Thank you for your open heart! I had misread about how your reconciliation happened in your post, but what you wrote helped answer my question.
You have an h with alcohol problems; my h is dealing with the eruption of all of the issues of an adult child of an alcoholic/addictive family. I have known about his family's history as long as we were together, and part of me kept waiting for things to change or H to try to deal with things. He never did, and both he and others would say that I was waiting for something that didn't need to happen ("he has a perfectly good way of dealing with things in place..." Oh, yeah! ) Still, I never thought his confrontation with demons would be like this, but now, after reading and thinking, it makes sense that at mid-life is when he'd finally have everything come out. I wish he hadn't decided that the best way to deal with it all was to discard me, but when I have written that I don't think we would have dealt with things like we are if we had just gone to MC, that's why. Not only wouldn't he be trying to eliminate these unhealthy responses to life, but I also didn't recognize until after he left and I started working so hard on myself what I had been doing or how I had created a situation that co-dependently worked with his issues - and all of which needs to be dismantled before we can even begin to start again.
You are describing what I wonder - how difficult it is to recreate the relationship into a healthier, more equitable, less protective (I'm adding my own issue here, but maybe it applies to you as well) partnership. I keep saying that I'd rather rebuild with the devil I know than the devil I don't, but I don't know... Have you ever found yourself wondering if just chucking this and finding someone else would be easier?
I suspect that you have heard from people what I have - how I deserve happiness and a partner who can better meet my needs. I think of that, but I think of what Michele & others (Harville Hendrix comes to mind) say about needing to work through issues with this partner or risk repeating situations with others ... and the end result is that eternal wish for a crystal ball.
I too have found that prayer helps me, as well as meditation to keep me from sailing off into "future talk" and replaying negative or worrisome tapes. Did you ever wonder if you were waiting instead of rebuilding - that you were allowing his pain and challenges to restrict your life in unhealthy ways? I think that's my worry at times: that I will begin to just wait. On the other hand, my H is wanting a D - I keep trying to create reasons to put it off - so if I wait, it will probably be alone and not with me in the file or not driver's seat.
Anyway, thanks again for being willing to share. This pain and challenge and journey, while different for everyone, is made somewhat less scary because of the learned wisdom of others.
) Still, I never thought his confrontation with demons would be like this, but now, after reading and thinking, it makes sense that at mid-life is when he'd finally have everything come out. I wish he hadn't decided that the best way to deal with it all was to discard me, but when I have written that I don't think we would have dealt with things like we are if we had just gone to MC, that's why. Not only wouldn't he be trying to eliminate these unhealthy responses to life, but I also didn't recognize until after he left and I started working so hard on myself what I had been doing or how I had created a situation that co-dependently worked with his issues - and all of which needs to be dismantled before we can even begin to start again.