a positive life with.
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I have maintained my positive changes...occasionally I slip...sometimes he points it out to me...other times I catch myself and apologize for my actions/reactions...
That's what I hope for ... that's what I try to know can happen if I can give H his space to work on what he needs ...
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It is a long process to rebuild...it is hard work...but I can say I am happy to be where I am today and H says he is happy to be here is well...
I admire you both! I hope you have a great vacation and a happy thanksgiving.
I think today's going to be harder than I thought last night; my H and I and our sons & my parents had a good dinner at a local restaurant, and everything went fine. Today, I'm taking my sons to my parents' house for dinner and then the boys are going with H to a hockey game. Fine, ok, everything's simple...but those ol' memories insist on cropping up.
To add to the emotional baggage, a friend of ours died in a freak accident on Monday and his visitation is today. I keep thinking about his widow and her kids (they were only in their late 30's and their kids are young) and how that would be - to have my H suddenly dead - and I wonder how much harder that would be than when H suddenly walked out last January. On a really insensitive note, I think that at least if H had died, I'd have had insurance money to pay things off . Anyway, one more complicated emotional thing to do today.
OK, so I do have a question: How many of you who are separated have a legal separation agreement written up and how many are just "trial" separating? We haven't done anything legal, and I keep wondering if there's any reason we should. We have dissolved a small moneymarket account and are using that money to take out some of the high interest debt - and we keep sharing the payment load for other bills. So far we are cooperating fine, so I wonder if there's any other reason than financial ones to get a legal separation agreement?
Thanks all, and I hope you are finding today easier than me... A
) Still, I never thought his confrontation with demons would be like this, but now, after reading and thinking, it makes sense that at mid-life is when he'd finally have everything come out. I wish he hadn't decided that the best way to deal with it all was to discard me, but when I have written that I don't think we would have dealt with things like we are if we had just gone to MC, that's why. Not only wouldn't he be trying to eliminate these unhealthy responses to life, but I also didn't recognize until after he left and I started working so hard on myself what I had been doing or how I had created a situation that co-dependently worked with his issues - and all of which needs to be dismantled before we can even begin to start again.